Paul came in looking like a doctor with them clothes things that they make the men wear (like a green sort of gown thing and a hat) – very fetching!! (I wished we’d got a picture of that!!!!) and I was hooked up to a drip of oxytocin which was to speed up my contractions, as if they needed speeding up!!! and also a saline drip which was to keep my hydrated. The curtain was put up before Paul came in and we were ready for action. Everyone was asking me all the time if I was ok and I said “yes thanks”. One of the men said “are you sure you’re ok?” and I said “yes why?” and he said “you just seem too calm and relaxed and you are very quiet”. I was very scared, that’s why I went very quiet, well i’m quiet anyway but I was frozen with fear. I didn’t say much either. I think the only things I did say was “yes thanks” when everyone kept asking me how I was.

One of the men said “I’ve seen some women in here in such a state, screaming, shouting and crying but you are the quietest person we’ve ever had in here isn’t she guys?” and they all said yes.

The doctor went through with me again what was going to happen. He said they were going to try twice with forceps so that’s what happened. After what seemed like forever where they got everything ready, they are stood round the bed and things were about to happen. My legs were put in the stirrups and it was really weird seeing them in them because I looked at them and thought “Are they mine? I can’t feel them. They can’t be” the spinal anaesthetic was brilliant as I couldn’t feel anything from the waist down, part of me worried that they would stay like that forever. I was holding Paul’s hand the whole time and I was very scared but a tiny bit excited. One of the women doctors was on my right hand side and she put her hands on my tummy and told me when to push. She said “now I want you to give me a big push” so that is exactly what I did. I pushed as hard as I could and for as long as I could. While I was pushing, all I could hear was “good girl, that’s it, as hard as you can, good girl, you’re doing really well”. The first time failed so we tried again, exactly the same as the first attempt. Paul was telling me all the time how much he loved me, how well I was doing and how proud he was of me. After the second failed forceps attempt, the doctor said to me “it’ll have to be a section” because Lennon wasn’t coming out and his heart rate dropped to a very alarming rate so he was in distress. He nearly died and so did I. I can remember seeing a very very vivid bright white light but something pulled me back. At that point I felt a whole load of emotions – scared, worried, helpless, nervous and absolutely terrified.