feelings of failure

[Olive]

dont really know where to start with this but...

im starting to feel anxious about our next birth, not TTC til later in the year, but cant help but feel jealous of other who have drugfree, tear free births, the exact thing i long for. i know that births cant always be perfect but concerned if i dont have the birth i long for then thing will result in me getting PND again, something i wish to avoid.

i had a long labour 36 hours form waters breaking to birth, induced, 3 hours of pushing 3rd degree tearing plus labial tear, knocked out on pethidine, epidural, but i must say one gorgeous girl and a very successful breast feeding relationship, for which i am very proud of.

so why cnat i shake the feeling of faliure??

im having a doula this time round, but still very scared about how things will go.

sorry this must sound very random and jumbled but hard to express at the moment just how i feel

any suggestions ?

TIA

[mrsmac]

My 1st baby was born by induction with gas and peth, had to have forceps and an episiotomy (sp?) and had millions of stitches inside and out. My 2nd was such a difference- no induction no tears or grazes, I felt a million dollars afterwards! I did have gas and peth though. My 3rd was induced but was no tears/grazes either and I only had gas.
Even though my 1st birth was fairly traumatic my subsequent births were so much better so try and think about the fact that even after a "bad" birth you can go on to have much less painful/traumatic ones.
Good luck, you'll be fine. BTW all mine have been over 8lbs too.

[Olive]

thanks for the reassurance mrsmac! i really hope things are different next time!

[fionas]

Hi AJP

First things first, don't compare your birth to other women's births and think you are a failure by comparison. You're not - who knows - 99% of women may have had an epidural and tears if they'd experienced the length and pain of your labour but the truth is, only you did, so we'll never know.

Secondly, I think it's a fantastic decision to get a doula.

Thirdly, I found that I put a lot of pressure on myself in my third trimester to have a drug-free birth so much so that it was beginning to get me down and I was getting stressed by the expectations I had put on myself. Then I read, what I think is a fantastic book by Juju Sundin called, I think, New Active Birth (I've lent it to numerous people so don't have it to hand). Basically, Juju argues that you can never feel a failure if you know you've done your very best to have a drug-free labour and that means learning some pain management techniques and trying to use those for as long as possible. I used then in my labour and they were terrific - I did end up having an epidural but I didn't feel a failure because I had the peace of mind of knowing I'd tried by absolute best. So if you get chance, I'd have a read. I literally cried with relief when I read it because it made so much sense.

[Olive]

fiona, its interesting but i have already told myself that if i need an epidural agin then i;ll have one!! just never ever again have pethidene!! i think sometimes along as im actually conscious (pethidene) during the labour then im doing good! and i often think would i feel the same if i just gone straight to the epidural and had a clearer mind when sophie was actually born, that i wouldnt feel like this, i feel i cheated of some memories of sophie birth due to simply not remebering.

i really need to stop putting so much pressure on myself dont i!!!

to be honest i really dont want to avoid the tearing! im still getiing over the pain of that, painfully DTD 16 months later and the memories of the pain from that episotomy just dont go away

[Janie]

Jols, you know I've had similar thoughts, so I understand where you're coming from.

Hun, you CAN and WILL do it. I know you will. You'll have your lovely DH by your side, as well as a doula (great idea), you will be well-prepped, and most of all you will want it so badly. You know that sometimes things just can't go to plan, but if you've done everything in your power to have the birth you want and deserve, I think you will still feel satisfied.

You're making me excited, I can't wait for you to be pg!!!!!!

ETA Hun, did you ever get that pain checked out? I think it's worth it if you haven't, you know what I went through.

[Olive]

thanks sez, i know you believe in me!!! i cant wait for YOU to be pregnant!!

as for the pain, ive seen dr's gyno, physios!! its finally a lot better, juat have had to take it easy and i think only BF once a day has made things more comfortable, also using a FANTASTIC different lube and its brilliant!!

this may seen crazy but have also been worried that if it hurts to DTD how and i going to give birth!?!?!