feelings of failure

[Olive]

dont really know where to start with this but...

im starting to feel anxious about our next birth, not TTC til later in the year, but cant help but feel jealous of other who have drugfree, tear free births, the exact thing i long for. i know that births cant always be perfect but concerned if i dont have the birth i long for then thing will result in me getting PND again, something i wish to avoid.

i had a long labour 36 hours form waters breaking to birth, induced, 3 hours of pushing 3rd degree tearing plus labial tear, knocked out on pethidine, epidural, but i must say one gorgeous girl and a very successful breast feeding relationship, for which i am very proud of.

so why cnat i shake the feeling of faliure??

im having a doula this time round, but still very scared about how things will go.

sorry this must sound very random and jumbled but hard to express at the moment just how i feel

any suggestions ?

TIA

[mrsmac]

My 1st baby was born by induction with gas and peth, had to have forceps and an episiotomy (sp?) and had millions of stitches inside and out. My 2nd was such a difference- no induction no tears or grazes, I felt a million dollars afterwards! I did have gas and peth though. My 3rd was induced but was no tears/grazes either and I only had gas.
Even though my 1st birth was fairly traumatic my subsequent births were so much better so try and think about the fact that even after a "bad" birth you can go on to have much less painful/traumatic ones.
Good luck, you'll be fine. BTW all mine have been over 8lbs too.

[Olive]

thanks for the reassurance mrsmac! i really hope things are different next time!

[fionas]

Hi AJP

First things first, don't compare your birth to other women's births and think you are a failure by comparison. You're not - who knows - 99% of women may have had an epidural and tears if they'd experienced the length and pain of your labour but the truth is, only you did, so we'll never know.

Secondly, I think it's a fantastic decision to get a doula.

Thirdly, I found that I put a lot of pressure on myself in my third trimester to have a drug-free birth so much so that it was beginning to get me down and I was getting stressed by the expectations I had put on myself. Then I read, what I think is a fantastic book by Juju Sundin called, I think, New Active Birth (I've lent it to numerous people so don't have it to hand). Basically, Juju argues that you can never feel a failure if you know you've done your very best to have a drug-free labour and that means learning some pain management techniques and trying to use those for as long as possible. I used then in my labour and they were terrific - I did end up having an epidural but I didn't feel a failure because I had the peace of mind of knowing I'd tried by absolute best. So if you get chance, I'd have a read. I literally cried with relief when I read it because it made so much sense.

[Olive]

fiona, its interesting but i have already told myself that if i need an epidural agin then i;ll have one!! just never ever again have pethidene!! i think sometimes along as im actually conscious (pethidene) during the labour then im doing good! and i often think would i feel the same if i just gone straight to the epidural and had a clearer mind when sophie was actually born, that i wouldnt feel like this, i feel i cheated of some memories of sophie birth due to simply not remebering.

i really need to stop putting so much pressure on myself dont i!!!

to be honest i really dont want to avoid the tearing! im still getiing over the pain of that, painfully DTD 16 months later and the memories of the pain from that episotomy just dont go away

[Janie]

Jols, you know I've had similar thoughts, so I understand where you're coming from.

Hun, you CAN and WILL do it. I know you will. You'll have your lovely DH by your side, as well as a doula (great idea), you will be well-prepped, and most of all you will want it so badly. You know that sometimes things just can't go to plan, but if you've done everything in your power to have the birth you want and deserve, I think you will still feel satisfied.

You're making me excited, I can't wait for you to be pg!!!!!!

ETA Hun, did you ever get that pain checked out? I think it's worth it if you haven't, you know what I went through.

[Olive]

thanks sez, i know you believe in me!!! i cant wait for YOU to be pregnant!!

as for the pain, ive seen dr's gyno, physios!! its finally a lot better, juat have had to take it easy and i think only BF once a day has made things more comfortable, also using a FANTASTIC different lube and its brilliant!!

this may seen crazy but have also been worried that if it hurts to DTD how and i going to give birth!?!?!

