Feeling conflicted, guilty and undecided about how to birth baby #2

[peanutter]

TFB: depending on your Birthing B****, that might be part of the brief. The one and only time I was given that role to play, keeping the estranged father OUT was part of my job. To be clear - I was to get him out if and when he hampered the process, upset the birthing mother, or started being a jackass in general. All of which he did. So I kicked him out, after confirming that's what she wanted. And then I enlisted the assistance of the midwives to keep him out, so I could concentrate on her. My DH was also there (not in the room - in the waiting area outside the room) to keep out random friends and family who thought the birthing process was some sort of reality TV program to be viewed and critiqued.

Now, your DH/DPs are probably not 19 year old asshats who decide that they need to be high as a kite and on the phone screaming at their mother for being interstate while you're trying to give birth, but being at the birth is a privilege not a right, and THEIR priority should be keeping you calm and happy and in the best of care. If that involves them being ejected from the room, then so be it.

The bloke being in attendance at the birth is still a reasonably recent phenomenon in Oz, and still isn't universal. I think there's still a time and a place for him to be elsewhere, when it's in the mother (and therefore the baby's) best interests ... they can bond when they're out.





Aside from all of that, and back onto your initial question, have you had any time to journal about it? Write a journal entry, or a letter to your bubba, about your hopes and fears about their birth ... sometimes writing it all out helps us figure out what we're thinking ...

[Lolpigs]

Blondie, don't let anyone make you feel badly about wanting to avoid trauma. I got the same thing with my first birth. I really wanted a natural birth, who dosent? and it wasn't to be, my baby didn't engage and after 41 weeks with blood pressure starting to soar my options were induce which my OB said had a pretty good chance of ended in emergency C.s due to my baby not being engaged and they weren't sure why or C/S.

I chose and elective C/S, I was devastated at first, however know myself, and could not handle 30 hours or whatever of labor and end up with the distress of an emergency C/S. In the end it was the right choice for me and my baby as the cord was wrapped around her neck twice and very short, so short she couldn't engage, so it pretty much confirmed that my OB was right, we would have been an emergency with possibly distressed or dead baby or dead me. Without modern science we probably would have both died, as she never would have been able to get out. Ugh.

I still get people give me looks, like I copped out or took an easy option, my recovery was straight forwards but was by no means easy. If I has to go through a failed VB I don't know that I would have been able to cope at all if I'm honest. I think I would have shut down from the trauma. BF failed, I suffered from anxiety and depression afterwards because of this, and the unrealistic expectations I placed on myself. (I thought if it had to have C/S BF would damn well work! well it didn't) And I had a severe reflux baby. Hey I did get to use cloth nappies like I wanted. Life sometimes has a funny way of giving you what you need rather than what you want. The C/S was no party I was numb almost up to my chin, exhausted but I got to hold my baby all the way through, she slept on me in recovery and BF once we ere back in our room. I too have issues with midwives as they didn't help but hindered me and made me feel like everything I did was wrong constantly.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you had massive trauma last time, I see no reason to go through that again. I would discuss what happened last time with a trusted OB/GP , get them your notes from last time from the hospital and discuss the risks/ pros/cons and make your decision from there. This is what we did. I know myself and my body was so glad we made that choice as I got a happy and healthy baby and I survived too.

This time around, I'm going to try for a VBAC, but if the same thing happens again I will choose elective C/S again. I will not hesitate. For me while recovery from C/S was hard, recovering from a failed VB and Trauma from that I would not be able to cope with at all. You need to do what is good not just for your physically I think, but mentally and emotionally as well. I found the failure of BF harder than the decision to C/S. This caused me lots of heartache and tears. How the baby comes out, isn't the definition of you as a woman. Sun roof is a fine option if needed.

Take care, and ignore those people that are not supportive of you. No-one other than you and your husband make this decisions.

xx

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Aside from all of that, and back onto your initial question, have you had any time to journal about it? Write a journal entry, or a letter to your bubba, about your hopes and fears about their birth ... sometimes writing it all out helps us figure out what we're thinking ...

