Dissapointed after Emergency CS

[Hummingbird]

Hi Everyone

I will start out by saying that I have the most wonderful little son who is perfect in everyway, I am enjoying motherhood but I cannot stop thinking about the way the birth happened. I think this is the case for alot of Emergency CS mums so wanted to get some advice so I can move on!

I had a straight forward pregnancy with no issues, went into labour normally, my Ob broke the waters about 8 hours into it (there was some meconium) and after 10 hours of no pain relief and close contractions I had an epidural. Not long after this my baby went into distress as the heart rate dropped from about 140 down to 60. It was really horrible and scary.

The emergency c-section went well however possiblly due to the meconium or the distress of the labour he was in special care for the first few days

In my head I know that it was all for the best. He needed to be out asap and obviously monitored as his sugar levels were really low. My care was really good.

BUT....I cannot stop thinking about how (and I am quoting from another thread which sums it up perfectly) that he "was taken from my body and not birthed". I think it was just such a shock as I was never expecting c-section and also didn't get to share a room with him for about 4 days (being a first time mum I even thought I had to ask permission to see him when not for a feed!!!! )

I don't want to seem ungrateful as I have a perfect little boy but each day I think about it and not sure where to go from here. My DH doesn't really understand as all he sees is a healthy wife and perfect boy and I spoke to my GP who wasn't much help either, probably because I am really bad at explaining myself and came across as ungrateful.

I am not sure I need to see a counseller per-say but was just wondering how anyone else has gotten past this? I am not sure it was the actual c-section that bothers me, the lack of control or just that it was unexpected (I am a bit of a control freak...).

I do think because of the shock and that he was in special care it did stop me from bonding for a while. I think I was expecting to get the big rush of happy hormones and feel such an incredible bond after a natural birth - which didn't happen. Though every mum I have spoken to says they never got these hormones and was just glad that the pain stopped, so perhaps I was just chasing a rainbow?

Also playing on my mind is for bub #2, I am leaning towards an elective c-section because I know if I attempt a vbac and fail then I will be really messed up. Which is kinda an easy way out...

I really hope this makes sense, I would be happy to hear some advice on whether others had felt like this and how they got over it.

Thanks

[boobaloo]

i understand your disappointment, i really do.
maybe you do need to speak to a professional about letting these feelings go?
hope you feel better about it all soon xoxo

[STARRYSKY]

Hi Hummingbird, Congratulations on the birth of your little man!

I just want to say that what you are feeling is in no way abnormal, I went through my own kind of hell after having my DS by c/s. Honestly I felt like no one in my Real life understood how I felt and what I was going through, if not for BB I hate to think where I would be (head wise) now.
I did what you have done and started a thread, I read through a lot of the other members own experiences, I feel that really helped, just to know I wasnt alone in feeling the way I did. Also getting it out on here, being able to vent about it knowing they would understand and not judge me or think me ungrateful.
So please, share how you feel, there are quite a few memebrs here who know exactly what you are feeling and going through.
To be honest, sometimes I still get rather emotional and still feel "ripped off" in a way, like I missed out on something that "should" have happened, but its no where near as strong or as gut wrenching as it was.
Big hugs hun, I can only imagine how hard it would have been havng your DS in another room for 4 days. xxx

[beckoes]

firstly congratulation on you beautiful little man!!!! and well done for your labour and going through an emergency c-section, that must have been really scary!
im sorry you didnt get to have that skin to skin bonding with him in the early days but im sure you made up for since then!! i think alot of people have problems after experiences like yours and i hope you get some good advice from someone who has been in your shoes. and are able to get your head around it and even go on to atempt a vbac!! hugs to you

[Trillian]

I'm so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way Speaking to a counsellor, or even a midwife may help you talk about the way you are feeling, because it is certainly very valid to feel the way you do - you were expecting a completely different outcome and while you can reconcile that it was for the best and he's here safely and in part, that is all that matters - it certainly doesn't mean that you have to be 100% happy or satisfied with that kwim?

