Caesar mums- do you feel you missed out?

[LizLemon]

Oh maybe for about 5 minutes? and then I got over it. My DS was c-section and this one will be too. There are many things I would have regretted in life had I not done them - the biggest being a parent, but giving birth vaginally is not one of them. Why? Because it is a purely medical thing that we often don't have control over. I didn't have control over how I would give birth to DS, so it is not something I worry about. And he is here safe and THAT is what is important.

I trust my OB completely and therefore have no doubt over having a c-section this time. Sure, it would be easier if I had a vaginal in terms of recovery and dealing with a toddler at the same time but that is the way the cards have fallen and I am fine with that.

I find it offensive that that woman or anyone else would be trying to project her views on you like that. It shows her insecurities, not yours. Make peace with your decisions and know that being a good parent is the key - not achieving a particular birth just because people tell you you should.

[berrme]

I don't feel like I missed out and the older my children get the less important the way that I birthed them seems.

I have had a c/s and a VB and I don't think it mattered even a month afterwards how each had been born. I preferred the VB, but I don't compare my children by how they were born, I don't love my second son more because he came out of my vagina. Children at school don't compare eachother by how their mother birthed them. It is only women who judge themselves and unfortunately sometimes other women on their births.

Personally I knew I couldn't ask for surgery with my second birth unless it was medically necessary, but that was ME. I wasn't traumatised, I recovered quickly, I bonded and BF fine...I just wanted to do it without surgery. When preparing for my VBAC I met a number of women who were very damaged by their c/s and to go for another would have been unthinkable for them. They needed something different from their next birth to heal. But I would never tell someone they should feel ashamed of themselves for wanting a c/s. I would have smacked anyone who told me I was doing the wrong thing by going for a VBAC. How dare they tell you what you should choose! Ignore the woman in question and do what will make you feel the most comfortable.

[KitFaerie]

Nope. I didn't know I was supposed to? I never expected to have any problems bonding, breastfeeding or being a kick ass mummy. DS is absolutely perfect and the way he was born was and is completely irrelevant to my feelings about him and about being a mother.

[Smoke Jaguar]

I should probably qualify that I answered the post from the POV of a VBer, and I am very anti-unneccessary intervention. I haven't had a c-section and I feel very strongly about people people's opinions disempowering others. That will always get my goat! You only get true peace when you are true to yourself. No-one else counts, except your children, and they are the only ones you ever have to answer to, my love

[kelsbels]

Yeah see that's the thing. I've had a lot of negativity about my Caesar, mainly from other newish mums and generally at playgroup and GENERALLY from mums who had relatively quick and 'easy' births. Yet then I have a friend who had a horror labour and birth who had already told me she will be having a Caesar next time. The way I see it is only the mother can own the feelings as a result of the birth, and I have never felt anything negative about it until now. I'm disappointed with myself for feeling this way and angry I didn't stand up but she made me feel small, like there was something wrong with me for not wanting what 'every mother wants'.

Perhaps I will do some research on vbac, so that at least I can say whatever decision I make was based on knowledge and research yeah? Who knows, perhaps I'll surprise myself with what I learn...

[Melster]

I really think its a personal decision and its totally up to you what you want to do because its you're birth and you're body and you're experience..i dont think there are any right or wrong decisions.

For me i lost my fluid and was induced 3 weeks early..and she got very distressed and ended up having to have an emergency c-section....

This time i will try for a vaginal because i want to experience what it is like (but will probably regret it LOL) but if i cant, i cant im not too worried..its more about my body being ready..i want to go into labour naturally. My reasoning for wanting to try is because i got post natal after birth and i couldnt/wouldnt hold her when they ask and i didnt bond with her and had trouble bfeeding etc..and have been told that if you're body is ready the milk comes in easier and the let down of hormones is good for you and can help with post natal...

[Heaven]

Perhaps I will do some research on vbac, so that at least I can say whatever decision I make was based on knowledge and research yeah? Who knows, perhaps I'll surprise myself with what I learn...

