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Thread: WDYT of this, im a bit horrified...

  1. #1

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    Default WDYT of this, im a bit horrified...

    My brother and SIL are expecting their first baby, they have had a few issues with her pregnancy, the main one being Polyhydramnios, diagnosed at 24 weeks as she was measuring 36 wks (!) she has been having weekly checks, u/s, to monitor fluid levels, which have been going up and down, but more down, she is currently 30 wks, and measuring 36wks still.

    At my mums place the other day, my Brother told us that the baby (little boy, Isaac ) will be here in 7 wks, my jaw dropped, "why?? whats happening??" SIL explained the OB doesnt want her to go over 37 wks, I asked if she was being induced or having a c/s, she replied that they hadnt really discussed it yet, but the OB seemed keen on cs (). I started to tell her that she would be much better off labouring, and better for Isaac too, but she got that closed look on her face and cut in saying " I will do whatever the OB says is best" and walked away....

    OK, probably my own fault that,I am a bit outspoken when it comes to birth and all, but she just wasnt even interested in listening.

    Anyway, mum had a chat with my bro later on, she asked why the baby was being delivered so early, surely it would be better for Isaac to stay where he was for as long as it was healthy??, Bro said he didnt know, they were just doing what they were told by the OB, hes a doctor, surely he knows whats best?? (*snort* from me)

    I am having a very hard time coming to grips with their way of thinking, it just appalls me that they are so uneducated about whats best for them and the baby...
    I know its not MY baby and its not MY birth, its not really any of my business.....but Im just hoping and wishing that everything will go OK and my nephew will be born healthy, and my SIL will be ok with her choices.

    Am I alone in thinking this is all a bit odd?


  2. #2

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    Hi there,

    I wonder if they aren't telling you everything? If they are happy to just 'go with the flow' with whatever the OB says, then maybe they haven't really listened to all the reasons properly and it may be a bit more serious than they are letting on? I would like to think that to deliver a baby at 37 weeks, there would have to be a serious problem (but that's in my ideal world ) I have no idea, but you just never know. And at the end of the day, some people are happy to trust their medical professional and there's nothing you can do about it. Instead of pushing other options, just have an easy chat to them about why the doc thinks bub needs to come that early. More information might come to light if they don't feel like they are being judged or pressured (not saying that you are doing ANY of those things, but they may feel that way). An easy conversation and maybe some brochures on other options for them given subtly may slowly bring them around. But in the end, like you said, it's totally their choice, just like it was our choice to give birth the way we wanted. All that matters is that little boy is healthy and happy In saying that though, it is so difficult to watch someone do something that you don't agree with, especially when it is family. Big hugs to you xxx

  3. #3

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    It is a bit odd, but one would hope the OB has a good reason to induce (whether naturally or by c/s) at 37 weeks. At least at 37 weeks, bub is considered full term. Unfortunately, sometimes as much as we would like to slap some sense into some people with their thinking, we can't. We just have to accept that this is their decision.

  4. #4

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    Aww hun

    There seems to be a few issues here with her preg, there might be other issues too. She is under ob care for a reason and she might not like you second guessing her situation. - which is probably hard enough for her as it is.


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    Thanks guys, I have wondered if theres other stuff going on that theyre not telling, but theyve been pretty open with everything throughout the pregnancy...
    I do try VERY hard not to come across as some know it all Birthing activist (because Im not, i just find it all very interesting and have been doing ALOT of research so my next birth is not the nightmare that Jacobs was)
    sigh......
    I should probably just pull my head in, I dont think Im helpng her or my brother at all.

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    I am so glad to hear that she is at 30 weeks and the Polyhydramnious appears to be stabilised and hasn't gone up as such
    With DD I also had Polyhydramnious and my OB also wasn't going to let me go far past 37-38 weeks at the absolutel max. In the end we didn't have to worry about induction as my waters ruptured anyway at 33 weeks. But once again it was obstetric care and I didn't know any better, but there is a pretty high chance that she will deliver early as the uterus can't cope with the excess fluid, although she is doing fabulously especially with the massive variation at 24 weeks. There are increased risks of complications, or haemoraging (sp), cord coming out witht he waters due to the shear amount of force, and the placenta tearing away due to the massive and quick reduction in the size of the uterus when the waters to break, which is most likely why they perceived "best" care is to not let the pregnancy go too long.

    Aside from knowing it could cause PTL I didn't know anything much about the complications with DD, and when my waters broke we weren't in a screaming hurry to get to the hospital 1 1/2 hours later we arrived due to hospitals being full etc, but it worked out for us in the end.....