[Lenny]

Yes, you have a beautiful baby boy and it's wonderful - congratulations. Saying that you are disappointed about the 'birth' does not make you ungrateful! You just wanted to have a different birth experience.
I am not sure if your hospital offer a birth debrief service, but i believe that PANDA do. I think there are many women who struggle after a c/s. I am still unable to say my DS2 was 'born', so I know what you mean. (we had ours at nearly the same time ) My DH wants me to seek professional help, but i have not been courageous enough to take that step yet.
As for what to do next time - I think you shouldn't worry just yet. I think that if you prepare yourself well, then if you plan a vbac, and eventually need a c/s - you will not be messed up, because you can already work through some of those feelings before hand.
Good on you for admitting how you feel, and speaking about it. I hope you can process your feelings and get some resolution.
I haven't helped much, but i wanted to let you know that you are not alone.
Jo

[August]

Hi Hummingbird,
I can relate to a couple of things you are feeling, firstly the quote. I remember it being weird saying 'giving birth' in the first few day. I would falter, because the first thing I'd go to say was 'when they took him out of me', like I really didn't have much to do with it. But you know what, I conceived him, I carried him throughout the pregnancy, and ultimatly I did give birth to him. For me that feeling really did not last too long, although it is strange to have a baby and not have had one contraction! (in a very quick nutshell, my DS had gastroschisis, was due to be induced @ 37 weeks but he was born via emergency c/s 5 days prior due to to reduced fetal movements and polyhydrosis). The second thing that I can relate to is the time spent apart in the first days due to bub being in NICU. Although I was expecting this, this was probably one of the hardest parts in hindsight. You said that you are unsure if it was the c-section, the lack of control or just that it was unexpected that is bothering you, but perhaps it is the time you had to spend apart when he was in NICU that is contributing to how you are feeling today?

[Persephone1]

Hi Hummingbird,

I didn't have a c-section but my birth had some similarities to yours - you can read my Birth Story if you like, it's linked in my signature. I didn't see my son born, and was pretty out of it at the time of his birth, and then he spent some time in NICU as well (meconium, dropped heartrate, etc). I was really traumatised by the birth and have had some counseling to debrief it. I think it's important that you do debrief it and process it so that you can reconcile yourself to what happened. I'm still sad about some parts of the birth, but I'm finding that the sadness is not taking up all my thoughts so much as each day goes by.

Feel free to debrief in here as well. Plenty of women will have had similar experiences and can relate to how you're feeling.

There are counsellors who specialise in birth trauma and debriefing - if you're in Melbourne, I recommend Rhea Dempsey. If not, perhaps google birth debriefing and see what comes up.

Good luck.

[mykids]

Hi hummingbird,

Congratulations on the birth of your baby!
As the others have mentioned unfortunately coming to terms with a caesarean is a grieving process and debriefing, venting, asking questions here is a great tool and so is seeing someone like Rhea who maybe be able to help your look at your birth in a new light.

I have had 3 caesareans and unfortuntely I am now in the position where I will never get the oppertunity to give birth and I am struggling with that.

You don't need to appologise for feeling ungrateful or hide how you are feeling, your feelings are justified and you have the right to feel ripped off. Don't bottle it up, it will make it worse, share your feelings and thoughts with people who understand and who will not be judgemental. I found those type of people none existent in my everyday life but found the women here so , so wonderful and supportive, particularly on a really bad day.

For a long time truly felt that my births were a reflection of me as a mum... a failure....and for months after my second I was trying to find ways on how I could "make it up to my kids" for not birthing them, I truly felt I had let them down....but you know what, they love me anyway, they truly don't care how they were born. I had to remind myself that right now they need me to not be so hard on myself.

Don't dismiss a VBAC just yet. I had an elective c/section with my second for similar reason to why you have mentioned you may next time, and I have regretted that decision ever since. With my third I planned a VBA2C, with an enormous amount of support from bellybelly members, I got a great support team, I did reading, I empowered myself and although I ended up with a c/section due to Breech presentation at 39wks, I felt that at least I had been proactive about the whole thing.
So just give your self some time on that one, a VBAC is not for everyone but as long as YOU are happy with your decision that's what matters. With my third c/section because it was elective I got to do a few things that I hadn't before which I believed helped with my bonding - I was the first to touch him without gloves and he hadnt been cleaned so I touched a fresh gooey baby for the first time and it was great, my DP got to cut the cord. Although small things they were big to me.

Good luck with everything and take care
Enjoy your baby because before you know it you will have a 3year old running your house !!! and you will wonder were the hell all that time went.

[Hummingbird]

Thanks everyone for your advice, I think I was having a really bad day but have been doing more reading of some other threads and these have helped too.
XX