Hi Mrsr,

I too was utterly miserable for the first couple of weeks following Euan's birth - I cried more in that time than I have ever cried in my life. I was terrified when DP went back to work 4 days after I got out of hospital and had no idea how I'd cope by myself. Luckily for me, these feelings eased - once I had written down my birth story. It was only by getting it down on 'paper' that I realised that I was quite traumatised by the circumstances of Euan's birth. I also spoke to anybody who'd listen - midwife, MCH psychologist, GP, etc. etc. Sometimes a third party can be of great help because they are not emotionally invested in the birth in some way.

So yes, it is important that you debrief!! Your hubby may not realise exactly how important that this is to you, and is also dealing with his own response to the birth - although maybe his way of dealing with it is at odds with yours. Perhaps he is being dismissive of your need to debrief because talking about it would mean he has to admit (to you and to himself) how scared he was, and how scared he is of being a parent.

A few days before Christmas my DP had gone out to the pub (100mtrs away) for a beer with a few friends, knowing that Euan was finally down for a sleep and so was I. He'd left a note saying where he'd gone, that he'd be back in an hour, and to call if I needed anything. His mum was still staying with us too, so it wasn't like he'd left me alone. What he didn't know (because he hadn't wanted to wake me by coming into the bedroom!) is that I'd been lying in bed unable to sleep and getting more and more stressed by the minute - and that five minutes after he left I had got up, wanting a hug in the hope it might send me to sleep. I then got upset and in tears because he wasn't there, mostly because I felt like crap, but didn't want to begrudge him the only time he'd had to himself since Euan was born because it happened to coincide with a time that I felt crap. When he got back (1 hour later, as promised!), he asked if I felt better after my sleep - I burst into tears again and told him what had happened. He asked me why I hadn't rung him - that he would have come straight home if he had known. And he would have too. I know that if I ask him to come and help me, he will drop everything (and has done), and go without sleep settling Euan even though he's got to go to work because I am exhausted.

The point I am making with this very long and seemingly pointless ramble is that often guys find it harder to grasp the concept that newborns are 24/7 - with no understanding of parental desires to watch that TV show, or have that beer, or even just sleep. It's not that they are necessarily being deliberately neglectful, or selfish, it's just that it takes a little while for the concept to really hit home. Perhaps you could let hubby know that you are really apprehensive about your mum going home and that maybe he could postpone going to the movies until you are a bit more settled. Let him know that you recognise his need for some 'him' time (just as you need some 'you' time), but that right at the moment you really need his help. Two or three hours is nothing to us, but it's a very long time in the life of a week old baby. Perhaps there is something else he can do to get a bit of a break right now that doesn't involve being away from the house for so long, or that means that he can't come back to the house if he's needed.

And please, I'd love to hear your birth story!