We have our own accounts, as well as one shared one. We are currently saving for a house, so ALL my money goes into the savings account (the shared account, we have both our names on that one) and we split whatever DP gets paid. We have a 'grocery wallet' (which includes petrol money) and a 'bills wallet' that we use to pay all our joined things. Then we both get a set amount of 'spending money' that we can do with whatever we want! I spend it on coffee or nights out with the girls and he spends his on cigarettes and records/cd's. That way I never feel like he's spending money we should be saving on cigarettes and vice versa.
So maybe if your DP is not comfortable having a joint account or just 'giving' you money for groceries, you can have a wallet specifically for groceries etc. Depending on how much he brings home and you bring home, you can figure out how much you should each put in the wallet. If he earns double as much as you, he has to put double in the food wallet... DTMS?
I'd be tempted to just sit down with him and do up a budget for the coming year. Be brutally honest, and then both of you keep a "spending diary" - you can start it off by going through bank statements for where things are spent, eftpos etc. Set up a common goal - a holiday or big spend (like a tv) and work towards that.
It is really hard, I find it hard to be brutally frank with my DH about money, but budgeting is a different thing altogether, and we are very aware of the need to prepare savings for our children. And to teach them about responsible money management - that could very well be the key to getting your DH to work out a budget - the kids are old enough to be involved in this as well, make it a learning exercise!
Have you ever sat down with him and told him how you felt? When I first realised we'd be on a single income I got all upset about being financially dependent. I told DH the thought of being controlled by someone else over money gave me the heeby jeebies. It really upset me.
So we have a joint account for day to day transactions. He has his account and I have mine. When I'm not earning, he transfers money to my account. We also have a budget, though we're not great at keeping to it.
If you think he wouldn't want to be controlling, then tell him you don't want to be controlled by money, with your hand out like a child requesting an allowance. He may not realise that's how you feel or what he's doing is placing you in such a painful situation. If he disagrees or doesn't value how you feel, then that's a whole other ballgame.
I think society values the $ productive hours (ie a paid job) a lot more than the non-$ productive hours (all the rest) that goes into running a house/family. But it all counts. If you worked out how many hours you work at home and multiply that by the minimum wage ($14.50 I think), then you can get an idea of a base value in $ productive terms. If you looked at actual nanny/housekeeper rates, it would be a whole lot more, taking into account overtime, leave, superannuation etc. Less Tax on that and it should be an interesting calculation.
I don't understand the his money/her money thing unless it is the small amount of "personal spending money" that each is allocated in a budget. For us, it's normally about $20 a week, which we can spend on our own personal treats like coffee with friends etc. without having to give an account. Honestly, all your stress could be solved with a budget and a joint account which funds the budget, and leaving separate accounts for your "splurge money" - however much it is you decide. Perhaps putting it in a language he might understand will help too.
For instance,
A marriage is a contract. Not any contract, but a business contract. For thousands of years marriage has functioned as a business relationship as well as an emotional one - actually more often than not it's been a business one more than emotional, it's only been the last century that the emotional side has been more highly regarded. Just like a business, people can't all be employed in the exact same role, doing the exact same things. Each roll is important and makes the business function effectively. And a family, just like a business, the money needs to be spent where the money needs to be spent to keep it running. In this case you have looked at your skill sets, circumstances and your personal KPI's and have taken on the role of SAHM. Sometimes other couples look at their circumstances, KPI's etc. and see that the woman can earn more so have a SAHD instead, others decide that both want or need to work because this is what is best to keep their business running.
Perhaps you can ask him why he expects only one revenue area (your family payments) to run the whole business? Things like dinner aren't one off expenses where the board needs to look at the budget, have a meeting about whether the money needs to be spent and where it needs to come from - these are everyday business running costs. Why hasn't management done their metrics and work out how much needs to be spent where and then provide the money where it's needed?
I am reading a book (that was recommended by someone on BB) called "The Post-Baby Conversation" that talks about this very issue. It is an issue for many couples, but often the man doesn't realise the effect that having to ask can have on a woman. I haven't finished the book, so not sure what solutions it offers but you probably need to talk about it with hubby and work through different options to see what works for both of you and the household.
Thanks everyone for your replies, I think this has become an issue for me because i'm so bad at confrontation, and assume that it will be a fight when, really i have no reason to think it will be. I've been talking about it with a friend IRL, and she asked me what i'm afraid of? I think it's that he might suggest i go back to work, even tho he's always supported my desire to stay home. Could it be that i feel guilty about not working when i know he's always worked hard for us even when his job was hellish for him? Maybe. I suspect the reason we've not done it before now is that, like ssstorm, we used to halve everything; then we had kids and i no longer received the same funds as him each fn, but was too proud? to admit that i couldn't keep everything up. i'm really starting to think this is my issue, not his. I'm actually living what i always dreamed of but i feel guilty??? i'm too busy trying to prove that we can do it on one income, that i've forgotten that we are essentially a business partnership too as Yeddi points out. i don't want heaps of money, just to feel like we share this too i guess. I'm sorry for the ramble again. i'm going to approach the subject tonight and see how it goes.
and Kate07, i have read The PostBaby conversation. time to get it out of the library again i think!
Thanks everyone again xx
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