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Thread: Who are you having in the delivery room?

  1. #1

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    Default Who are you having in the delivery room?

    I gave birth to my daughter in May 2006. It was just my DH and I in the delivery room along with the usual medical staff, and I loved it. But you wouldn't believe the grief it caused me making the decision to only have DH in there with me. My oldest sister chucked the biggest wobbly, saying she wanted to come in and that my DH would need someone. When I told her my wishes, she got all stroddy and her and her DH seemed to get offended and started saying stuff like "well we are obviously not welcome, so we won't go at all". She must have forgotten that she didn't want either me or my other sister in with her when she had her 2 kids(eww if she wanted me in there). I think my mum was a little dissapointed that I didn't want her in, but I think she at least respected my decision, as did my other sister.

    DH and I had decided that we would call my parents and his mum when we went into labour, and that we would keep them updated and let them know when I have given birth.



    But the all couldn't wait and were in the waiting room during my daughters birth, and straight after, about 5 minutes after giving birth they were all and I mean all, 2 kids as well, in with me in the delivery suite, and they didn't leave until the doctor came in to stitch me up. I later thought, that even that was a little too much.
    It's not a personal thing at all with any of them, I just don't want anyone other than DH seeing me in this way, I just think it is eeky and a little suffercating!!

    This time around we are definately not having anyone allowed into the delivery suite, other than my mum and dad after the birth, even this isn't certain, I think the rest can wait until I reached the ward this time. I just want it to be me and DH throught out the whole birth until we get to the ward and settle in. I don't want anyone getting upset with me this time, and I don't want them to feel hurt but I also don't want to be made to feel guilty again about the decision that DH and I have made.

    Sorry about the vent as my sister has already started on me about the birth to come, and I just needed to get my feelings off my chest, sorry about the long post too.

    Do any of you think I'm selfish or unreasonable about this?
    Last edited by Meluchja; February 18th, 2007 at 04:05 PM.

  2. #2

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    I don't think you are being selfish at all. I think its a very personal experience for a couple and that other people aren't needed. I have just had Dh all 3 times and never regretted it for a second. Stick to your guns, its your birth!

  3. #3

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    Mummy Mel I don't think you are being selfish at all. I am only having my DH and medical staff in with me, for the same reason as you, I don't want anyone else to see me like that. Also I think that it is a personal experience between myself and my DH. Lucky for me no one in my family thought that was unreasonable. My mum wants us to call her as soon as I go into labour but we have made the decision that we will only call her once we are in full on established labour, again, nothing personal towards my mum or anyone else, but this is an experience I've never been through and although I love my mum she has been a wee bit over the top recently and I don't think I could deal with that when I'm in labour. Also, I might say things I don't mean and I don't want her to be in that situation. She doesn't know this of course, that would cause amazing grief! It's ashame your sister acted the way she did but I think you have the right to birth however you want to.

  4. #4

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    This time (maybe it's my last?) I am having Dh, My Mum (she has been with me for my 2 previous births too) & my Aunt....

    My aunt has never seen a live birth as both her kids were c/section & then whisked away to ICU for 2 days before she was able to see them & prior to that she delivered 2 still born babies, neither of her kids are settling down & I know it means everything to her, it's a gift I am happy to share with her!

    I dont have a problem if everyone came, but I can block them out as I become very withfrawn & self centred in labour... But you do what you want!!!

  5. #5

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    Mel, I don't think you are being selfish at all hun! It is imperitive that you do what you feel comfortable with and to be honest, this time is even more important, cause you have you little girl to introduce to the new little man.

    With DS 1 I had just my DH, With DS 2 I had DH and a very close friend as I personally felt like I needed extra support, but there was no way known I was going to have family. I did not want to have to chose who, and then I couldn't be bothered dealing with the politics of it all.

    This time I am having DH and a professional Birth attendant. I will not be having loads of visitors on the first day either this time. Just my Ils as they will more than likely have the boys when I am in labour.

  6. #6

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    Thanks ladies, I'm glad I'm not the only person who feels this way, I was starting to think it was very selfish of me.
    Relle, having a birth attendant in with you I think is a great idea, at least you won't know them, it would be like having an extra mid wife. I might discuss this with DH and see if he would like someone this time to help him, but I was fine, just having him and the mid wife and the doc that came in time to time, but I'll see what he thinks. I just don't want anyone I know seeing me during labour, and I really just want it to be an experience between DH and myself. Thanks for your support.
    Tracey, I wish I could be like you, then my family would all be happy with me!!!
    Mrsmac and Rachael, thank you for your support and making me feel better.

  7. #7

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    Mel, I sort of know this one! LOL She is rather active on these forums!

    I am actually really looking forward to experiencing a birth with that sort of support, and as you know believe in the system enough to train myself. I wish I was in Brisvegas, then I could help you!

  8. #8

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    Relle, that would be cool!!

