Feeling conflicted, guilty and undecided about how to birth baby #2

[Rach83]

I am also having a cs this time purely by choice - not made lightly but it's what I've chosen.
I've stopped telling people I'm having an elective because it's 1) none of their business and 2) I'm sick of the looks, judgement and feeling I need to explain my decision.

You know what is best for you and your baby. Other mothers should be on your side and understanding but unfortunately we spend more time judging than supporting usually.

All the best!

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I know people who have told people they're having electives and they have nothing but support - maybe it's just down to who your friends are? Having said that, many would not support my planned freebirth, so I suppose it's down to the life choices of your friends what they support. But they won't be told until after the event. (Just to say for modern "treatment" - had I birthed 100 years ago I wouldn't have the physical and mental damage, so to me it's all swings and roundabouts. I'm pleased that women don't die in childbirth as much, but at what cost?)

It is your body and your baby. You need to minimise the damage that will be done to you in birthing your first child and if that means an elective then you do that. No-one has the right to judge you for that. Hugs to you and I am cross you are facing this from "friends".

[Blondie]

FionaS - thanks so much for sharing....I would have gone C/S for sure! And I can imagine 6 weeks of discomfort would have been easier than months and years of rehabilitation.
I was the same, my tear took ages and ages to heal and everything suffered because of it....IYKWIM

Thanks everyone for sharing your stories and wisdom....hearing that other's have had similar experiences with friends and judgement makes me sad. Maybe it's just me but I would never comment on how someone chooses to birth it's such an individual thing!

I have also talked it over with DH and there is so much to consider. DS's birth really effected him too. He was a wonderful supportive husband but the whole ordeal with exhausting and upsetting for him and I also have him to consider in this equation.

[MumtoA]

Hi blondie,

You already have plentyof stories here and the support I agree has been amazing! I am 8 weeks off having my first elective csection. When I had my dd 2 years ago I sustained a 4th degree tear. A csection has always been recommended but at the end of the Day it has ultimately been mine and dh decision to have the csection. My recovery from the tear is fine now and I have no long term issues that I am aware of. The actual recovery was difficult and i have watched my friends recover better and quicker from emergency csections than I did after my vaginal birth with dd. at the end of the day I had to ask myself how I would look after dd and a new born if I tore worse this time round and emotionally (and physically to some extent) I don't feel like I could. I have to remind myself everyday that this is why I have made the decision I have for the csection. I have spoken to lots of people that I trust, my ob, GP and physio and ultimately feel I have made the right decision (I guess you will never truly know). In addition, after I had dd I was taken off the surgery and not able to get out of bed etc etc. emotionally I foundit really difficult and now I feel like at least i will some of what to expect prior to going in at least.

At the end of the day it's your decision and yes 'the look' is always an interesting one! I now proudly tell people that I am having an elective csection cos I believe at the end of the day how baby comes out does not reflect on how good of a mum I am!

Good luck with your pregnancy and congrats!!!

[Blondie]

MumtoA - thanks for sharing your story. Yikes! 4th degree would have been very uncomfortable. You know how you said that you were taken off to surgery straight away that was the same for me. I remember DH cutting the cord and then me holding DS, I don't really remember much only that I had a few minutes with him and then they realised I tore and whisked me off to surgery. I didn't see him then for ages. Not until I was in recovery...even then I had the shakes so bad that I couldn't hold him I was exhausted for days afterwards and DS & DH were tired too, so I like you can't help but think that it would have been easier to have a csection. I will be taking these things into account when making my decision for this baby.

Best of luck with your birth! Keep me in the loop on how you found it

[chody47]

If the only reason you're doubting yourself is other peoples opinions, then I'd say go straight for the CS. If there are other reasons then perhaps start a pro/con list for each type of birth and then you can add/modify it as your pregnancy progresses and hopefully this will help you come to a decision.

[luna moth]

Listening to your healthcare providers is just one side of the story. You need to find healthcare providers that will listen to YOU. Find someone who you can talk this through with - in Brissy you can get along to Birthtalk's Healing From Birth nights (if you haven't already) and I think you'll find there a great opportunity to talk this out, and work out what you really want.
Don't let this choice belong to anyone but your family.

[Blondie]

Thanks Chody might be a good idea.

Audax - are the people that run these courses midwives? Sounds silly but I was really let down by my midwives in birth so I have some trust issues there, part of the reason I am not going back to the midwifery group practice. Maybe if I do go to a session I could work some of these issues out?

[luna moth]

Audax - are the people that run these courses midwives? Sounds silly but I was really let down by my midwives in birth so I have some trust issues there, part of the reason I am not going back to the midwifery group practice. Maybe if I do go to a session I could work some of these issues out?

One is a doula. Not sure about the other, but they're independent of the hospital system. They have a really popular blog, and their FB page is great too.

[onthefly]

You're not alone there, Blondie. Some mums come out of it intact, some do not. Demand better for yourself and your baby

[HotI]

Audax - are the people that run these courses midwives? Sounds silly but I was really let down by my midwives in birth so I have some trust issues there, part of the reason I am not going back to the midwifery group practice. Maybe if I do go to a session I could work some of these issues out?

Blondie, i too was let down by hospital 'midwives'. I have met some amazing women working as independent midwives who really are 'with women', and totally diferent to any of the women i encountered in hospital. I have heard good things about Birthtalk. Have a look at their website, and see if it appeals. birthtalk dot org.

[Blondie]

Hi Ladies,

I actually had a really great night last night. I went to bed feeling excited about having my second and all your help has definetly empowered me to make my own decision this time around. For the first time since I fell pregnant I feel like I do have a say in what happens to me and bub....

I have recieved such great support from all of you and I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. With all your help, advice and suppotive words it's helped me to realise that no one has the right to tell me how to birth my baby, and at the end of the day it's the decision for me & DH to make for us and for our family. I am also detirmined not to go into this birth scared or unsure of myself and my abilities. I am going to surround myself with supportive people and the others can get stuffed!

This thread has been an absolute lifesaver. I can't thank you all enough

Hoti - I will be sure to check out the website

Audaux - thanks for the clarification. I have just learn't what a doula is thanks to Boomba I hadn't heard of them prior to this thread. They sound like the perfect mix don't they? Supportive and knowledgable!

MadB - thank you lovely. I think demand is a good word....there is no use is in "asking" or "wishing" for something to go my way. I have to stand up and be heard!

Blessed at last - Thanks darl

Peanutter - I'm glad that you were at peace with your decision, for some it's an easy decision but I think I will be like you, needing to explore every avenue before I am comfortbale and at peace with what will happen Your very wise my friend.

[RhiChiChi]

I am so happy that you feel so supported and more at ease at making a decision for you & your family. Whatever the decision you make, again best of luck and KUP x

[MelissaG]

I had my third daughter by emergency c-section on 11/13/12. She was due on the 6th and on the 11th, I was induced. For a day I was only dilated 2 cm. When I was finally dilated to 10 cm, the doctor checked me to see if I could start pushing. He discovered that my daughter's face was on my cervix and was in a position where an emergency c-section was needed. I had really wanted to have her vaginally but after 45 hours of labor, I ended up being ok with having the c-section.

My other two daughters had been born vaginally. My first was the less dramatic birth experience. My second was definitely not what I had expected. The birth itself wasn't what made me want to not have anymore kids. It was what had happened to my daughter right before she was born. I won't share what happened to her unless you would like me to.

I didn't read all of the replies but it sounds like you have a great doctor and I hope your birth experience is a happy one.