People present at the birth and afterawrds

[~clover~]

I just want to say something.

When I had DD1 I was insistant that I only wanted DH in with me while I was in labour. My mum & MIL came up after I'd been in labour for 10 hours & were going to sit in the waiting room.
They asked someone how long they thought I'd have & they said a while. So Mum & MIL offered to come in just while DH goes out for a smoke - he did really well going so long! He only had the one in 18 hours!
Any way I told the midwife that I wanted them out as soon as DH came back.

But as soon as they came in I changed my mind. Mum had gone through labour 3 times & MIL 6 times. They knew what to do & how to help.
They knew what the MW & OB were talking about.
If MIL wasn't in there I could've been taken up for a c/s. They were talking about it coz it was taking so long & she suggested they give me a bit more time. I'm glad she did.

We were both young & didn't go to any pre natal classes though. Things might be completely different for you.

I wish my mum was there for both the other 2, but she couldn't be.

You don't have to, but maybe your mum or someone to help you through the labour & make it clear that as soon as baby comes out she is to go & give you & your partner time.

I don't know you, but I don't think I could've done it with out my mum.

[Andjxx]

Its all well and good if you get along with your mum - but my mum usually just makes me angry and frustrated - not exactly the type of mood I want to be in at that time.

Both her and my MIL are illogical and frustrating and I am likely to bite their heads off if they start to annoy me - not exactly something I want to do at that time.

You do make a good point for people who are close to their mum's though.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I'm going into cold sweats imagining my mother there! Just not a good idea. Yeah, she's done it before, she can tell me everything I'm doing wrong, just like she has done all my life. Great one. I didn't even want DH there let alone some woman I don't even like, just happen to be related to.

As for "only the people at the conception" argument - do you have midwives/obs there? What about IVF babies, should the parents not be present and the scientists there instead? (Sorry, this is a bit of a thread hijack, but just curious.)

[~clover~]

Yeah, good point about you mum/ MIL.

[mummato3]

I would whole heartedly support not having hordes of visitors in the first 24 hours after after having bubs.
This time is just soooo important, not only for you and your dh to spend quality time initiating that bonding time, and getting to know this new little person in your life, but it is also important that you have this time to rest and recover and just have some time to yourselves.
Let the midwives at the hospital you are going to know that you dont want visitors for the first 24 hours and they can put a sign on your door.
Tough luck if family dont like it, there will be plenty of time for visiting in the weeks after!!

[leebee81]

I wouldn't say anything, because you might change your mind on the day. I'd just nod and smile when people say stupid things and then do what feels right when you get there.

I didn't want anyone to know I was in labour, but when I was in early labour I allowed hubby to tell the IL's. They IL's were very unlikely to just rock up (unlike my parents). I had no intention of staying long in the hospital so when I was told I had to hang around a couple of hours for the paed to discharge Oliver, we invited the IL's into the birth suite to see him (this was after I had a shower). I felt so great when I got home that my parents plus a bunch of my extended familly, SIL and her family, and some of our friends came around. We ended up going to the Thai place around the corner for dinner.

I'm glad I got all the visiting out of the way while I was full of endorphins, because on day 2 I felt like I'd been run over, and on days 3 and 4 I had the blues. I didn't anticipate I'd be up to seeing anyone but I really wanted to show off my new baby after my hard work. So I'd keep an open mind about visitors.

For birth attendants I just wanted hubby and noone else and I was pretty blunt about that, but noone offered to attend anyway so it wasn't an issue.

[MummyZ]

I think the way you asked indicates you respect people and opinions and I hope you maintain it for yourself and your instincts.

I've read surfing that the environment in which a child is ideally created is optimal for birth. (ie. private, loving, intimate) and even the hormones involved are similar which made sense to me.

This is my first so I can't relate any birth stories yet... great or awful... but I can warn you from experience whether it is this issue or another there may come a point in your pregnancy where your instincts go against "tradition". I have found surfing there are always valid reasons for my feelings and it's a sad fact that people may need someone else's words to believe your deisres are valid. Arm yourself with anything you read or hear that may make it clearer to those you are forced to justify yourself to.

With the birth I figure this is my child's first experience of the outside world and am trying for the best environment to be relaxed, comfortable & intuitive so I can focus on what we need & need to do. My first thought is not stressing, getting breastfeeding started & falling more in love. I'm sure it could be done for an audience to be discussed over coffees and lunchbreaks but instead I'm going for the "closed session".

I am having feelings about not having anyone there at all except my husband for the first 24 hours.

My mum told me the nicest thing last week when we were talking about when she should come... "when I had you guys all I wanted was to be with [your father] it was such a special time together". I feel the same and when we all lie in bed together I am visualising our child lying outside my body in exactly the same environment of peace as soon as "it" decides it's ready. But I've also told her I may want her to drop everything and high tail it to me... depends what happens I guess.

This is one of the first of a generations' long list of decisions we get to make for our families & decendants... we only get to make them once, make sure it's one you are proud of whatever that turns out to be. Feel free to change your mind if it feels right, as many times as it feels right.

[chocolatecatty]

I too wouldn't be telling people I was in labour. Our close freinds let us know when their labour started but they had complications and she had a 36 hour labour and of course naturally (and rightly) didn't update us with what was happening so we were always thinking the worst had happened etc. And I imagine there'd be an extra expectation on you as the labouring woman to hurry up adn get it finished so everyone waitign can breathe a sigh of relief and charge in!

