Hi everyone,

My baby is almost 8 weeks old and I have been struggling with breastfeeding since my baby was born. I had gestational diabetes with this pregnancy and baby had low blood sugars, so he was admitted into special care nursery where he had to be given formula to stablize his sugars on day 1.

On the third day after birth, my milk came in but I dont think I experienced engorgement. I felt a surge in my breasts and they were sore. I had been diligently using a double pump to quicken the milk coming in as I was separated from my baby. He was whisked off within hours after his birth. I requested the midwives to feed him using a cup/spoon on the first day, they said they would try. They still gave him a bottle instead, he didnt take it very well so he was fed via a tube. Eventually I gave in to midwife's pressure to give him formula via bottle. I felt really guilty and gave in as she said my baby's sucking reflex wasnt good. I felt that I was doing a disfavor to my baby by not letting him suck on the bottle to improve his sucking.

When we came home DH bought a tin of formula. I did not disagree as I was also scared about my baby not having enough. However I continued to try to latch him on and use the pump diligently. I had sore nipples but they never bled like when I had my first child.

True enough, I never had enough to give my baby. The maximum I could pump out was 40ml. I have tried latching him on in hospital and back home. Till now I do not understand why it did not work. I have tried expressing 8 times a day. I have tried herbs and motillium. I am so educated this time I prepared myself in every way I could even before my baby was born. I have asked every single question I have needed to ask. I got a good double pump, nipple shields, bfg pillow, bfg cover, nursing wear etc. I so wanted this to work badly this round. I feel like a total failure. I feel like I have failed my two children for not been able to give them breast milk.

Yesterday I met this mum who came and said hello to me and my baby at the shopping centre. When we spoke about bfg, she told me, 'Oh I've got so much milk'. The way she was saying sounded really like bragging. TBH, I was happy for her but I felt kicked in my guts. I felt that this was the least I needed. I came back feeling worse than ever. I struggled very much with my first bfg experience due to ignorance. So, I really hope this round would work and was excited about breastfeeding again, but I am totally, thoroughly disappointed this round even after educating and preparing myself for it.

I have struggled for the past few weeks, deciding to quit and continuing. My heart is in two places. My heart doesnt want to quit but my body seems to have lost the battle. My baby doesnt work hard at my breasts at all as he is so used to the quick flow of the bottle. He used me only as a dummy. It is not his fault. I am caught in a losing battle. So, I think finally today, I have decided to let go. It is hard to let go but I know I need to make a decision not to torture myself anymore.

I hope to vent it out here and feel better because nobody knows how I am feeling deep down. I need to have a closure to this episode and move on.

I finally had my cup of coffee today as I have been withholding myself from one due to breastfeeding.

Thank you for reading and listening to my pain.