I think that's the best thing to do. Making an informed decision will hopefully mean you'll have no regrets no matter how you choose to give birth

[Smoke Jaguar]

Whatever these women say is about THEM, not about you, even if they say it's about you
I would definitely recommend doing some research, because then you can say that you really do have an informed opinion (deciding on intervention without looking into the alternatives is not informed, it's biased) about your decision, and you can then just respond with "I've done my research, I'm informed of the risks and I will answer to my children only".
No one individual woman is responsible for her birth outcome. Whether its natural or medical, even if you have a freebirth, the birth experience is a product of a society, of a culture and the structures within it. Small 'p' politics is very much part of every birth in this country, whether you know it or not. If you can distance yourself from the blame, shame or regret then you are actually in a much better place than a lot of other women who have been damaged by the same experience, and I am genuinely very happy that you are in this space about your previous birth
You really don't have to answer to these women.

[Charlotte91]

Yeah see that's the thing. I've had a lot of negativity about my Caesar, mainly from other newish mums and generally at playgroup and GENERALLY from mums who had relatively quick and 'easy' births. Yet then I have a friend who had a horror labour and birth who had already told me she will be having a Caesar next time. The way I see it is only the mother can own the feelings as a result of the birth, and I have never felt anything negative about it until now. I'm disappointed with myself for feeling this way and angry I didn't stand up but she made me feel small, like there was something wrong with me for not wanting what 'every mother wants'.

I got the same thing. Other mums telling me how easy DD should have been to deliver (She was 3lb 12oz). It used to make me feel like a failure because I couldn't deliver her the 'normal' way. Don't listen to them. Its hard not to. They aren't in your shoes and they can't tell you what to think or how to feel.

[AJC]

Not way do I regret having a caesar and I certainly don't feel like I've 'missed out' just because I didn't experience contractions/labour/vaginal birth. I don't care if I have another caesar with this bub, I just want another healthy bub. My only negative with my caesar was the pain after birth, however my sister had a natural birth which didn't go so well and was actually in more pain for a longer period of time than I was having a c/s.

[Astrid]

I have had 2 unwanted c-sections and yes I do feel like I have missed out on having a VB. They are my feelings though and if someone, like yourself, opts to have a c-section after previously having one, then that is your choice. I was made to feel bad enough, that I was wanting something silly by fighting for a VBAC 2nd time around. It was horrid, I don't think any other mother should be made to feel that way for making an informed choice

[starangelk]

I had a CS because DD was breech and yep, I felt totally ripped off and devastated - AT THE TIME. But I dealt with it and got over it and am now totally fine. I'm pregnant again and seriously considering electing for a c/s over a VBAC for many reasons. There is a little voice in the back of my head telling me I might regret it though - it's a hard decision. I think having a CS before takes the whole fear out of it it.

[Jas]

Hi,

I haven't had a caesar, so I can't answer the question exactly but my first was an induced labour and I ended up having an epidural to bring by bp down to bring ds's heart rate down to avoid caesar (te bp and ds heartrate being up were due to the induction but thats another story) anyway I did feel loss for my natural drugfree birth. I just wanted to say really don't take this woman's reaction to your birthplans to heart, while it was quite abrupt and certainly not nice what she said I think for her she sounds like she has very strong emotions attached to her birth experience that she is still dealing with and from her perspective she will be feeling such a loss and probably thinking why would you so easily give up what she so sadly lost. I'm not at all trying to say she was right I'm just trying to say don't take it personally

[Kmn]

I am annoyed that I had to have a CS (breech/transverse bub), but more than anything that is because I knew in advance that for me surgery leads to long term scar pain. And DS is 3 but my scar still hurts.

I think that you should consider all your options as carefully as you can. It shouldn't be about feeling "more of a woman", but about weighing up the risks and benefits of each option for both you and bub. And there is of course no uber-clear-cut answer, or we would all be automatically having repeat CS's or trying for VBACs, rather than the field being split in the way it is!

[buliej]

I can't believe she said that to you - it's your choice.

I had an emergency C-section and was over the moon that I had a healthy baby - by the time the decision had been made to have the emergency c-section that is the ONLY thing I cared about. I never planned on a c-section yet I never did a birth plan because I felt that a plan could lead to disappointment if not followed (for me - I'm a huge planner and not sticking to one would cause me stress, so I realized that it made sense not to have a plan - so out of character for me, but it totally worked for me) - I did assume I'd have a "normal" delivery - but I didn't have it all planned in my head or on paper if you know what I mean.

