I never expected this. What would you do?

[Livinthedream]

You are taking an 18 month old boy to a wedding ceremony.
There is a pretty good chance you will be spending a portion of the ceremony outside with him running around on the grass with the other toddlers who are attending. (My experience, anyway)
Unless he is asleep and then feeding won't really be an issue.
I can understand that you are ****ed at her request and that's fair enough, but do you really want to make an issue of something that may well not eventuate?
Hope you get it sorted.

[Diamond75]

I can understand both sides of this.

The problem with "fb msgs / texting" is when we put in words our feelings they are open for misinterpretation. Pick up the phone and talk to her or even better get together for a chat.

There is no point stressing on this when it can be resolved with a phone call (even if that means you choose not to go).

[Three Graces]

If she's so worried about others' perceptions, then she's living her life in quite a restrained way. I know it's easier said than done, but maybe instead of going to hurt/annoyed/angry/offended, maybe decide that your way of living (i.e., feeling free to breastfeed in public and not care what others think) is a much better way of living. Think about it: she has gone to quite a length (and potentially strained her r/ship with you) just to avoid the potentially negative views of some of her relatives. Wow! She needs to start living her life how she wants to and not be so wrapped up about what others may or may not think. This will affect her when/if she has children and probably won't b/f herself, b/c of her family's views. It's her hang up, not yours. I wouldn't even enter into it, just attend and go with the flow, what happens, happens. She'll be too wrapped up in the whole day to notice when you breastfeed.

[kateo]

I think you are brave going to a wedding ceremony with an 18 mth old. If the timing was bad you will perhaps have a grumpy little person or an active little person or a hungry person to deal with........depends on the day and the time.
If it were me I would respect the request and say no more BUT I would sit in a far end of a pew in the middle of the church with my little one near the wall.
When he yells to have milk or more precisly starts to "unwrap" his mum as little ones often do, I would then stand up and carrying him wriggling and noisy outside I would then find a nice spot possibly under a tree or in a folding chair (which should be taken in and out of church) to feed.
As soon as he's done I would then return to the church and the seat and nurse a nice quiet little person for the rest of the ceremony............timed well this could be wonderful.
At the reception you could possibly wait until the speeches to try feeding with a shawl or just fail at that.........

You see you can be VERY compliant and still unsuccessful............I would suggest in reality that you have a quiet chat with your BIL's nervous bride and explain some reality to her.

[leesha]

I forgot about facebooks little seen message down the bottom ;( sorry I'm not much help then! I'm assuming because you bought a dress you can feed in then you don't have anyone to babysit Ds for a few hours? Usually between the ceremony and reception there is a break of a few hours for photos, can you feed him inbetween? Sorry I don't know how often he feeds etc.. But maybe it won't be an issue if you can feed him before the ceremony and then after just before the reception and he might be too busy running around and dancing that he won't want a feed when you think e would normally at home?? Just throwing around some ideas to make it less stressful for you!

[little_O]

TBH the issue I see here is that she even asked.

Do you normally feed in front of her? What would have promoted it? I know I hadn't even considered this time of situation with my wedding, actually any situations really. I general think the best of people and would assume everyone would be perfect that's why I'm close with them.

Was she rude for asking? Yes. Does she have the right to ask? Yes. Do you have the right to breastfeed? Yes!!! Do you have the right to refuse to attend? Yes. Should she apologize? Yes.

Thing is we all have rights, and the right to enforce those rights. But do we need to? What's the big picture to you?

[*EJ*]

I too wonder if there is something else behind the request...

[AndiE]

Just on it being a catholic wedding, don't let the fact it's catholic impact one iota on what you wear. Bare shoulders, short skirts. All pretty normal these days.
Good luck with doing what YOU want to do at the wedding.

[sepata]

Im not sure, but I think what instigated the request was that we had family photos taken on the weekend and in some of my photos ds was feeding, and in a couple of the big group photos he was feeding as well (because he got hurt, and she well knows that). I think that's prompted her to go 'I don't want breast feeding photos at my wedding' but that's something she should raise with the photographer and her delete button, not me.

DH has asked me to give him a week to speak with BIL. I said I want to sort it out between her and me, but he is insistent that he wants to speak to his brother. So I've grudgingly given him a week. The problem with a week is that the wedding is in three weeks, and I dont want to be having to sort this out two weeks prior because I think that's slightly disrespectful to her, as she'll be starting to stress probably. But oh we'll, DH can have his week to talk to BIL.

