I wish Mel but alas, I'm still here. Plenty of pains overnight but that's been going on for over a week.

DH had an overnight at work last night (but he was only 10 mins away) so I had plenty of time to sit and think. I ended up getting DS out of his bed and bringing him in with me so I could have cuddles. I was up again from 2.30am because of my hands and I haven't been able to get back to sleep. I think this is really affecting my usually rational brain.

It is raining and storming here today, tonight is a full moon so I'm trying to put some faith in the universe that bub will get a move on (or at least give me a few more convincing pains) so I can get beyond Friday.

However, having said all that, I think this is it for me. I think I've done all I can do. I got an amazing package from a wonderful BB woman who I admire so much last night. I really spend time reading the things in there and I felt a moment of clarity. I need to balance what I feel inside as this childs mother with modern medicine. Yes, I wanted this child to choose their birthday but perhaps this is their way of choosing. When I'm quiet and listen deep inside I know that I can sacrifice having a shower in labour, being able to get up and move around, TBH I'd sacrifice anything to have a safe gooey baby placed on my chest.

I feel a bit more a peace today. DH is home any moment so I think once I talk it over with him I'll feel more at ease.

I don't want to have a poor me moment, but I also don't want to fail all you amazing women. I think sometimes courage is having the guts to say I can't go on.

Spring x