Do most partners get up at night to help?

[feeb]

DH has never gotten up overnight.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

At first, DS was all mine at night. DH slept on a campbed in the nursery so DS and I could co-sleep and that was great.

10 months later I was back in the bedroom and up with DS every time he woke, but no night feeds. This went on until about 13-14 months, when I made DH put DS to bed some nights and actually help on the really bad ones.

Now, I usually try to let DH sleep. But if I've been up more than an hour, or if I'm knackered and this is wake-up #3-4, or if it's after 6am, I kick DH out of bed to help (sometimes, after 6am, DS comes in with us and chats then runs off to play - but that's DH's choice because he whinges when I made it!). If he's had a really bad day or is having a busy week or I'm OK with it then I don't, but usually once a week he's out of bed helping me. I nearly did last night but then remembered just how much of a state DH was in, but I did wake him up at 11.30 just because... he could stay in bed but I wanted him awake for it!

We agreed on this, pretty much. While I was BFing it was only fair I was up all night. If I'm struggling DH will help. But his work is waaaay more important than mine (he's responsible for planes; if one crashed because he said it was air-worthy and it wasn't because I made him get out of bed then that's a big thing to live with) and I cope with lack of sleep more than DH - and yes, we knew this pre-baby.

We are equal parenting, just about, now. But that's OK, I wanted to have a baby more than DH did at the time and now DS is a toddler DH is enjoying it more. Sure, the split is maybe 65-35 with me doing the most, but then I work part-time atm so we both think that's fair. Pooy nappies are split equally too, DS makes sure of that (he prefers DH to change a poo when he's around LMAO). DH also does one early morning a fortnight so I get a lie-in, usually after a bad night at the weekend. But as I said, he needs more sleep than I do so that's fine with me.

[ShootingStar]

lol.. not at all in our house. DH sleeps through it all. DD has slept through from 4 weeks but DS is up every night without fail and DH doesnt even hear him through the baby monitor that is right next to my side of the bed. But.. i get up because he goes to work. On his days off, if i wake him when DS wakes or back when DD was waking he will get up to them, but yeh otherwise.. its all me

[Tannis]

DP never gets up for DD, but luckily (I'll jinx myself now) Ash sleeps through and dream feeds without properly waking up. He never got up for Jayden either until I was pregnant and I got the $hit$ for him not getting up. I don't expect too much when he's working the next day (although I still had to get up to Jayden when i was working FT, pregnant, looking after the house etc) but I do expect him to do something on the weekends (rarely ever does though!).
So Leash big for you, you are not alone! Hope things improve for you!

[leebee81]

Hubby was home for the first 2 weeks and got up with me for every feed. Once he went back to work I told him not to bother, because I didn't see the point to it - Oliver is BF so there wasn't much he could do but sit there and watch me feed for an hour. Oliver refuses a bottle and I hate expressing anyway so that was out. However, hubby has a pretty flexible work arrangement and was able to get up with Oliver in the mornings and take him to the living room to let me get an extra hour or two's sleep if I'd been up a few times..

Its rare now that Oliver wakes up but when he does I bring him into bed with us and we co-sleep. Hubby does the bath every night and will happily change nappies both wet and pooey. On the evenings when its 11pm and Oliver will not got to sleep for all the BF's in the world and I've had it I go to bed and hubby cuddles and rocks Oliver to sleep. So while he didn't/doesn't get up, he does other things to help.

I will say, he found it much easier to relate to Oliver and found it easier to help after 12 weeks. That's when Oliver became more interactive and they really bonded. Before then he was very quick to fob Oliver off to me claiming he needed a feed.

[alioops]

DH gets up, but he deals with lack of sleep better than I do. He has always found it easy to roll over and fall asleep, while I toss and turn for ages. I do hear Em first though and while I am still half asleep I will nudge him to make sure he hears her, but he doesn't mind too much.

Leash, Definitely tell Shel how you feel, and that you would like some help. The only way to learn how to settle a baby is to do it. If all else fails and Jazz is taking a while to settle, you can say that Jazz doesn't like you and wants her other mummy

Hang in there hun, it is a long and exhausting road, but you will reach the end.

[krisp]

When our DS was born my DH (God bless him) would get up change his bot bring him to me and I would BF him and then DH would resettle and put him back in his cot. I had a CS with Ewan and DH took care of me wonderfully. With DD things were different! I get up to her and always have done. having said that since I went back to work (about 3 months ago) DH does her firat wake up call (about middnight) and then I do the rest. Sometimes it's once at about 4am and sometimes it's 3 or 4 times.
Its hard when you are BFing. I believe your bub smells your milk and feels more relaxed and comforted by that smell so will usually settle more easily. this naturally leaves the partner left out a bit and that's what generates the "she doesn't like me" thing - I got the same.
Hang in there once Jazz is a bit older, interacts more with her little world Shel will feel more involved and part of "it".