Here: https://www.bellybelly.com.au/forums...about-Liebling

I also met with a hospital midwife in my home when Liebs was 2.5 and I'd left it too late to put in a complaint, but she did agree that I had not been treated well and many things happened that shouldn't have. And the midwives had documented that I didn't want drugs and they'd kept offering them, that the monitoring showed X but the midwives ignored it to do Y and so on and so forth - the arrogance that they document their failings and don't expect to be called up on it - and they weren't because I couldn't bring myself to complain within the year.


Have you debriefed fully, Blondie? For me it was also being denied - denied my right to be treated as a human, denied my wish labour as I wished when there was no problem, denied my right not to be bullied... sounds like other people telling you what you want instead of listening to you, you had similar denials.

[Blondie]

Thanks for your support everyone

I am pretty much certain now that I will be taking the C/S option. I wrote down the pro's and con's of both options and I realised the only things that were making me think twice about C/S was the lack of support from people and also the mother / baby attachment issues that may arise from being separated momentairly from bub. I was paranoid that baby wouldn't know who I was and therefore would have issues latching, sucking etc, but then I remembered that I was rushed off to theater with DS anyway and didn't get to see him for an hour at least....apart from the first cuddle straight after delivery. So, in order to help with the issues I have decided to not tell people about how I am going to birth, I will just say "we'll see how we go" and to sort out my other fear of mother / baby attachment I have a good friend who is a Midwife who I am going to ask to be a support person and to help me establish breastfeeding.

I have also read up on exactly what will happen to me before, during and after C/S and I do feel like I am more prepared and more knowledgable about my decision....now I feel like I am going in to this experience with my eyes open and not closed.

[Three Graces]

Glad you're feeling more positive about your decision. If you go elect you should have a midwife assigned to you and have bubs in recovery with you for that first feed.
Wishing you all the best for a much better birth experience!

[Rach83]

I am also having a cs this time purely by choice - not made lightly but it's what I've chosen.
I've stopped telling people I'm having an elective because it's 1) none of their business and 2) I'm sick of the looks, judgement and feeling I need to explain my decision.

You know what is best for you and your baby. Other mothers should be on your side and understanding but unfortunately we spend more time judging than supporting usually.

All the best!

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I know people who have told people they're having electives and they have nothing but support - maybe it's just down to who your friends are? Having said that, many would not support my planned freebirth, so I suppose it's down to the life choices of your friends what they support. But they won't be told until after the event. (Just to say for modern "treatment" - had I birthed 100 years ago I wouldn't have the physical and mental damage, so to me it's all swings and roundabouts. I'm pleased that women don't die in childbirth as much, but at what cost?)

It is your body and your baby. You need to minimise the damage that will be done to you in birthing your first child and if that means an elective then you do that. No-one has the right to judge you for that. Hugs to you and I am cross you are facing this from "friends".

[Blondie]

FionaS - thanks so much for sharing....I would have gone C/S for sure! And I can imagine 6 weeks of discomfort would have been easier than months and years of rehabilitation.
I was the same, my tear took ages and ages to heal and everything suffered because of it....IYKWIM

Thanks everyone for sharing your stories and wisdom....hearing that other's have had similar experiences with friends and judgement makes me sad. Maybe it's just me but I would never comment on how someone chooses to birth it's such an individual thing!

I have also talked it over with DH and there is so much to consider. DS's birth really effected him too. He was a wonderful supportive husband but the whole ordeal with exhausting and upsetting for him and I also have him to consider in this equation.

[MumtoA]

Hi blondie,

You already have plentyof stories here and the support I agree has been amazing! I am 8 weeks off having my first elective csection. When I had my dd 2 years ago I sustained a 4th degree tear. A csection has always been recommended but at the end of the Day it has ultimately been mine and dh decision to have the csection. My recovery from the tear is fine now and I have no long term issues that I am aware of. The actual recovery was difficult and i have watched my friends recover better and quicker from emergency csections than I did after my vaginal birth with dd. at the end of the day I had to ask myself how I would look after dd and a new born if I tore worse this time round and emotionally (and physically to some extent) I don't feel like I could. I have to remind myself everyday that this is why I have made the decision I have for the csection. I have spoken to lots of people that I trust, my ob, GP and physio and ultimately feel I have made the right decision (I guess you will never truly know). In addition, after I had dd I was taken off the surgery and not able to get out of bed etc etc. emotionally I foundit really difficult and now I feel like at least i will some of what to expect prior to going in at least.

