Stressing about visitors after birth already!

[Heaven]

I had my last antenatal class on the weekend and the midwife was telling us about the first 3 days of baby's life. Day 1- baby is most alert in first hour and then has a big sleep which is a good time for me to rest. Day 2- milk hasn't come in so baby is wanting to feed heaps. Day 3- milk comes in, can have sore boobs.

So she was saying it's best if you can tell ppl not to visit straight away so you can get the rest you need on the first day. (If all goes well at the birth centre you go home after 6 hrs and the midwife visits you at home). Then on day 2 tho I don't want ppl in and out all day when I'm trying to feed, that would be awkward and I won't want to be doing it infront of everyone. Don't think I should have to go away and hide in my room when I'm trying to learn to feed. Then on day 3 I could be uncomfortable with sore bbs etc.

Ideally I don't want ppl to visit in those first few days but realistically that's not going to happen!! I just know ppl will be angry with me and upset if they can't come straight away. Already had 2 family members that live in NSW tell me as soon as they hear I'm in labour they're gonna start driving!! wtf?? Well anyway, I'm not telling ppl I'm in labour so that will solve that problem and I guess I'll have at least a day before they get here! So what do I do with the rest?? Family lives about 1.5hrs away so if they come it's not like I can say after 10mins, ok I'm tired now, go home, lol.

It's great that ppl are excited and want to see the baby but I feel jibbed!! It's our baby and we should be able to get to know it first and not feel pressured with ppl hanging around all the time. So basically I'm just stressing about it already. Any tips?? What did you do??

**mods, I have 2 threads with the same name in here, one of them has nothing in it, the forum crashed when I was trying to post, can someone please delete it for me??**

[SossiGirl]

Hi SJ
My advice would be to not tell anyone that your in labour then when you do decide to text message everyone then say visitors welcome from ... such and such day and the times. Tell the nurses that you dont want visitors when your feeling tired or need you and bubs time. The nurses are so good they totally understand and will tell the visitors to go and have a coffee and wait until your ready. Put a sign on your door to, thats what i did especially when bfeeding times.

Good luck SG.. very exciting times for you.

[Inanna]

I agree SG - pfft it they get cross my love. You need to look after you first - that's the first lesson in motherhood...

[feeb]

You could wait a week and then tell them you had baby LOL

Just be honest and say you want a few days to yourself to work things out. When I had DS i only had family (both our parents and my brothers) and a few very close friends, others i asked to wait a week or so and they were all fine with that.

[Trillian]

I think it shows a distinct lack of respect to you both when family members refuse to stay put and wait to be invited to meet the new family member. It's not a *right* and I think it should happen when you are ready for it to happen. If you were going to be in hospital, they all have pretty strict visiting hours, so there would be no huge drama with getting them to leave etc, but if you can't avoid it at home, then make sure that when you've had enough, or when baby's had enough, then it is made very clear that they are to leave. There will be plenty of time to meet the baby so it doesn't have to happen in the first day or so - even for those that have travelled they can still be told politely to bugger off and leave you be LOL - don't be worried about offending them. What I would be starting to do now is make it very clear that ALL visitors are to call first and arrange a suitable time to come and visit becuase there is nothing worse than people just dropping in unannounced when you might be taking a nap or feeding etc. You could also not tell them that you are home for a day or so to buy yourself some time as well - again, make sure everyone is crystal clear that you will call them and let them know when you are home and up for visitors. And if all that fails and you do need the time out, then go into your room to feed or have a snooze etc, and if they get all huffy about it, it's their problem not yours.

[Alan]

Hi SaraJane
This visiting thing can be a real problem. You know that your family and friend are going to want to meet your baby as soon as it is born, however you also know that you are really going to need your sleep and lots of special time with your baby and your partner.
What I normally do is, prior to mum giving birth I tell her that I am happy to prevent anyone visiting her or just limiting how long people can stay if they do visit. By doing this it is the nasty midwife that wont let people visit and not the new mum preventing family and/or friends from visiting.

Perhaps you could have a chat with the midwives and see if they are willing to do something like this for you

[Heaven]

lol, that's what I was thinking, just not tell them the baby was here, then when they ring to see if I've had the baby yet just say 'yeah, last wednesday actually' that would peeve them right off. Teach them a lesson thinking it's their right to come whenever they want.

I was thinking it would be harder being at home than hospital coz of no strict visiting times. I suppose I could make my own. If all goes well the plan is to go home 6 hrs after the birth!! So I have already been telling ppl that because I'm going home early I just stay in the birth suite until then and don't go to the maternity ward and that visitors aren't allowed in the birth suite, which isn't true but they don't have to know that.
I really hope ppl from interstate aren't planning on staying here or they'll be getting a rude awakening!!

Thankyou for the suggestions guys! I feel like I'll find it hard to tell them to get lost and feel like I have to entertain them. But I can always get DH to be the bad guy and tell ppl to leave, I don't think he'd care really.

[aussienic]

For visitors at home it makes it very tiring.. and I wasn't home home till day 5. We had MIL, FIL SIL partner her 2 kids and 2 friends all here for dinner that first night. I was exhausted and just wanted to be home with my boys and girl..

I ended up going to my room and having a sleep :P I thought bugger it. im tired I just had a baby I am doing whats right for me..

I had a very supportive partner who simply said Nic is tired and going to feed bub.. No one followed me or complained..