[Janie]

Ooooh, what's the lube? BFing has reeeeally affected me in that way

I know what you mean about actually having the baby, when even DTD is uncomfortable!

[Olive]

its called Sylk, just from the supermarket!! awesome stuff!!!

[MantaRay]

Jols, I think you're feelings and fears are pretty common. I too was disappointed with my first birth, although it wasn't too bad, I had an epidural and a tear which became an episiotomy. I am much happier with my second birth - just gas and a small tear which left me with such little pain I needed no pain relief. I think the biggest difference second time around was being more prepared - I had been through labour once, so had less fear of it and more idea of what to expect. And also I had done a lot of reading up after my first birth and had a much better idea about positioning etc. The best thing I can recommend to you is to read great birth books like New Active Birth. Knowledge is power, and while things can still go wrong, knowing what works best and what doesn't gives you a much better chance of getting the birth you want. GL.

[~Raven~]

Jols.

I think the best thing that you can get from your first birth (well besides Sophie...der Sam ) is knowing.
Knowing what you do and don't want to happen again!

My first labour was going along great guns till I laid on my back and then it went bad. I ended up not being able to push out Mason and nobody suggested an upright position. Instead I had the OB on one leg and a midwife on the other .They told my to push my foot into their hips and then they pushed my knees up to my ears while I beared down. That is what I believe caused the back problems I have now because the pain I remember from Mason being born was from my back, pelvis and hips. I didn't feel any tearing and I had a 2nd degree tear!
I refuse to lay on the bed for my other 2 births. There was no way! I was up on my knees when it was pushing time and that was where I stayed Before that I was in the tub or bouncing on the ball.

Don't be scared Jols be prepared. You already know you won't have any pethadine because you didn't like the way it made you feel. Write it in your birth plan and tell them under no circumstances to offer it to you!

I agree a Doula can be a wonderful way to help you feel supported and achieve the birth you want. I have seen one of the best in action and think they are wonderful. I'd definitely have one if there was a next time

[becky]

Id say mainly stay positive AJP!!
I speak from experience, evry labour is different! My first lbour was 24 hours, drug induced, 3 hrs pushing and 3rd degree tear (labour sounds quite a lot like yours).
My second labour though was 4 1/2 hours in total from first contraction. Pushed 3 times and she was out. Very small tear. It just goes to show that all labours are different, and chances are, your second will be a lot better than your first.

God Luck and stay positive!! Try not talk yourself into feeling like a failure. X

[Nelle]

Big squooshy hugs Jols.

Sammi's right, you can use Soph's birth experience to make some really firm decisions about what you'd like for your next labour. You already are, and that's awesome.

When it comes to not remembering, well, I had no drugs, but I can hardly remember a thing, so don't feel you're worse off there! My hormones kinda put me into this trance...which is where a doula/birth support person is great - I still ask Cobes (birth support/student middy/friend) ooh, what did I say here, or where was Riv when this happened, or how long did this take - I have no clue!

And even with my relatively uncomplicated and straightforward labour (though I did end up with a minor tear), I'm still a bit apprehensive about the birth - though less and less as I grow more and more uncomfy.

And I think it's so grouse you're getting a doula, I reckon Cobes made such a difference for me - just having that extra person to encourage/assist. I wasn't concerned about Rans at all and I had someone to advocate for me - not that that was really necessary at the birth centre. Would you consider birthing at the Family Birth Centre next time? I loved my waterbirth...

I think perhaps a doula will help you retain that feeling of control too - they know your preferences, and will help you have the birth you're after, and if for whatever reason intervention is needed, they will get the hospital to consult with you, based on what they know you want, instead of intervention 'happening' to you because you and dh aren't in a position to advocate for yourselves. Am I making sense?

Anyway, while I haven't experienced what you have, I still wanted to come in with my encouragement, who knows what a birth will be like, they're as different and unique as the children that come at the end.
But it sounds like you're going to give yourself the best possible chance at the birth you want next time round - and really, what more can you do?
Can't wait til you're pregnant, by the way.