If I have number 2, it will probably be by c-section and that's my choice - the ONLY thing that I wish I could change (other than the worry that goes with having your waters break 4 weeks early), is that DS was not allowed with me in the recovery room. I held him immediately after his birth for what felt like a decent and special couple of minutes and he was with DH the whole time, but I was alone in the recovery room with a nurse for about 40 minutes and I hated being there without my baby and husband. I'm not sure why this was - and I plan on asking my OB about this if/when we are discussing delivery plans for number 2 (fingers crossed).

[JennaJayen]

I can't believe she said that to you either - everyone's experience with c/sec is different, and everyone feels differently afterwards.

I have had a traumatic c/sec and a healing VBAC, so I'm a bit biased.

But...

I as induced with DS at 41+3 as I was in so much pain in my hips/back/pelvis, mostly from his position (he was posterior) but also from something that happened to my hip when I was 7wks that I still haven't got a diagnosis for.
After 41 hours of labout (most of it on my back) my OB said DS was stuck, we were both taccychardic (very low BP) and said they could either try vacuum extraction or go straight to c/sec. I was devastated as I had been wanting a VB more than anything, and it was really traumatic for me especialy when the vacuum extraction didn't work, and I was so scared that I'd need another c/sec with my next baby (yep, I had major issues lol).
My stepmum, who has had 4 c/secs, tried to calm me down before I went into theatre and told me it wasn't the end of the world etc, but I was panicking to much to listen (I'm also terrified of being cut open, and surgery of any kind in general lol).
So after having DS I felt cheated, I cried continuously, it took ages for me to start producing colostrum, and then even longer for my milk to come in and the nursery staff gave DS formula for his first feed instead of trying to get in to breastfeed, so when I wanted to try and breastfeed he wouldn't have a bar of it and wouldn't latch on, and then by 6wks what little milk I was producing was gone anyway.
I was determined to have a VBAC with DD because I had felt so cheated and I was still terrified of being operated on.
For me it was a healing experience to have my VBAC, I have bonded so much better with DD than I did with DS, because our first feed without the syringe was a breastfeed, which felt like a victory for me.
After my c-sec with DS is took me almost 2 days to get out of bed because I felt that horrible with the pain and discomfort, whereas with DD I was up and having a shower within an hour of her being born, and I felt well enough to go home that night even though we had to wait 24 hours for her sugar levels to be pronounced "Normal" because I had had GD, but I felt great! So a little over 24 hours after she was born I was home and feeling good and well the best I had felt for literally months!
Sorry to waffle on so much, but just thought I'd share what it was like for me. It would probably have been differnt if the c/sec with DS had been wanted and planned and not traumatic for me, but unfortunately I can't change that, I'm just glad I now have 2 healthy children and had the chance to experience both the c-sec and VBAC.
For me, acheiving the VBAC and to be still expressing makes me feel less like a failure as a mother than I did before.

[Gigi]

i have had one labour
planned for and began a natural home water birth
ended up in an ambulance after 29 hours of labour
spent 7 hours of medical intervention in a hospital
then emergency c-section with complications
bonding was very difficult
PND
very long recovery period before i could stand up and walk with my back straight, not having to hold onto walls

so i resent my c-section still, after 4.5 years.
i resent the many months of my baby's first year, when all i could do was the bare essentials of caring for her, i was too ill to even stand long enough to make a sandwich.

but i would not put my experience onto another mother. I think how you go thru labour, is your decision.

i cannot use the b word about my daughter. i also say "when she arrived". i cannot bring myself to say "her b*****".

i wish i had educated myself thoroughly, about ALL ways of going thru labour. i ONLY found out about VB, and so when the opposite was happening to me (emerg c-section at 41w and 5days), i had no clue, could not make informed judgements and was at the behest of the strangers (medical staff) that happened to be on duty that day.

i tried going to CARES and it didn't help - the focus was on having a VBAC to heal yourself, for your subsequent babies. Didn't help me when my first baby was going to be my last baby.