I think let them come but get up and leave the room or ask you partner to get them to go to another room while you feed baby.. Unfortunatly the only thing you can say is please don't visit for a few days.. I will email photos but for the furst few days I just want it to be us,,,

[Trillian]

That's the other thing - well intentioned family members who think they are going to stay there with you. You will have to get that sorted too - if you're happy to have your mum or DH's mum stay (not sure where they all live), then that's fine, but often you feel more drained from having 'help' stay there kwim?

[Heaven]

omg Nic, all for dinner on the first night!! I would cry, lol.

Yes Trillian, that's what I'm scared of. I don't want ppl to come stay. I can just imagine them thinking they're helping by looking after the baby and giving advice. I want to learn myself!! It wouldn't be my mum staying it would be people from NSW (I'm in Brisbane). But hopefully they're not stupid enough to think they would be welcome to stay at that time. I think I might get my mum to suss out what they're plans are for me and set them straight, lol.

[SugarDust]

When my aunty and her partner both had their babys they allowed a certain amount of time per person to visit so you could also try that like a roster kind of thingy!

[Heaven]

Yeah, I was trying to work out would it be better to have a 'roster' type thing but then I'd have lots of ppl all day or have lots of ppl come at once and get it over with, lol.

[Maruschke]

Wow Sara I hope they dont just turn up whenever they want and stay for a few nights / ask for a feed!

Perhaps let them know that it would be appropriate to visit for the hour e.g. 3-4 on thursday, and thats it?

Then they know

A - they cant stay with you
B - you arent feeding them / cooking with a newborn
C - they cant come whenever they want!

I reckon get it all over and done with in one shot!

[tenar]

I would suggest you allow visitors, but kick them out after 10 or 15 minutes. If you need to, warn them that this will be the case. Don't let anyone in while you are feeding or when you need to sleep - tell them to come between specific times that suit you.

Everyone understands that new mums and dads need time with their babies. Nobody wants to intrude on that time. But on the other hand, meeting and greeting a new person to the family is a terribly important thing for many people, and it says things about the whole relationship the family is going to have with that child.

I had a discussion about this with my sister before she gave birth to my niece. She was saying more or less what you are saying: she didn't want people to intrude on her bonding time with the baby, she knew she would be tired, and so on. I think that, because she hadn't had many friends with new babies before, she wasn't really realising that anyone with sense (and in my family we have sense) isn't going to impose themselves on a new mum for longer than a few minutes. So she was expecting people to just show up and stay for ages, which nobody was going to do. But she also didn't realise what a significant event this birth was for the whole family, not just the baby's mum and dad. The arrival of a new family member is very important to everyone, in most families, and while I understood what my sister was saying, I was hurt and offended at the suggestion that it might not be important to me to get to meet my niece when she arrived.

In the end, we traveled for a couple of hours to go visit my sister, her husband, and their baby on the day baby arrived. We were in the hospital for about 10 minutes all up, and that was all that was necessary. Everyone was very tired and happy, baby sleeping, of course we wouldn't want to intrude beyond saying "hello, welcome, congratulations, we love you". Yes, it was a long time to travel for being there 10 minutes, but totally worth it and I'd certainly do it again, for how much it meant to me to meet this baby and for how important I think it was for the whole family bonding to happen.

When my baby arrives in April, we'll be welcoming any family members or friends who want to come and visit to meet her. I think that is very important. But we'll kick them out if they stay too long, with no regrets about doing that, either. (If broad hints don't work, we'll be unsubtle until they get the message...).

Oh, and definitely make sure they don't stay. Coming to say hello and drop off casseroles for the freezer (and leaving again fast) = great. Coming and expecting to be fed = totally the wrong way around. In my opinion

[Ellie]

I'm so glad I'm not the only one 'stressing' about this!

DH and I have started telling people we won't be having visitors at the hospital other than our parents. After 6 losses...and this long journey...I really don't want an audience. I want to know I can cry if I need to and that we will have the space to bond as a family. I feel really nasty and I know people are probably upset and think I've 'lost it' but it's how we want it...so I'm hoping the midwives will back us up if need be! Haven't even thought about when we get home...will be interesting to read people's ideas on that one

[Maruschke]

Oh, and definitely make sure they don't stay. Coming to say hello and drop off casseroles for the freezer (and leaving again fast) = great. Coming and expecting to be fed = totally the wrong way around. In my opinion

Well said!

[lilcosmo]

I've been having the same concerns. Our hospital has visiting hours of 3-4pm and 7-8pm which they are not strict on, but I am going to tell everyone they are! I don't want people just turning up anytime they like. DP plans on sending out an 'arrival' txt on which he is going to ask people to call before visiting. I have also told DP that he is in charge of directing traffic. If I don't want visitors at a certain time or if someone outstays their welcome, I know I will just have to give him a 'look' and he will deal with it. Maybe I'll give him a code word

I think most people understand the pressures on a new mum and will respect your feelings/wishes. Let your DH deal with the ones who don't.

[Snacks]

I was really pleasantly surprised by my visitors after Natalie's birth. Most of our friends stayed away for the first week or so and our family were great - popped in for a visit but never stayed for too long.
I hope it is the same pleasant surprise for you
I guess the good thing about being at home is, like Nic said, you can just take yourself and bubs off for a feed/sleep whenever you feel like it and let DH deal with the fam. I did this a few times when immediate family came round (cos I knew they wouldn't care) and if other family / friends had've stayed beyond their welcome (it didn't happen - yay!) I would've done the same thing even though it kind of feels funny... You'd get over it!
People are pretty good about responding to your openness to IME. Don't hide your feelings. If you're not confident telling people to leave, feel free to yawn loudly, burst into tears, exclaim loudly how tired you are, etc etc. That's one way to get the message across