At the end of the day it's your decision and yes 'the look' is always an interesting one! I now proudly tell people that I am having an elective csection cos I believe at the end of the day how baby comes out does not reflect on how good of a mum I am!

Good luck with your pregnancy and congrats!!!

[Blondie]

MumtoA - thanks for sharing your story. Yikes! 4th degree would have been very uncomfortable. You know how you said that you were taken off to surgery straight away that was the same for me. I remember DH cutting the cord and then me holding DS, I don't really remember much only that I had a few minutes with him and then they realised I tore and whisked me off to surgery. I didn't see him then for ages. Not until I was in recovery...even then I had the shakes so bad that I couldn't hold him I was exhausted for days afterwards and DS & DH were tired too, so I like you can't help but think that it would have been easier to have a csection. I will be taking these things into account when making my decision for this baby.

Best of luck with your birth! Keep me in the loop on how you found it

[chody47]

If the only reason you're doubting yourself is other peoples opinions, then I'd say go straight for the CS. If there are other reasons then perhaps start a pro/con list for each type of birth and then you can add/modify it as your pregnancy progresses and hopefully this will help you come to a decision.

[luna moth]

Listening to your healthcare providers is just one side of the story. You need to find healthcare providers that will listen to YOU. Find someone who you can talk this through with - in Brissy you can get along to Birthtalk's Healing From Birth nights (if you haven't already) and I think you'll find there a great opportunity to talk this out, and work out what you really want.
Don't let this choice belong to anyone but your family.

[Blondie]

Thanks Chody might be a good idea.

Audax - are the people that run these courses midwives? Sounds silly but I was really let down by my midwives in birth so I have some trust issues there, part of the reason I am not going back to the midwifery group practice. Maybe if I do go to a session I could work some of these issues out?

[luna moth]

Audax - are the people that run these courses midwives? Sounds silly but I was really let down by my midwives in birth so I have some trust issues there, part of the reason I am not going back to the midwifery group practice. Maybe if I do go to a session I could work some of these issues out?

One is a doula. Not sure about the other, but they're independent of the hospital system. They have a really popular blog, and their FB page is great too.

[HotI]

Audax - are the people that run these courses midwives? Sounds silly but I was really let down by my midwives in birth so I have some trust issues there, part of the reason I am not going back to the midwifery group practice. Maybe if I do go to a session I could work some of these issues out?

Blondie, i too was let down by hospital 'midwives'. I have met some amazing women working as independent midwives who really are 'with women', and totally diferent to any of the women i encountered in hospital. I have heard good things about Birthtalk. Have a look at their website, and see if it appeals. birthtalk dot org.

[MelissaG]

I had my third daughter by emergency c-section on 11/13/12. She was due on the 6th and on the 11th, I was induced. For a day I was only dilated 2 cm. When I was finally dilated to 10 cm, the doctor checked me to see if I could start pushing. He discovered that my daughter's face was on my cervix and was in a position where an emergency c-section was needed. I had really wanted to have her vaginally but after 45 hours of labor, I ended up being ok with having the c-section.

My other two daughters had been born vaginally. My first was the less dramatic birth experience. My second was definitely not what I had expected. The birth itself wasn't what made me want to not have anymore kids. It was what had happened to my daughter right before she was born. I won't share what happened to her unless you would like me to.

I didn't read all of the replies but it sounds like you have a great doctor and I hope your birth experience is a happy one.

[Rach83]

You are right The Flying Butter.
I don't think it's just caesars.
It's homebirthing, water birthing, deciding to take drugs etc etc the list goes on for miles.

[Rouge]

The thing is its about choice. A woman who chooses her birth is empowered. And no one should make them feel bad for that decision whether you have a cs or a vbac. But let me tell you no matter what birth you want you still worry. So try and forget everyone else and do what's best for you.