    Take care hun, it can be hard to find the balance between sharing knowledge and not, I have found it very difficult with SIL and basically just give my opinion when asked, and then I leave her to make her decisions even though I do NOT agree with them, I find that keeping my mouth shut and ignoring them is easier and saves me getting stressed or worked up

    xxoo

    I hope things go smoothly for them

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    Maybe it's all a bit scary and overwhelming for them and they just don't need to hear anything else, you know?
    If my sibling told me they were having their baby at 37 weeks I'd immediately ask why too. Either way, you know it can't be for a good reason

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    ahhh, see now Beema, that makes a bit more sense! but thats not what Brother or SIL told me, they dont know why!
    Thanks Marcellus xx

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    it's so hard when we see people making such important decisions apparently based on blindly following the doctors advice. Everytime I hear a story like this I feel so sorry for the people who dont seem to know any better. We SHOULD be able to trust the professionals, it's so sad that we cant.

    I'm not saying THIER OB has given them the wrong info. I know nothing about it. I just worry that people so willingly put thier trust in these people, who seem to have thier own agenda and it's not always based on the best interests of the patients.

    Maybe you could point her in the direction of BB for a bit of enlightenment

    My other thought was that maybe she has done the research and thought it through but is tired of explaining it to people and being asked/ thinking about it 24/7? If 50 million people asked me the same question I think I'd be tired of answering it too.



    *crawls back into hole from whence she came*

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    Heather, no need to hide! Thats exactly how I feel.

    I have told her about BB, but TBH I dont think its "her type of thing" IYGWIM?

    I suppose im just different in wanting to know absolutely everything, if it was me (and its not) I know I would be fighting to have that baby in me for as long as it was healthy, and to be allowed a natural birth.
    I am also very pro BFing and SIL is very ambivalent about, saying she would "give it a go" but shes pretty sure its not her thing, Im hoping she will change her mind once the bub is born, but with I saac being born so early, I worry that its not gonna be a happening thing.
    I hope I dont sound like a controlling, interfering Biartch, Im really not that IN her face..(at least I hope not...)

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    You dont sound controlling and interferring to me. Just that you care about her and her baby! Nothing wrong with that.

    I know what you mean about BB not being her thing too. I have so many friends I wish would just give it a go lol. Drives me nuts that they wont.

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    Quote Originally Posted by STARRYSKY View Post
    Heather, no need to hide! Thats exactly how I feel.

    I have told her about BB, but TBH I dont think its "her type of thing" IYGWIM?

    I suppose im just different in wanting to know absolutely everything, if it was me (and its not) I know I would be fighting to have that baby in me for as long as it was healthy, and to be allowed a natural birth.
    I am also very pro BFing and SIL is very ambivalent about, saying she would "give it a go" but shes pretty sure its not her thing, Im hoping she will change her mind once the bub is born, but with I saac being born so early, I worry that its not gonna be a happening thing.
    I hope I dont sound like a controlling, interfering Biartch, Im really not that IN her face..(at least I hope not...)
    I was really pro bf but because of the problems I had with DD1 and trying to feed her, I would tell people that I'd give bf a go with DD2 but if it didn't work again I wasn't going to beat myself up about it. That didn't mean that I didn't want to bf my daughter, it just meant that I was prepared for all scenarios. Maybe she just doesn't want to get into a discussion about it. I know that if there was a problem with my pregnancy/baby I'd be freaking out and not really wanting to talk about all options and all the scary scenarios. That could be where they are at in their heads. And you don't sound controlling or interfering at all. You just sound passionate and informed. But that doesn't mean she isn't, she just might not want to talk about it, which often comes across as aloof.
    She's lucky that you care so much about her and her baby. I suggest being there for her, no matter what she decides and providing all the support she needs and asks for. You've let her know where you stand, so maybe wait until she brings up the subject before mentioning it again? I think you're a special person for caring so much.

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    Part of the problem is that we ALL have opinions, and we all think our opinion is the RIGHT opinion (otherwise we wouldn't have one )

    Whe is doing what she thinks is right. She may be informed. She may not. But unless she is actively soliciting advice from you, I don't think you should be giving it.

    I know you are doing it because you are concerned about her and your unborn neice/nefew, your heart is in the right place.

    But look at this from her point of veiw. She is in a scarey situation. She has been recommended by a health professional a course of action (and I know for a fact there are some fabulous obs out there, just as there are some really crappy midwives: you don't know this ob, or their reasons) - and she has chosen to go along with this course of action. Now here she is sharing her decision and all you are doing is criticising it.

    Although I am sure that critisim isn't your intent, that is what it is - overing unsolicitored (and might I suggest uninfomed, as you are not aware of her entire medical status, nor medically trained to deal with such) opinions and questioning her reasoning.

