Hi Everyone

I will start out by saying that I have the most wonderful little son who is perfect in everyway, I am enjoying motherhood but I cannot stop thinking about the way the birth happened. I think this is the case for alot of Emergency CS mums so wanted to get some advice so I can move on!

I had a straight forward pregnancy with no issues, went into labour normally, my Ob broke the waters about 8 hours into it (there was some meconium) and after 10 hours of no pain relief and close contractions I had an epidural. Not long after this my baby went into distress as the heart rate dropped from about 140 down to 60. It was really horrible and scary.

The emergency c-section went well however possiblly due to the meconium or the distress of the labour he was in special care for the first few days

In my head I know that it was all for the best. He needed to be out asap and obviously monitored as his sugar levels were really low. My care was really good.

BUT....I cannot stop thinking about how (and I am quoting from another thread which sums it up perfectly) that he "was taken from my body and not birthed". I think it was just such a shock as I was never expecting c-section and also didn't get to share a room with him for about 4 days (being a first time mum I even thought I had to ask permission to see him when not for a feed!!!! )

I don't want to seem ungrateful as I have a perfect little boy but each day I think about it and not sure where to go from here. My DH doesn't really understand as all he sees is a healthy wife and perfect boy and I spoke to my GP who wasn't much help either, probably because I am really bad at explaining myself and came across as ungrateful.

I am not sure I need to see a counseller per-say but was just wondering how anyone else has gotten past this? I am not sure it was the actual c-section that bothers me, the lack of control or just that it was unexpected (I am a bit of a control freak...).

I do think because of the shock and that he was in special care it did stop me from bonding for a while. I think I was expecting to get the big rush of happy hormones and feel such an incredible bond after a natural birth - which didn't happen. Though every mum I have spoken to says they never got these hormones and was just glad that the pain stopped, so perhaps I was just chasing a rainbow?

Also playing on my mind is for bub #2, I am leaning towards an elective c-section because I know if I attempt a vbac and fail then I will be really messed up. Which is kinda an easy way out...

I really hope this makes sense, I would be happy to hear some advice on whether others had felt like this and how they got over it.

Thanks