  9. #9

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    Hey Mel, have you looked at the Saying No to Unwanted Birth Support People article on the main BB site

  10. #10

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    Thanks Sarah, it's exactly how I feel, at least now I will try and word my wishes better, but honestly I don't think it will make a difference with my oldest sister, I just hope it will try and make my other sister and my mum feel a little better.
    Last edited by Meluchja; February 18th, 2007 at 04:08 PM.

  11. #11

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    I think too that sometimes when relatives, even though well meaning, can be the worst support people kwim? often they aren't prepared to be a true support person and just want to be there for the novelty value or don't realise what they are in for. I am not saying this is what your sister is like, but from the sound of it she is a pushy type of person and I think if you let her in you might start butting heads and that is the last thing you want.

    I don't think it is unreasonable at all to not want anyone there as it is a very special time between a couple and I have seen it when I have had my kids that when people have too many waiting at the hospital, that it can impede on the staff too. So I think that they really need to be respectful of your wishes on this one.

  12. #12

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    Mel, I'm sorry - nothing sucks more than having your family make you feel guilty. But you are only going to give birth to this baby once - it has to be the experience that you want it to be. So while it's uncomfortable with your sister and her DH (and your mum a bit) now, you know that eventually it should blow over and things will be ok again. But if you let them muscle in on this baby's birth you may end up resenting them forever and that's just not worth it. You've made the right decision, girl.

  13. #13

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    I know what you mean, with my first, it caused HUGE problems with my decision to have DH & I only, that I barely saw my mother for the second half of the third trimester and after she was born - it was vary rarely she came over and we still don't see each other much, so it's had long reaching effects for me, I really struggled to cope with my first as DH worked terribly long hours and no family came to see me.

    However, I wouldn't have done it differently, who knows I could have had a caesar or something due to being anxious and labour shutting down or slowing (which it had already done, I had to be augmented with a drip) so I think it's really important not to give in to people you will not feel comfortable with being there - your birth can go down a completely different path. Its also important the people who are with you have had the birth you are hoping for - often mums have had bad birth experiences, lots of intervention, caesareans - so they don't understand what it takes to get through. They will have the fear factor for you, sympathy etc when you need encouragement and affirmation.

    Hmmmmm... wonder who that frequent poster might be?!
    Kelly xx

    Creator of BellyBelly.com.au, doula, writer and mother of three amazing children

    BellyBelly Birth & Early Parenting Immersion - Find out how to have a BETTER, more confident birth experience... guaranteed!
    Want To Be A Doula? Everything You Need To Know

  14. #14

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    hmmm I do wonder Kelly!

  15. #15

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    I had my mum and dh with me for DS and then with DD my mum was al the hospital with ds and dh was with me my mum came in with ds right after dd was born.

    this time I have a friend who is begging me to be there, I just dont want her to be there though. I think its for the reason Kelly said, I dont feel all that comfortable with her in that sort of way so it will just make things happen differently as I wont be fully relaxed, she is so bloomin forcefull though I think I will have to offend her soon as she just does not get it,
    I will have either my DH or my mum with me this time as DH now works a job wehre he is away for 3 weeks then home for 10 days and then away again and so on so there is a chance he wont be able to be there, I hope he can though I really sont want him to miss out on such a special time we should share together.

    You are not being selfish at all I think its great they all want to be there for you but they need to understand your need to do this your way, it not up to anyone else who comes in its up to you and it makes me mad when people get angry about not being invited in cause really why should they unless you want them to its quite self explanitary realy dont you think LOL,

    any way good luck and yeah as someone else said 'stick to your guns'
    Last edited by *Elle*; February 18th, 2007 at 06:02 PM.

  16. #16

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    I'm definitely only having DH there. I don't even like having my photo taken - I get all shy and insecure, so I can only imagine what effect someone watching me during labour might have. It's not my original quote, but 'birth is not a spectator sport' lol.

    I know that people want to share your special moment, but it's not exactly like a wedding - it's more like what happens on the wedding night It's a private and intimate time that should only be shared with the people that you want to be there, because they are going to support you.

    Good luck sweets. You are allowed to be selfish at this time - it's important to put yourself and your baby FIRST, not other's people's feelings. People who insist on being there with you when you've clearly stated that you don't want them there are being far more selfish in my opinion.

  17. #17

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    Sherie, I think you hit the nail on the head. I think my sister has more alternative motives than to be there to support me. And we would definately butt heads, there might even be fists involved .
    Snacks, and I think your right, if I give in just so they don't have the ****s with me, I think there would be a good chance that I might resent them for a long long time.
    I think that this time around, we will just make sure we tell the mid wives on duty that we don't want anyone entering the delivery room, so we don't get put in that situation again.
    Thanks ladies for all your kind words.

  18. #18

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    I dont think its selfish to only want your partner in there with you. I plan to just have DH there with me, as I dont feel its something I need an audience for. Its not as if its a party and you have to invite everyone. Its a private thing. so yeah, I am also only having DH there, and the usual midiwves etc that have to be there.

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