Your child's bank account

[maz]

I think the problem here isnt that they have opened a bank account..its that they did it without even bothering to ask firstly and that DP is being a twat! Its a lack of respect in my opinion in not discussing something so important firstly with the you both. I bet you girls who's paretns have done bank account for your kids have talked to your parents about it and its something that was agreed upon together..not done behind your back.

Maybe a seachange would be in order now

[Lulu]

Even if they didn't ask I still can't see what the problem is.
What bad can come of this? It's not going to hurt the child in any way is it? Who really gives a crap if the kid has mutiple accounts? That's not going to hurt anyone either...

Last I heard eye rolling or disagreeing with someone else isn't a crime - all bad blood aside, it isn't going to hurt anyone, it doesn't mean anyone has lost control of any situation. does it?

[briggsy's girl]

lulu - i can see why you're saying no one will be hurt - honest i can - but for me, i can't see a need for multiple accounts if both parents don't agree with it. and i really can't see why handing over your DD's birth certificate to someone is something that should be discarded as a non-event. it is proof of identity. having it gives you access to lots of services for that child - not just opening a bank account. if the partner is threatening to leave if it isn't handed over, i would feel VERY protective of that piece of ID for the child. you know yourself all it takes to prove ID for a child for FTB purposes is a birth certificate...

maybe i'm thinking it through too much - but really, how hard is it to put money into an existing account? it's not. how hard is it to talk things through rather than going behind someones back? it's not.

i think if TK feels suspect, then she is right to not go ahead with handing over the documents - if they want her to go with them to open an account and the bank can confirm that a non-guardian can open the account, fine - but you shouldn't feel obliged to hand something over to grandparents if you don't want to... i sure as hell wouldn't hand over DD's birth certificate to anyone - including my parents - and i'm on reasonably good terms with them and see them weekly!

[misty]

Lulu - I don't think the problem is the bank acc itself, but rather the persistance and lack of respect to the mother in persuing this, against the mothers wishes.

Tk - I would be sticking to your guns. I would tell them, look if you really want to open a bank acc - make it a trust acc so that they don't need to have the birth certificate (and then everyone's interests are protected as they can stipulate on the trust when your DD can get the money - ie, 18th birthday.)

Personally I wouldn't feel comfortable with this. Only parents/gardians are allowed to open normal saving bank acc for children, for anyone else to open a bank acc in anothers name is fraud. Furthermore if they do open an acc in your DD's name - YOU (being her legal gardian and DD being a minor) can legally access it. Perhaps point that out to them.

So like I said their only real choices are a)use the acc you set up, or b)open a trust acc .

[mzcatieboo]

i wouldn't be handing over my DS birth cert to anyone let alone whether its family or not. your DD has 1 bank account they should just put the money into that.

[YoYo]

Like many others, there is no way I'd be handing over my DS's birth certificate to anyone! The trust issues seem to be going both ways here. They obviously don't trust you that if they put money into the account you created for your DD that it will stay there, and you don't trust them in handing over the Birth Certificate.

The air needs to be cleared. You are the parents and I would say buggar off to your DP as well for not supporting you. It's not about the bank account, it's about who wants to be in more control.....and as far as i'm concerned, they don't have a right to even think they can gain it!

MY DS has a bank account opened by ME and my MIL would give me $ to put into it for him. She trusts me I guess.....but honestly, as if I'd rip off my own SON! Here we are trying to give them a good start in life by opening them a bank account so young, and for people to think that we are going to rip off our own kids and take the money for ourselves is crazy! (this is the impression I get from your story)

Like someone else said though, it's not going to hurt to have more than one account for your DD, but maybe if the IL's are so intent on opening it, then you go with them and take the BC and take it straight back...don't hand it over to them!

GOOD LUCK

[LimeSlice]

I think I agree with Lu about this.
I personally just don't see the issue...I am not one of those parents though that believes every decision needs to be vetted by me. Grandparents do all sorts of things without asking parents, and so they should - they are grandparents! What harm does it do you if they open a bank account? Why should it be anything to do with you if they want to open an account for their granddaughter?
Sorry but to me it doesnt sound like they are trying to control things, it sounds like you are scared of losing control and giving an inch.

I too though have a massive issue with your DHs response of "its over then" THAT is what I think you should be concerned about...the lack of support and unity in front of your PIL - disagreeing with you is one thing, but you do not pick sides in front of others

jmo though

[ll80]

I wouldn't be handing my DD's birth certificate over but would go with them to the bank so the bank can have a copy if its needed.
Maybe they want to put it in your DD's name for a tax break or something?

I'd be more concerned about identity fraud than anything else, how do you know what they will use their copy for in the future? or whose hands it will pass in to?
A BC is not something to hand over to anyone.
Maybe its cause my DH works in fraud for a financial institution that makes me skeptical but I certainly would not be handing a Birth Certificate to anyone.

[spooky]

I'm sorry to hear that what should be a generous gift is causing so much strife.

