I didn’t sleep at all that night. I seriously couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I thought the sickness and contractions would never end. I was in despair and a lot of pain. I didn’t think I could take anymore. I never thought I’d get through it. I kept feeling like I needed the toilet (sorry if TMI) but that is honestly how I felt. Luckily the toilet was exactly opposite my bed which proved to be a good thing. One minute I was on the toilet being sick and whimpering in pain and the next minute I was sitting in bed in agony. I tried walking round the room to see if that eased it in any way but it didn’t. I also tried lying down, on my back, on both of my sides, I tried sitting up, back, forward but nothing helped. The pain was so intense. One of the midwives offered me paracetamol but these were CONTRACTIONS for f**k’s sake did they really stupidly think paracetamol would work?????????? They made no difference. Later on I found out that at 11AM the next day I was 6CMs dilated, at 3CMs dilated you can have an epidural for pain relief so I think that if they had given me an internal examination during the night I mostly definitely would have been 3CMs dilated and they could have given me an epidural - most of this trauma I experienced was because of the pain, had I been given adequate pain relief at the time I really needed it instead of leaving me to labour myself like cows do(!!!!!) then I don’t think I would have had this severe Post Natal Depression and a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

All night I had people in and out so even if I had managed to sleep, I don’t know how they would have expected me to actually sleep when they were wiring me upto the monitor, taking it off me, taking my blood pressure, pulse and temperature etc. I ended up calling Paul at 1 AM in tears because I was in so much pain and wanted him to be with me for support and a cuddle etc but he wasn’t allowed. One of the midwives saw how uncomfortable I was and how much pain I was in so she gave me 2 paracetamol, 2 diclofenac and a codeine. None of them helped, not even a bit. I honestly didn’t feel any different. To be honest, I didn’t have any idea if they would help or not. I just took what the midwife offered me. I was just so scared I didn’t know what to do so I just took what was offered.