    You may be right. But you do not KNOW that. Even if you did, it is not your place to tell her what to do or what not to do.

    FWIW - I beleive alot of people rush into these decisions without full knowledge and comprehension of the realities of the decision they are making. The are too quick to proceed without getting a second opinion. BUT I also know that I am not qualified to give that second opinion, nor is it my place to question their decisions unless they ask.

  14. #14

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    She also might not have wanted to explain the entire thing to you iykwim? Sometimes it's hard to take in alot of the information, then pass it on to others anyway. It might have felt like she needed to justify herself? From what Beema says it sounds like a fairly reasonable thing, try and rest assured things will be ok.

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    I respect your opinion misty, thanks for that, but I see it as if one doesnt take the plunge and question peoples beliefs and ideas then where does it lead us? blindly foloowing what some "professional" says...I do understand what youre getting at, I am doing my best to not come across as judgemental to either of them (my bro and SIL) Iknow how scary it is, I had the same thing at 36 wks (measuring 42 wks) but there wasnt the worry about it (due probably to my advanced stage of pgncy) but I was still very scared and can only imagine what it would be like to be told at 24wks that your baby could be delivered any day...
    I do have the best intentions and I wouldnt dream of "telling" her what she should/nt do, I was just trying to understand why the baby was being delivered so early, Beema has thankfully cleared this up for me (thanks hun!) I just didnt think it sounded right as far as I knew everything was hunky dory now and the baby was fine etc..
    I love that I have BB to come too to vent/ask these questions, so I can get a good look at how I feel written in front of my face and see how others feel and what they have to say.
    Thanks everyone for your replies. xx

  16. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by STARRYSKY View Post
    I respect your opinion misty, thanks for that, but I see it as if one doesnt take the plunge and question peoples beliefs and ideas then where does it lead us? blindly foloowing what some "professional" says...I do understand what youre getting at, I am doing my best to not come across as judgemental to either of them (my bro and SIL) Iknow how scary it is, I had the same thing at 36 wks (measuring 42 wks) but there wasnt the worry about it (due probably to my advanced stage of pgncy) but I was still very scared and can only imagine what it would be like to be told at 24wks that your baby could be delivered any day...
    I do have the best intentions and I wouldnt dream of "telling" her what she should/nt do, I was just trying to understand why the baby was being delivered so early, Beema has thankfully cleared this up for me (thanks hun!) I just didnt think it sounded right as far as I knew everything was hunky dory now and the baby was fine etc..
    I love that I have BB to come too to vent/ask these questions, so I can get a good look at how I feel written in front of my face and see how others feel and what they have to say.
    Thanks everyone for your replies. xx
    I second everything Misty said and she said it much more tactfully than I would. I believe you're well out of order in your inferences about their ob when you know nothing about him/her, and also in regard to your inferences about their lack of knowledge/education. Just because they have a different approach does not necessarily make them ill informed or in need of your guidance.

    She clearly is experiencing worrying complications with this pregnancy, and I know if she was my wife, I'd be absolutely going to town if someone started down the road you've taken and the manner in which you've done it.

    I mean no offence, I'm just offering my opinion. I think it's good that you are evaluating your own opinions against your approach. It's their life, let them live it.
    Last edited by slyder; July 20th, 2010 at 06:59 PM.

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    slyder-

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    I agree with Misty and Slyder.

    My first birth was an OB led birth and with all due respect, I OPTED for an induction complete with every bit of intervention you could throw at me, including drugs......why? because at the time I had a medical issue and was under the advice to induce....was it the best option? in hindsight, probably not, but I can tell you now that I had a well meaning CLOSE friend who I deemed a "natural birth bully" criticize every piece of my plan because SHE felt it was wrong.......I wonder how she would have felt if I challenged my Dr and went against advice then my baby died.......

    I don't say this to be harsh, and I am not deeming you a natural birth bully, but in labour and birth there are 3 kinds of people (generally).....the ones that are well informed of all options and CHOOSE to have their birth medically managed for various reasons, the ones that are well informed of all options and CHOOSE to have their births unfold as nature would intend it and the ones that have no freaking idea but go with whatever they're told without challenge.

    At the end of the day birth is such a personal thing, who has the right to tell someone their choices are wrong because THEY feel it isn't the decision THEY would make?

    It's kinda like breastfeeding I guess. I didn't BF my son and am still going strong with my DD. My best friend stopped at 3 months because she felt her baby got too old for it......who am I to judge?

    I wish your SIL all the luck she deserves with the birth of precious Isaac......and you know what? You are a doll for being so concerned but be a doting Aunty once Isaac is here and try not to go hard at your SIL

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