Hi hummingbird,

Congratulations on the birth of your baby!
As the others have mentioned unfortunately coming to terms with a caesarean is a grieving process and debriefing, venting, asking questions here is a great tool and so is seeing someone like Rhea who maybe be able to help your look at your birth in a new light.

I have had 3 caesareans and unfortuntely I am now in the position where I will never get the oppertunity to give birth and I am struggling with that.

You don't need to appologise for feeling ungrateful or hide how you are feeling, your feelings are justified and you have the right to feel ripped off. Don't bottle it up, it will make it worse, share your feelings and thoughts with people who understand and who will not be judgemental. I found those type of people none existent in my everyday life but found the women here so , so wonderful and supportive, particularly on a really bad day.

For a long time truly felt that my births were a reflection of me as a mum... a failure....and for months after my second I was trying to find ways on how I could "make it up to my kids" for not birthing them, I truly felt I had let them down....but you know what, they love me anyway, they truly don't care how they were born. I had to remind myself that right now they need me to not be so hard on myself.

Don't dismiss a VBAC just yet. I had an elective c/section with my second for similar reason to why you have mentioned you may next time, and I have regretted that decision ever since. With my third I planned a VBA2C, with an enormous amount of support from bellybelly members, I got a great support team, I did reading, I empowered myself and although I ended up with a c/section due to Breech presentation at 39wks, I felt that at least I had been proactive about the whole thing.
So just give your self some time on that one, a VBAC is not for everyone but as long as YOU are happy with your decision that's what matters. With my third c/section because it was elective I got to do a few things that I hadn't before which I believed helped with my bonding - I was the first to touch him without gloves and he hadnt been cleaned so I touched a fresh gooey baby for the first time and it was great, my DP got to cut the cord. Although small things they were big to me.

Good luck with everything and take care
Enjoy your baby because before you know it you will have a 3year old running your house !!! and you will wonder were the hell all that time went.