In praise of the C-Section

[BellyBelly]

Some good points Kaz. I think people are their own entities and to think that they're all going to take in what they hear and berate themselves for it or take it on and then look for someone to blame, is more a reflection of who they are and where they are in their journey of life, which is never ending. It's apparent when I post things and get an array of responses from people who have had differing births - some feel empowered and motivated by what I post (even if they've had that kind of birth), some feel attacked or guilt from what I post. Some take it away, mull it over and come to peace. Often it's not even my own words - I have posted information about extreme situations I don't agree with and some info that I do - with the purpose of discussion. I think we can all grow from this - isn't that what life is about? Rather than let our inner child out by having a 'temper tantrum', we can hold onto ourselves and experience some real, life-changing growth. Because to think that I post things just to **** off people who have had a c/s, is just not true. I never see an article and think, 'Pwaaah what a good one, that'll upset the c/s people!!' It's just not true - I think that will be a great article to discuss and dissect with the members. But we bring our own experiences into it which is when it can all go downhill.

I think it's important we go through these phases of growth, observing how we're feeling inside, the thoughts that pop up automatically then realising what we do with them. We react the way we do because of our thoughts, beliefs and experiences (and yes our childhood and how we felt growing up), and if we're feeling something negative, then we have the opportunity to learn something and grow. It is a very liberating process, but some of us wont be in that point of our lives where we're ready or able to feel some discomfort in exchange for this growth - because thats what it commands. However some are very ready, even if they don't know it, to end their 'suffering'.

Below is a description of differentiation as coined by David Schnarch, I posted it in a couple of other places but it's very relevant in this situation. It's mentioning intimate relationships, but as he says can be applied to any relationship with anyone at all, most importantly, the most intimate relationship you'll ever have - yourself. It's also interesting to note that whatever level of differentiation our parents had, we'll never have better - we take theirs on. But we do have the opportunity to break the cycle and improve that for our own children, and ourselves, because we're the ones that have to live with us! Makes sense to enjoy the experience as much as possible.

Differentiation

David Schnarch, Ph.D., the author of Passionate Marriage, suggests that in order to grow within an emotionally committed relationship, we must experience the process of “differentiation.” This means holding onto yourself within a relationship, staying true to what you want out of life while sharing your life with a partner. Differentiation allows us to break free from the negative processes that happen between partners in any relationship. It allows us to take a time out from arguments in order to comfort ourselves. It leads to self-control, which means that we can stop trying to control our partners. The differentiated partner is able to soothe him- or herself rather than pressuring the other person to change in order to make the first one feel better. Paradoxically, when partners differentiate, they actually have the ability to achieve more intimacy, while undifferentiated partners can stay locked in their emotional standoff. And when one partner differentiates, it upsets the old equilibrium that had developed so that the other partner is prompted to make changes as well. In short, a healthy relationship is one in which two people, each of whom has a firm sense of self, come together and celebrate both their differences and their similarities.

Schnarch identifies several activities that happen when a person differentiates.

* Maintaining a clear sense of who you are within the relationship. Your partner was probably originally attracted to you because of the strength of your unique qualities. Both of you knew what you valued and believed in. Over time, because we accommodate ourselves to both our own and our partner’s more immature qualities and unresolved issues, we lose our sense of uniqueness. We compromise ourselves with the goal of smoothing out conflicts and fail to realize that we are losing our sense of self in the process. We may find that we have lost those qualities that were once so attractive to our partner. Differentiation involves looking within, gaining a firm definition of who we are, and celebrating our uniqueness.

* Maintaining a sense of perspective. We need to accept the fact that we all have anxieties and other shortcomings. This is part of the human condition. The mature person, however, understands that these frailties need not determine our behavior. Our limits should neither incapacitate nor drive us. When we honestly accept this fact both in ourselves and in our partners, we can take a more balanced approach in dealing with each other’s limitations. The peaks and valleys of crises can be smoothed out. The blaming can come to an end, replaced by acceptance and love for the other person.

* Committing to a willingness to engage in self-confrontation. Looking within is difficult, but it is a necessary step both in our own life development and in helping our relationships to grow to new levels. Self-confrontation means coming to terms with our own fears, anxieties, and insecurities, a process that may be aided by professional psychotherapy. It may mean accepting the criticisms of our partners as valuable feedback about where our insecurities lie. Self-examination can focus on understanding how and why we manipulate others, undermine our own effectiveness, take a selfish approach at times (or, alternatively, give to others and never to ourselves), and work against our own best interests. We need to understand why we avoid ourselves, and then we need to make an honest commitment to enter into a path of honesty and integrity.

