Gigi - Like the others say, and it sounds terrible, but this is all so normal for you to feel this way.
It does seem so unfair that after educating and preparing yourself so well that you didn't get the birth you wanted. It sometimes seems that the mums that have the c/s are the ones that weren't prepared for all this birthing stuff, hadn't done the reading, and just weren't committed to a natural birth.
Your experience shows very clearly how wrong that misconception is. There are soooooo many mums who wanted the ideal, and ended up with something they weren't happy with, and maybe when we seek the gold medal we are automatically setting ourselves up for failure.
I remember being angry with a couple of women in my circle that really didn't care much either way about what sort of birth they had, and they had an easy fast labour. It just happened, and they have no idea how lucky they are for achieving this so easily!
And then I hear of sooo many mums that have the heartbreak, just like what you have gone through (and I went through too), and it seems unfair.

I hope you get into a great mothers group. We all continue to have birth debriefs, and try to support each other through it. None of us really knew what we were getting ourselves in for, so we all have chatted many times about all of this, and its so good to get it all of your chest.

It took me quite a few days to write Jenna's birth story - and every time I did I was a blubbering mess. I couldn't go into my bathroom where I laboured by myself for what seemed forever, and I am getting a little nervous about potential back labour this time around. There are just some births that are traumatic.

But maybe dont concentrate on the birth - instead concentrate on the fact you grew Jacinta, she is your flesh and blood, and from here on in she will continue to amaze and astound you with every part of her. Gradually you will accept that her birthing process is part of your relationship, and when you think about what you went through to bring this life into the world, the bond will be the stronger for it.

Cry all you need to, but remember to smile as well, and slowly the bad stuff will disappear, and it will seem better.
Please chat to us whenever you need reminding that you are a star