Do most partners get up at night to help?

[Indadhanu]

Ok, so not to start a Shel bashing thread (my baby buddies group manage that one fine lol) but read a few threads on here I notice a lot of partners actually get up and change a nappy or two at night.

Just a quick poll.. do most partners do that? I'm kind of feeling a bit left out right now, as the only time Shel has gotten up at night is during the first 2-3 weeks when I've been sore and tired and chucked the major *****s at her for not getting up. Then Jazz started sleeping through. Now she's started waking again (jinxed myself at writing the post about 'should I wake her up'... she hasn't slept through since ), and at night I do get frustrated that I am the only one who gets up to her but now Shel is back to work (leaves at 6am, gets home at 3.30pm) I'd feel bad her getting up and having to go to work in the morning... but then I think, hang on, being home with Jazz is work too and I kinda think well if Shel has a crap night at least she can get a bit of leway at work, I really can't do a halfarsed job of looking after Jazz!!!!!! But then I think, whats the point in getting her up when all I'll be doing is change, then feed and then try to settle her back to sleep again, not much Shel can do except sit and watch really... but it'd be nice if she changed or settled her once in a while... sometimes I feel like all she does is cuddle her while shes happy then hand her to me when she starts to cry... She does do more than that... sometimes... last night Jazz was being fussy, and Shel passed her back to me after 5 minutes of trying to settle her (with a 'her, you have her, she doesn't like me' ), so I snapped at her (shouldn't have but Jazz was cranky pants velcro baby all day) and Shel stomped off and went to bed...

Anyway, do most partners get up at night? Even once in a while? Shel hasn't gotten up at night since about week 3, even last night Jazz did a HUGE spew as I put her back in her cot, and I tried to get Shel to settle her while I changed the sheets and bedding, and she just layed her on the bed next to her and went back to sleep

Just feeling tired and unsupported right now... I just want to know if peoples partners get up at night to help so I know if I am expecting too much of her?

[kelebek]

ahh Leash , the night times can be really rough especially if you have had a bad day. B/F seems to be my partners excuse for not getting up, like you said all they can really do is change the nappy & settle them back to sleep after we have fed them, but even that would be nice once in a while. My partner has never got up in the night, he stopped changing nappies a few days after getting home, except for the occasional one after I have b1tched at him about it, & won't take ds if he is gizzling, apparently that is all my job. His saving grace is he will occasionaly on the weekend take ds after I have fed him & look after him until the next feed so I can continue sleeping, maybe this is something shell can do for you on a regular basis too & maybe one night a week so you can sleep.
HTH

[Lolli]

You're not alone here Leash... my dp barely even wakes when ds starts screaming. In the beginning (yep, the first three weeks or so) he was great, would change a nappy and even do a bottle of ebm, but not anymore. Every now and the he'll get the guilts and get up but doesn't have the knack of settling him (or the boobs to settle him with for that matter).
Sorry not much help but here's a . It's still early days for you- another few weeks and the fog will start to lift... you might still be getting up at night but you won't feel so much like a zombie. Hang on in there.

[danniellabella]

My DH has been getting up at night since I went back to work. He works from home and is a stay at home dad now so he gets up Sunday night through to Thursday night and I get Friday & Saturday nights.

Only thing is though, he refuses to change pooie nappies when I'm at home, so he will get me up at night if there is a dirty nappy, otherwise he'll change and feed her.
Last night he forgot to get the new nappy ready before he took the old one off and DD rolled over and peed all over her jump suit so he asked me to help then.

[~Raven~]

No! Not once DH went back to work, unless bub woke when he was up already (he has 4 am starts quite often).

I am fine with this however as DH drives a lot for work and I would worry that he could lose concentration. He comes home exhausted enough as it is.

Weekends and holidays are different though and I ask him to help.

[Nicambhar]

Leasha... You are definately not alone matey. My DF works at night so I have no choice in the matter, but when he is home during the day he doesn't help either so I kinda feel like a single mummy.
I try telling him how I feel and he makes an effort for a day or two and then it's back to square one again.
It's really hard seeing your parnter toddle off to bed knowing they are not going to have broken sleep.
Sorry I can't offer any solution hun, but just to let you know you aren't alone in this situation. Take care xx

[rufalina]

You are not alone My DH does not get up at nights to help... But when my DS wakes in the night it is for a feed. I dont even change him, just a feed and straight back to sleep.

But, in saying that, he does try to help on weekends with the day nap settling, as DS can be a HUGE pain with that, and he did take a day off work on Monday to give me a "day-off" too.