A non-guardian can open an account for a minor, but their name will also be on the account, and they will have full access to the money as it is also in their name. My sister tried to open an account for my son when he was born, but in the end didn't as she didn't think it was right that her name would also be on it. So it can be done.

If it is a regular account, and not "In Trust" then the other account holder (parent etc) has to pay tax on the interest made on the money each year. Is it possible that the IL's have money set aside that they are trying to avoid paying tax on?

If they are worried about you being able to access "their" money, have you considered letting you partner open an account with his name on it instead of the IL's?

My sons both have small savings accounts held "in trust' for them with their name and mine on it. My DH's name is not on the account purely because he was not at the bank when the accounts were opened.

[*EJ*]

I am also sorry to hear of the tricky situation. If the idea is purely for the sake of them wanting to save for the grandaughter that is lovely but if there is something else behind it then they should be ashamed of themselves and to bully you like that is just wrong. Follow your instincts, if you don't feel it's right stick your ground. You are the childs mother and your wishes should be respected by the IL's and your DP should be sticking by your side.

I have opened youth saver accounts for my boys purely because working in a school i could deposit while at work. I had the converstaion with my MIL the other day that we aren't going to buy DS2 much for Christmas because he doesn't need it with all of what we have from DS1, instead we will deposit money into his account. I mentioned this to MIL and she was happy to do this also.

I don't think i would be comfortable handing my child's birthcert over. I would be giving them the option of having the bank details to deposit when they wish or open up an account in their own names and save for the child as they wish.

It's a tricky situation and i hope you find a way out of it with your family still somewhat intact.

[Me+him+bub]

my DF's mother made an account for Jonathan without us knowing but she gave us his little passport thingy as a gift and said she would put money in every week and we could add to it when we want. She never asked us but she said she also needs the birth cert. I dont think you are being irrational at all, the way they went about it was wrong and the fact you had expressed that you didnt want that should have been enough for them to back off. Also the account our son was given is not allowed to accessed by anyone other than Jonathan if thats what they are worried about.

[Jennifer13]

TK - I think I get your issue. We had many, many issues with my MIL after DD was born (soooo hearing you on the 'not holding the baby' - in our case not long enough - kind of whinge). Her retaliation was to shoot off a four page email of abuse and insults (mostly directed at me, even though the argument responsible for her meltdown was with DP) saying she would be putting money away for DD and keeping a journal so DD would know how horrible we were to her when she was old enough. Real mature, huh? She kept it up for six (blissfully quiet and peaceful) months where she didn't contact us, until she decided that wasn't working for her and got back in touch. The saga continues, but enough about me...

I know she has an account that she says is for DD, but I couldn't give a toss. If she dies before DD is old enough, we'll be responsible for the money as her legal guardians anyway. If it's in trust, then DD can access it once she's 18. We haven't discussed it with MIL since it doesn't affect DD now or any of our decisions in relation to our dealings with MIL and her relationship with MIL. So I don't see an issue with a grandparent opening an account to put money in for a grandchild per se. TBH if MIL dies then DD probably is a beneficiary in her will anyway. (Especially if she stuck to her threat to cut DP out .)

In our case, MIL is definitely doing it to 'big note' herself (thanks, Leasha, spot on description) and prove that she's the world's best grandmother. I'm not sure who she's trying to prove it to, but it's clear some of her friends have gotten the message, based on comments I've overheard. DP and I are of a slightly different opinion and you'd think it would be our opinions that counted more, but there you go. And DD is too young to have much insight into things, other than Grandma comes over and plays with her. I sincerely hope DD's relationship with her grandmother is actually more harmonious than the relationships that MIL has had with every other person in her life, but I seriously doubt it will be. I'll just have to help DD deal with the fallout (which will hopefully be contained given the close supervision we provide).

It sounds to me that your DP taking his parents' side is a big issue. You are going to come up against many, many different things that as parents you will be challenged over. Particularly with ILs who like to have a stake in things and don't keep their opinions to themselves. The discussion about whether or not ILs should open a bank account for your DD should have been conducted by you and DP, behind closed doors, and then a decision made and given to them. If they think they can have input into your parenting decisions, I see a world of pain.

Your DP needs to realise that you and DD are his family now. Regardless of whether or not the bank account should/shouldn't be opened, he should have talked to you about it first and then gone back to his parents. If you both disagree, you'll have to sort it out between you. Compromise. DP and I have had many, many arguments over dealing with his family, but at the end of the day, my ILs have only ever seen the two of us in agreement when it comes to dealings with them. I might not always like the song, but I sing from the same song sheet. And if it's DP's family, well, he has slightly more influence on the decision than I, just as I have a bigger say with my family.

As for "I'll leave you" threats - it sounds like he doesn't have a very good reason to not support you so is resorting to emotional manipulation. My DP has done this in the past too. Ignore it. If he wants to leave, he can leave. Don't allow this line to change the fact that the two of you should be deciding on this together. Backing his parents over his partner is a BIG NO NO! Tell him so and try to sort it out. I'm sure you guys have worked through plenty of issues in the past 10 years, you can do it here to.