[Beaksie]

Hi-my DP was actually pretty awesome with this (though admitedly we bottle fed after the first couple of weeks)/ With DD we alternated night time feeds and changes, and it was a godsend for me. Even now that she's 2, he's the one that goes to her on the odd occassion where she wakes through the night. When I was bfing, dp tended to get up with me as I struggled to get her attached by myself, so he'd help me with that, then do the change and settle her. Pretty lucky, I know Hoping he's as good the second time around..

[Jennifer13]

Leash we are not a good example if you are looking for ammo!

DP didn't ever get up when she was tiny. Ever. That said, I never asked him to. 2 1/2 years later I can distinctly remember each and every time he has ever gotten out of bed when needed: 1. She threw up while sleeping between us and he took the sheets off; 2. She was crying for a drink (while between us) and he went and got her a drink of water (plenty of grumping at me involved); and 3. two nights ago when she wanted a drink but didn't want me to go, so said "Daddy will get it" ( well done child!).

Mostly I don't mind as it doesn't happen much and generally he has to go to work the next day while she and I can sleep a bit longer. When I know I have to get up to go to work as well or I'm sick, then there's no sympathy.

[Butterfly_Princess]

nope, but its okay now i guess coz Isabell wakes up once and thats around 4am-6am and then is down straight away til around 9:30am, that is if she doesnt sleep thru.
I do miss my sleep ins...ill let ben sleep in some days, depending on the time, even though i feel like jumping on the bed saying "Get up! Get up! Get up!" If its not too early then ill go in after feeding Isabell and wake him up and all 3 of us have a little cuddle for a bit.

[~Debbie~]

My Dh doesnt get up to Aiden, nor do i expect him to. Whilst i agree that parenting is a shared responsibility, my DH's responsibility is to earn money, which thus enables me to be a SAHM, and in turn, give Aiden the best care possible.
Occassionally, if Aiden is having a bad night, then, i will wake DH up to take over, and generally, just the calmer parent generally does the trick pretty nicely.
My DH works 6 days a week, is a supervisor in a tilt up concrete construction company, works at heights etc, and i would hate for him to have accident or to inadvertadently (sp??) cause an accident due to being over tired. My theory is i can always have an early night, or, sleep during the day when Aiden is asleep.

[mbear]

My Dh doesnt get up to Aiden, nor do i expect him to. Whilst i agree that parenting is a shared responsibility, my DH's responsibility is to earn money, which thus enables me to be a SAHM, and in turn, give Aiden the best care possible.

huh....you stole the exact words from my head. I could prob count on one hand the amount of times DH has gotton up for our 3 girls....although if i have had a bad night Dh will let me sleep in on his days off

[LuluHB]

I have to disagree with you Debbie. My DH works and brings in the money but I work and raise our children while he's doing that. Being a SAHM as you know is not sitting watching tv and drinking coffee all day. Also while I agree work safety is important, my "work safety" includes not falling asleep while driving my DDs around

[Muffy]

all i can say is... I WISH

[Mum2SweetCs]

DH seems to be an extremely heavy sleeper. When DD cries he doesnt hear it at all!!!

In the beginning sure, he would change her nappies and put her to sleep, now I dont even remember the last time he changed her nappies, infact, im pretty sure he hasnt realised I changed to MCN!

I got really angry at this too and I said to him that it was his loss from bonding with DD!!!!!

So for that day he did a few extra things like feed her, but after the one day of talk, back to the old useless DH who just plays his computer games!!!

You're not alone =)

[Schmickers]

At the start with our little ones, I didn't get up at night. We rarely had to change them over night - didn't find we needed to, they seemed to poo at mostly socially acceptable hours - and as they were BF, Victoria always said there was little point in me being awake as well.

I used to get up with them in the morning and take them out into the house so that she could sleep.

When we had to put Olivia in formula, I started getting up in the night, and haven't really stopped since. I'm sure with #3 we'll go back to Victoria getting up for night time feeds.

[Nelle]

Leash, I don't think it matters what other people do. If you're not happy with how things are, then you and Shel need to talk and work something out. How about you get a weekend lie in? (where Shel brings bub to you, you feed, and then Shel takes bub while you go back to sleep) Or express for weekends so you can sleep through one feed?

My partner would get up, grab bub, sleep while I fed, then take bub back, change him and put him to bed. He probably didn't help as much with our first, but that's cos I could nap during the day with only one baby. I can't now, and things are very equal this time around.

That's just how our relationship works though, through discussion and negotiation. Other people's relationships and arrangements work differently. You have to figure out what works for you guys, what you both can be happy with.

[Salsa]

I have not read the other replies...
My experience was that DH got up almost exclusively for the first 6 weeks or so, and would bring DS to me in bed. He still gets up near 6 yrs on more than I do for DS....
I had a c.sect and he just did a great deal of lifting DS and changing nappies. But he is very caring and helpful like that anyway.

I know from what friends have said that most of their partners do not get up much at night as my dh.

I wonder if it`ll be different with our next bub.?