But, with the nights, I knew going into this that that was going to have to be something I did alone. And every night, I say to DS, as I kiss him goodnight,... please let mummy get some sleep tonight... I am sure one day it will work.

[BhoysGirl]

Hey Leash,

My DF has never got up in the middle of the night, as DS is exclusively BF, so never that much point. And in fairness to DF, I've never expected him to do get up, as he's the one who has to go to work to earn the $$. Although having said that working is a much easier gig than being a mum. And I'm def not saying that this is how everyone should be, it's absolutely a "me" thing. But, when he's home he does heaps of nappy changing, and spends plenty of time playing with DS so that I get some opportunity to do things with two hands. And he pretty much always does the bath time. So even though I'm the overnight person, at all other times it's equal commitment & contribution IYKWIM. One exception to the not getting up in the night time is when we've had spews - he has always helped out with this. And willingly too.

I know that it's very hard to judge a relationship from the outside, even more so when it's just on a forum like this, but it does sound to me that Shel has a pretty selfish streak running through her ATM, as if she thinks she can pick & choose the parenting bits she wants to do. It may also be that she's not quite sure what her parenting role is exactly, in that she's not the "mum" like you are, but she's not the Dad either. I don't mean this in a bad way, I guess that there's just not that many same sex parents out there to really automatically understand how it all fits together, unlike normal hetero couples who have a more clear cut mum/dad model to follow, so your journey as a parenting couple is possibly a little harder to sort out in a way? Although this is me just trying to find a nicer way to look at her behaviour, mostly I think she's just being self-centred.

It does get eaiser with bubs though, so the tiredness fog will slowly clear a little. Maybe not completely, but you do get used to the pattern a bit more as time goes on.

[visitor1]

Dh would always get up and still does...if im up he is up too to help.

[Tobily]

Mine doesn't / didn't....not so much because he won't but because we just decided over time that it didn't work.

We found that with him working the next day all that resulted was two tired and feral people instead of one. Because even on the times he was getting up, I was still waking up anyway.

And with breastfeeding it just seemed a bit pointless waking him up for the sake of changing a nappy when I had to get up and feed anyway.

It's hard to find a balance Leasha but you will work it out eventually, and Shell will take on other responsibilites as Jazz gets older. I think with newborns especially alot seems to fall on mum (not making excuses for her or anyone else's other half lol, it's just biology I guess).

[*Ang*]

DH and I are firm believers that parenting is a "shared" thing and not just for all the fun, happy, positive times either. He has always gotten up during the night to assist and still does now - DS hasnt slept through since 6 months old so we take it in turns to get up for him every night. We wouldn't survive otherwise. When I was B/F both children it WAS harder for DH to help out and truthfully I didnt expect him to do too much at that point. Upon saying that he would get up and bring the children to me if I was exhausted or didnt hear them and he would also change their nappies before the feed. This of course was not very single night but I could certainly say he shared the parenting duties.

I know of other couples tho where the working partner refuses to get up during the night or the at home partner refuses to let their partner get up, mainly due to the "guilt" factor. It works for some people but that doesnt work for us.

Sorry it all just sounds like excuses to me. You are definitely not expecting too much of Shel. The more time your partner spends holding and caring for the baby the easier it gets for both of them, it's how the bond forms. I didn't know how to get up, feed, hold, change, whatever my baby until I learnt by doing it. Yeah it's hard work and it's tiring and it's the last thing you want to do in the middle of the night, but really the first year passes so quickly and it's time that you never ever get back with that little person.

Have to agree with all of this.

[Gigi]

DH and I are firm believers that parenting is a "shared" thing and not just for all the fun, happy, positive times either. He has always gotten up during the night to assist and still does now - DS hasnt slept through since 6 months old so we take it in turns to get up for him every night. We wouldn't survive otherwise.

I know of other couples tho where the working partner refuses to get up during the night or the at home partner refuses to let their partner get up, mainly due to the "guilt" factor. It works for some people but that doesnt work for us.

Have to agree with all of this.

me too.

my partner gets up every morning at 6am (leaves house at 8.30am). He never uses this as an excuse NOT to attend to bilby when she needs us during the night.

He values me breastfeeding our child. He realises how tiring BF-ing, so he gets bilby up, changes her if she needs and gives her cuddles, brings her to me, keeps her cuddling if i have to go to the loo before i can feed her, brings me a drink if i need one. (this is all offered, i don't ask). DH is not perfect and is really slack in many ways, but we went to a Parents breastfeeding education session run by Aust BF Assoc, and it was heavily stressed, that the support or lack of support from the bf-ing paren'ts PARTNER is a high indication of how long BF-ing will go on. So he heard it from people OTHER than me, how important his role was. ANd he's taken it to heart i think.

our child is nearly 23 months and usually wakes once or twice during the night for a feed. No way could we have kept bf-ing THIS long without a combined effort between us. We also agree on attachment parenting. His first wife used Controlled Crying and that upset my dh so much (he coudln't stick to CC).

i hate asking my dh to do stuff (cos he never remembers what i ask) so if he didn't do this stuff, i would find it very difficult to ask.