[Astrid]

I would not have a problem with my family or in-laws opening bank accounts for the girls. I would only have an issue if they suddenly started demanding that birthday money etc went in to it, rather than their existing accounts. My father has set-up up 2 accounts for the girls in trust. He has mainly done it so that the money is kept for them in case his will is ever contested. He did ask permission first and to confirm details such as DOB and spelling.

I do understand the issue of just handing over the birth certificate with regards to privacy etc.

As already mentioned there could be tax issues for them setting up an account and if I remember the article correctly, even "in trust for" accounts are not exempt. If the grandparents keep 100% control, then they are deemed to have earnt the interest as far as tax is concerned. (will see if I can find it again).

The ultimatum thing is a concern, but I do recall ridiculous stuff like that coming out of DH's mouth weeks after DD1 was born. It is like they do not understand the change in family once a baby comes along. The rules between the families change, I was not sure how to treat my MIL and my MIL was not sure how she fit in. DH was too damn busy protecting his mother's feelings, rather than realising that he had a new family and we were what mattered most. We needed time to sort out how to get it to work and all of DH's heavy handed threats almost ruined it all. To be honest I have not fully forgiven him for his "don't make me choose!' threat, apparently though he made it to his mother as well. That is his style though, get angry and make it everyone elses fault, rather than being diplomatic and finding a solution. It has taken us years to sort it out and get to a point where I feel that he puts us before his mother. So you have a big warning bell there of things to come.

By the sound of it you need to choose your battles when it come to his family and I think the bank account is too minor to be having threats over. I would let them have the account, but take the certificate in myself to ensure its safety. I do remember though how protective I was of any decision regarding DD1 when she was little, with time though I realised that I could be more relaxed over many of the smaller things. Please pick your battles, it is not worth fighting all of them, otherwise you risk being miserable and I am saying that as someone who has been there, done that.

[maz]

Why cant the grandparents just say..give me the account details to the account that you opened and we'll DD into it if its easier???

It always seemed us..the younger generation seem to be bending backwards to 'keep the peace' in family relation's....yourve gotta give respect to get it

ETA - for what its worth...we dont know what PIL's are like not either...so this could be a build up of years of other things

[Winter]

ETA - for what its worth...we dont know what PIL's are like not either...so this could be a build up of years of other things

True Maz, I was thinking about that after I posted. Sometimes its the littlest thing (not that this is little to the OP) things that we dig our heels in over and say ENOUGH!!! It really is a case of the straw that broke the camel's back. I know that I get irate with my MIL about things that wouldn't even worry me if other people did it.

[Winter]

Even if they didn't ask I still can't see what the problem is.
What bad can come of this? It's not going to hurt the child in any way is it? Who really gives a crap if the kid has mutiple accounts? That's not going to hurt anyone either...

I'm with Lulu on this one. My parents have an account for DD in her name, they set it up in QLD and I just took DD's birth cert into the local branch here and they scanned it and added it her account. DD gets pocket money from my parents and that gets put into her account by Mum.

DD also has an account here that I put money into for her.

TBH, I do think you are making an issue out of something that isn't an issue. They want to do something nice for their grandchild. Its not about you at all.

I'm really sorry to hear you DH say your relationship is over because of this. That's very unfair and I hope you guys sort it out.

PS. I'm sorry if I come across as harsh, but you did say you have thick skin

[Jas]

I think the issue here is not the actual issue here if that makes any sense at all...I don't think the issue is actuall ythe bank account

I can understand your opinion and I am not sure how I would feel about this topic but I do know that both my mum and PIL would respect the wishes of dh and i with regards to our kids.

As dd's mum you have your right to an opinion and a vote and as dd's dad your dp has a rght to an opinion and a vote, seeing as you don't agree with each other someone is going to have to compromise..or both will have to compromise, but that is something that has to be decided between you and him as a couple and co parents. Nothing to do with the grandparents and their opinions.

If it's a bank account today what is it tomorrow, religious decisions, education decisions, where to live decisions etc etc Grandparents are wonderful things they have a very special role that others not even mums and dads can fill and they can give advice on pareneting and marriage etc etc but only when both partners want this. I think it is very important for you and dp to develop as parents together and to make the decisions, others can advise but not get a vote, it can take a while to develop in these new roles, flip it seems to me for the rest of your livers you will be developing and growing as parents.

I think your dp is being unreasonable in his ultimate in fact that is beyond ridiculous but maybe it would help to sit down and discuss each others opinions and go from there?

[Oorki Galoorki]

i dont see the what the problem is at all.. your PILs want to give your dd money... they want it in an account they can handle until a time that she needs it or can look after it her self.

both my kids have accounts set up by their grand parents.. PILs is for their education my parents is for when they turn 18 or 21 (my kids ar richer then us).

its only a bank account, it is not every other decision you still are the parent. you get to teach the value of money... and how nice will it be for your dd to recieve a nice chunk of money when she is what ever age that she never knew about...