I know I most likely will miss most of the ceremony anyway with a wiggly 18mo, so I'm not too concerned. But if he does want to feed in the church I will feed him.

The only thing we've been told about dress is formal, nothing about lengths etc so we're just going with formal.

Now to be patient for a week lol

[Traveller]

Any response from your bil yet?

[Phteven]

The only thing we've been told about dress is formal, nothing about lengths etc so we're just going with formal.

Formal is evening dress ie long. But TBH I sometimes suspect that people don't have a clue about the difference between formal and semi-formal. We have to go to a wedding soon. It's formal but DH is just wearing a suit not white tie because I'm pretty sure that his brother and SIL to be wouldn't have a clue what proper formal is.

[MantaRay]

Does she have the right to ask? Yes

Actually she really doesn't. Not wanting photos of it is one thing, but it is against the law to ask a breastfeeding woman to move or cover up, anywhere where a baby is allowed to be. So really, she doesn't have the right to ask someone not to breastfeed at her wedding.

I hope you DH sorts it out quickly.

[LionsandBears]

Actually she really doesn't. Not wanting photos of it is one thing, but it is against the law to ask a breastfeeding woman to move or cover up, anywhere where a baby is allowed to be. So really, she doesn't have the right to ask someone not to breastfeed at her wedding.

I hope you DH sorts it out quickly.

Actually, it's not against the law for a member of the public to ask someone to not breast feed. It's against the law for service providers like restaurant owners. The laws are slightly different in each state.

However, whilst it may be lawful for someone to ask someone not to breast feed, it is also lawful to say no.

[Miss.B]

I would be asking myself, is she asking you not to breast feed in photos/church for herself or her family? It sounds like she is using her 'conservative' family as an excuse. I get the feeling that she really doesn't want you to b/f in the church or in the photos because she doesn't want you to do it, rather than to upset any of her family members. If she didn't have any issues with it, she would just pre warn HER family that you might b/f your child in the church, and tell them to deal with it, it's HER day, not theirs. Photos are different I think, she could definitely delete the ones she doesn't want. Just my opinion. Personally I would be very offended and not go to the wedding.

[Cherished]

Wow, just wow. You sound very reasonable and calm about the whole thing sepata. I hope your hubby sorts it out for you. I know that if it was me I wouldn't go even if she turns around and says that it's 'ok' now to feed your child. It's a bit tricky for her to change her mind now that you know how she really feels iykwim! I would feel extremely uncomfortable feeding my ds if I had been asked not to as I would know that I'm not really welcome there if I'm breastfeeding. My DS comes first and there is no chance I would be leaving the room or covering up, there would be no hope anyway as he is a toddler and has free access 24 hours a day so I couldn't stop him or hold him back without making a scene and everyone hearing "boobie, boobie, boobie" getting louder and louder with each second he is denied milk. It's also a horrible feeling to think that she is embarrassed or something by you and your parenting choices which at the end of the day have nothing to do with her. And I don't think she has the right to tell anyone what to do just because it's her special day... Is she going to tell all the smokers that they can't smoke, and all the alcoholics that they can only have one drink every hour, and all the sleezy men to only talk to one single girl, and all the loud mouth uncles to not even think about making a surprise speech? I mean where does it end? All of those sorts of things are worth getting her knickers in a knot about, not the natural act of breastfeeding. You invite your loved ones to your wedding to share your day, be comfortable and have a good time. If she doesn't like her guests or doesn't like her guests behaviours then she shouldn't invite them. Honestly I think it's incredibly rude.

[AngelPants]

I am another who wouldnt go, and I would outline why pretty clearly. I am bf in all the photos of me bar one at my sisters wedding. you can only tell in one photo and my sister sure as hell didn't/doesn't care.

[sepata]

Just an update, DH finally spoke with BIL and explained that the message was very rude. BIL said when they reread it they realised it was rude and apologised. DH said you can explains to an 18mo why he can't have milk now, and why he has to eat under a blanket. BIL said why don't you bring a bottle, H said when boobs are there the bottle is looked at in disgust. DH explained the option to not feeding in the church is walking out with a crying baby, which would be more disruptive. BIL agreed and said no one will be walking out lol. So it's all ok and everything is smoothed over

[misty]

Good to hear you've reached an amicable resolution.