[Karina]

My advice would be not to tell anyone you are in labour. That way they wont know and wont come and visit you. DH also called people with updates while I was in labour - something I was NOT happy with. For our next baby, I'll be only telling people the NEXT day, after the baby is born. I dont want to have people waiting for me up at the ward when I get to my room.. I regret not telling everyone to leave. I didnt get to have any nice mummy and daughter time that day and I feel this made it harder for me to bond with my daughter. Remeber, a decent person will respect your wishes, so if they wont, they obviously think its all about them and not you. So yeah, personally, I wouldnt even tell anyone that your even in labour.

[onlyone]

we could not think of anything worse than having family and friends at the birth

we will not be telling anyone until after the baby is born no unexpected visitors that way, the first 24 hours are 2 important.

I don't understand some people, we did not need any help getting the baby in why the need for all the onlookers and opinion about getting it out

[*Ang*]

Wow, I am about to say something that goes against the grain here.

I totally agree that you need to make a decison that is best for you, your baby and your partner but I just want to put the case forward for having visitors. I am not necessarily talking about people in the birthing suite but afterwards.

I couldnt WAIT to show my new babies to everyone and have our families and friends share in the joy and love that we were feeling. I still managed to bond with my children. I still managed to get some quiet time (simply asked them to leave when visiting times were over), I still managed to share special time with my DH and I still managed to get specialist advice from midwives, lactation consultants etc (would simply move to another room or ask visitors to wait in the waiting room).

Our baby/babies arent just mine and my husbands to love. They are a product of our wonderful family and friends and I couldnt imagine anything worse then telling them - no sorry you cant see your grandchild/neice/cousin etc.

I really wanted to show off my new baby after my hard work. So I'd keep an open mind about visitors.

Exactly how I feel - dont discount having visitors.

At the end of the day it is your choice, I am simply saying that I loved having visitors and found it to be a real positive thing and am wanting to present a different view to this discussion. And I still bonded with my babies despite having between 50-70 people visit over a 4 day period in hospital. In fact people comment on how close a relationship DD and I have.

And yes I am lucky that I have a very loving and suportive family and I realise that there may be instances where families are not like mine and are not as supportive/happy etc. But if there is no tension/disagreements or negative energy within your family certainly dont discount having them visit.

[alioops]

Hi!

From experience, some men do not handle their partner in pain very well. the last thing you need is your only support person passed out in the corner. It is very much worth having someone you can trust and are comfortable with in the room for added support. You will need to be comfortable being naked infront of them though. The amount of back rubbing I had throughout both of my labours, I needed an extra support person, DH couldnt rub hard enough for long enough, and I had short labours! On the other end of the spectrum, you could have a long labour and need DH to have some sleep while you are labouring, and you definitely dont want to be alone hun. That is when choice is taken away because you dont have someone there standing up for your rights, and when you are in pain logical thought is impossible.

I loved having visitors. I was bored the day that noone came to see us! Visitors kept my mind active while my babies slept, and i was sleeping quite well considering. If you feel like visiotrs, invite them. If you dont, then tell them to go away! Maybe the best option will be visitor by invite only, and ask the midwives to announce each visitor and always keep your door shut.

With first pregnancies and births you never know what will happen, so keep your options open. Chose standby support people and tell them that when you go into labour if you need more support they will be called, but if you are coping fine with just you and DH then you will let them know once bub is born. I know I will be telling people my EDD is 2 weeks later next time, I got so sick of the calls and messages! The best way to answer those is 'Dont worry I will tell you when the baby is born'

If there are no friends of family that you know and trust enough to have there, maybe consder a doula. If I was a long way from my family (my mum and I are very close) then I would hire a douls or fly mum up to where ever we are for a month just to make sure I had the support I need.

Please ask your DH if he thinks seeing you in a lot of pain may get too much for him, and if it might, then make sure you have backup support.

Remember, this is YOUR baby, YOUR pregancy, and YOUR birth. Only YOU have the right to make final decisions and if anyone doesn't respect them, they are very selfish and dont deserve to be told anything at any time. Visiting a new mum and baby is a priveledge, not a right. Make your choices known now, and if you change your mind that is your perogative, but do not let anyone force you to do something you dont want. RESEARCH everything, knowledge is power.

Allow people to have their offer to help in any way, and tell them you will let them know what they can do. For mum and MIL this might be making a freezer full of meals for when you get home and those times when you dont get a chance to cook. Make lists of all the things you would like help with and tell people that if they want to help they can do..... and once they have been helpful they then may get the priveledge to have baby cuddles, but only if they are really helpful. there is nothing worse than people who dont do anything but get in the way and make you feel uncomfortable.

Hope these ideas are some help for you hun. Being organised to begin with sets you up for an easier time once bubs is here. teach DH how to use the washing machine and make sure he does a load each day before he gets to the hospital, then you will have clean undies to come home to

[alton]

Hi alioops,

I had my first daughter in April 2006 and my biggest regret was not setting down some ground rules before to family. My mother was at the hospital about 10min after DH called - he tried to tell her not to come in but she turned up (stubborn), so DH told his parents to come in too.

Within an hour of having my daughter - I had my mum, In-laws & brother in-law all standing around the bed.

I was so sick vomitting into a kidney dish, I was still laying in all the blood/yukky stuff, vomit on the floor (which they had to step over to get to me) and a catherder bag full of urine. I hadn't had a chance to spend quality time with my daughter. It was horrible!!!

I am due to have my second baby on 20th August and have laid down the ground rules very clearly....with all family. I know my mum is a put out that she can't come in until I am up in the maternity ward, showered, rested, spent time with baby and breastfed. I told her that I will call her myself when I am ready to tell her the news and that she can come in.

Some advice, set the ground rules and make it very clear. You may feel great after delivery and can't wait to see people or you could be tired, sick and need time to recover & spend some quality time with your little baby in the first few hours.

Good luck
Al