* Acknowledging our projections and distortions of reality that protect us from ourselves. We need to understand why we blame others, especially our emotionally committed partners, rather than acknowledging our own participation in interpersonal conflicts. This involves admitting when we are wrong. We should not expect that our partners will do likewise. Taking an honest approach toward our own lives is a tough, but rewarding, journey into personal integrity. When we embark on the trip, our partners, who are no longer feeling blamed and know that the old emotional standoffs have been eliminated, will often decide to begin their own excursions into self-growth.

* Learning to tolerate the pain involved in self-exploration. Dealing with emotional pain is a talent, which can be learned. In childhood many of us learned unhealthy ways of handling discomfort, often because we lacked supportive role modeling from our parents or other adults that would have taught us how to deal with pain in a healthier way. We may have learned to blame our parents when we faced life’s difficulties, and then we carry this blaming behavior into our committed relationships in adulthood.

* Avoiding pain is the reason many adults indulge in substance abuse or other addictive behaviors such as gambling, inordinate spending, or watching too much television. The healthier option is to make the adult commitment to explore the pain and its sources – and to find ways to make self-growth a friend rather than something to avoid. When we learn to cope with our own pain, we no longer need to manipulate our partners into making us feel better. And when this happens, the magic can re-enter our relationships.

Learn to Self-Soothe in the Face of Conflict

We blame our partners when we feel discomfort, and this tends to create distance within an emotionally committed relationship. The distance, then, creates a feeling of further discomfort. The clue to dealing with this dilemma is to learn how to soothe your own emotional pain. This can open the way to more passion and closeness in your relationship. Schnarch offers several suggestions for helping people to learn the art of self-soothing.

* Don’t take your partner’s behavior personally. Even if your partner doesn’t make all the changes that you’ve made, it should not be taken personally. If you and your partner are having a conflict, try some inwardly focused relaxation techniques. Focus on your breathing. Stop talking and try to slow your heart rate. Lower the volume of your speech and work on relaxing your body.

* Put the current conflict into perspective. Think about past instances of the same type of conflict. What resources did you use in the past for dealing with the conflict? Think about how discomfort will surface again in the future - and if you learn now how to deal with it, you will be better off in these future instances.

* Control your behavior, even if you can’t regulate your emotions. While we may have difficulty in controlling our emotions, especially in the face of a conflict, we can have control over our behavior. Prevent yourself from saying and doing things that you will regret later. Tell yourself: “I don’t have to take action on my feelings.”

* Stop the negative thinking. Our thoughts drive our feelings and behavior. When you find yourself engaged in negative thinking, make the change to more positive thoughts. Accept what is happening and then calm down.

* You may have to break contact temporarily with your partner until things cool down. When you are engaged in a conflict, you may need some time to get in touch with your self again. Look on this as a time-out, not a separation. Tell your partner that you need some time alone to calm down and that you can discuss the issue better later, after both of you have had some space from each other.

* Self-soothing does not involve substance abuse, the abuse of food, or emotional regression. You need time to confront yourself and understand what your part in the conflict may be. This does not mean hiding out, sleeping, binge-eating, or the use of drugs or alcohol, which are all ways to avoid self-confrontation.

Yes, compassion is a great trait to have; you just have to see Inanna's heartfelt posts. That is not in any way trying to make c/s women feel any less, and again none of the mods have ever said things to the effect that c/s women are lesser/weaker women. (I am a huge believer in you do what you did at the time with the best you knew/thought/had - even I have done things I wont do again but I didn't know better). But regardless, you absolutely cannot change what she (or anyone else for that matter) thinks, says or feels. All you can do is change how you think, react and feel if you want to be more happy/less effected by what you see/hear. And I do wonder if those who do feel negative emotions from what is posted on BB, want that? Depends where you're at in your differentiation process I guess.

There are two lives you can choose to live. The one you have now, feeling like you do, be it - guilt, worthless, useless, bullied, victimised or other. Or the one you have now.... without that feeling - and how great would that be? You just have to make the choice. Byron Katie's work is all that, for those who haven't seen her work, click the link in my sig She works with people with cancer, loss of relatives - so the most sensitive of topics, in order to help them to help themselves end their suffering and have quality of life with what they have been dealt.