Have you considered talking to a mw who has experience in mental health? Some of them are really great, they understand the fears and anxiety of women who have been through stressful previous pregnancies and births. Find someone you can trust and speak to them about how you are feeling . Regardless of how you birth, I think it would be beneficial to chat, and maybe even plan for what to happen if these feelings resurface post birth. Thinking of you, this path isn't an easy one. xoxo