Hey farmgirl! Sorry I didn't see this thread earlier.

I was like you - immediately after my emergency c-section I "knew" it had been the "right" thing to do for me and my baby. But the more I thought about the birth I missed out on the more it began to hurt.

I highly recommend getting a copy of your pregnancy record, labour and birth notes from the hospital. You can do this under the freedom of information act. Re-reading them made me re-understand the situation I was in and forgive myself a bit more for what happened. Although I haven't yet spoken to anyone professional about the experience, I fully intend to now as I am 3 months pregnant and planning a VBAC this time around. I hope to speak to both my midwife for this pregnancy and a doula that I hope to hire and get some fresh perspective.

I am also reading Silent Knife at the moment and getting a key message out of it that I did what I did because of love for my baby and me wanting to protect it.

Unfortunately I don't know any more about whether you could speak to anyone, but I agree that you have to give it a go and to release from it will be best for you and your baby now and your next pregnancy.

Big hugs!