I don't think it's JUST changing a nappy and cuddling, i think these things are a constant repetitive and very needed things for a baby to receive on a consistent basis - knowing their needs will be attended to as needed. So i see what dh does as very important.

our baby is usually awake from 6.30am, dh cares for her from then until he goes at 8.30am, so i can sleep longer.

a supportive partner can also help you cope with PND. I have NO clue how single parents cope! as much as my partner has his flaws, there are some things (listed above) that i am so grateful for - i realise not every mummy has that level of support.

[kellmay]

You guys prob need to talk about it a work out a plan that works for both of you. Once my husband whent back to work Friday and Sat nights he dealt with both babies and on sat he sleeps in and sun i do. Try to work something out that works for both, maybe your partner will be more understanding if you talk about it at a calm time of the day, not the middle of the night, and if she knows what is expected of her and how to do it. Try not to attack her, you are in this baby thing together.

[Pretty Butterfly]

Oh honey.....

Adam has always gotten up at night.... he's great with all the kids... Even when breastfeeding, he would bring bub to me, cuddle us while we fed, and then put bub back (if i let him, i often co-sleep!)

But Adam can fall back asleep really easily, and it takes me hours... so if Ad gets up and gets me bub, I can do it half asleep, and he can go back to sleep fast, so it worked well for us.

Maybe Shell could arvo shift with Jazz?? Have her fed, and take an arvo nap. Let Shell know that without it, she'll have to help at night instead, cause you need to sleep at some point!!!
Adam done this for me when I had to get up 3 times a night to pump for Kane, even though Kane was sleeping through!!

She needs to compramise somewhere hon....Good luck...

[lovemybubs]

DF would get up, get DD and bring her in for a feed, settle her and change her and all that stuff. We would just both do it-if your breast feeding then that is the ONLY thing she cant do, There are plenty of things that she can! I think your partner should be helping more for sure. There is no reason why she cant bring bub in to you for a feed or settle her. As for the 'she doesnt like me' comment, just my opinion here so i hope i dont offend, but i would be p!ssed off at that one, its a cop out. If she doesnt put the effort into learning to settle her now, it will make it harder for her to do it in the future and that just means that you will always be the one that has to do it.

Also i dont think she because a partner works (and you would think most do) that its a reason for them not to help, especially when bub is new and everything is harder.

Have you tried talking to her and explaining that you need her to help more?

[Lolli]

As for the 'she doesnt like me' comment, just my opinion here so i hope i dont offend, but i would be p!ssed off at that one, its a cop out.

Ah my dp pulls this too. I hate it. Some days I just wish I had that option- here you go, pass the baby, someone else take him, I don't want to deal with right now. If only.
But I do try and look at it as my job... just like any job, it sucks sometimes, and I need more time off and i'm too busy to get everything done. That being said, at least dp has a start and finish time. I'm 24/7 on call

[Ginger]

yeah my dp does nothing at night either. the bfing thing is a factor, but i have gotten to the point where i've been begging him for more help.
it's hard though, cos i feel guilty that he has to get up and go out into the world and face people evryday. whereas if i'm tired, i'm at home with ds iykwim? i used to absolutely hate having to go to work tired so i try not to put him through that.

[AnyDream]

Sorry it all just sounds like excuses to me. You are definitely not expecting too much of Shel. The more time your partner spends holding and caring for the baby the easier it gets for both of them, it's how the bond forms. I didn't know how to get up, feed, hold, change, whatever my baby until I learnt by doing it. Yeah it's hard work and it's tiring and it's the last thing you want to do in the middle of the night, but really the first year passes so quickly and it's time that you never ever get back with that little person.

Any partner that is that hands-on with their baby reaps the rewards from the closeness of the bond they get. It's that simple.

FWIW, my DH has always got up to the baby in the night, he changes her then brings her in for me to feed. Sometimes he gets up again and puts her back to bed after the feed (depending on how tired or sore I am or not). In the early weeks, he would often get up and get me a hot drink, and stay awake and talk a little. He might not be awake the whole time but a little bit of input from him made all the differece. It made those long nights all the more bearable. He works long and demanding days (often with early starts) so if it means you go to bed an hour or two earlier for a few months to compensate, so what?