Am I being an UNREASONABLE ex-wife? I want both opinions.. ex-wives & new wives.

[Madham]

Hi i can understand your situation i have a dd (12) from previous relationship we split when dd was 18 months and when we split i was promised a 50% share in all costs for schooling, medical etc and 10 years later i am still waiting. I only recieved $7 a week cs but since 1st July i now recieve $48 a week (wow) but better than nothing. I can really not offer you any help but i just wanted to say you are no alone with the broken promises. My dd has only just recently started seeing her dad, she has only spent the night at his place twice in 10 years and only sees him every few weeks for a few hours but it is her decision now on how often she would like to see him as i leave it up to her.
Sorry i wasnt really any help, good luck with it.

[mumofmany]

Thanks Abb. It's good to know I'm not alone. But I also know that I've had it "ok" compared to some situations.

My DH wants to tell the DD what's happening, as I cover for my ex alot with her. DH thinks she's old enough to make the decisions. But I don't think discussing financial implications with her should be her concern. But I want to somehow let her know, that the ex had the choice to help out with the costs but he chose to pay his girlfriends medical bill instead.

What wouldd you do? Would you tell the DD the situation.. or just try sort it out with ex? We are currently going through mediation anyway as when he started to change his mind on things, I decided that if I'm paying for things, he has no choice in things. EG, what schools, what activities she does etc. So this will all be going through court orders etc in coming months.

[fionas]

Hi there

My DP has a daughter with his ex and they both currently live in the US.

I guess my perspective is this - the amount of CS he is paying is not very much but presumably it has been assessed properly and that's what he should be paying. Based on that minimal amount, I wouldn't think he has much to pay for private schooling, though having said that, I'm not sure how much her schooling would cost. So despite his verbal agreement, I think you just have to decide whether you and DH can afford it without help from him.

But I definitely wouldn't tell her.

We have had a similar issue with DP's ex. My step-daughter came to live with us for eight months last year and DP's ex refused to pay a cent even though DP has religiously paid $500 per month in CS while his daughter lived with his ex. So while it was very tempting for both of us to tell her that her mom was an unfair, deadbeat so and so, we honestly didn't think that was fair to lumber her with a problem that should be between the adults to sort out.

[mumofmany]

Thanks fionas...

i chose catholic private school as it's the cheapest. High School will cost (inc fees, books, uniforms etc) $4K pa... so $2K each or $38 a week.

I don't think that's too much to find.. I mean.. we all live on a budget.. and there's always ways to squeez money.

We drive a crappy 14 yo car as we don't believe in credit or loans and can'r afford to buy a new one just yet... but they have a 4yo ford and about a 8 yo holden.. so to me.. i just think they don't budget and my DD misses out..

I forgot to mention before.. the dental work was 2 extractions, 2 crowns, 4 fissure sealings. I had relied on the school dental system and o boy... did they miss some major stuff that my local dentist diagnosed when I took her there for a tooth ache.

[Madham]

What wouldd you do? Would you tell the DD the situation.. or just try sort it out with ex? We are currently going through mediation anyway as when he started to change his mind on things, I decided that if I'm paying for things, he has no choice in things. EG, what schools, what activities she does etc. So this will all be going through court orders etc in coming months.

Well i have told my dd the truth about everything concerning her dad but she is very mature for her age so i guess its up to you and whether you think she is old enough to understand. I agree if you are paying for everything he has no choice in schools etc.

[Kitt3n]

I have given up trying to milk to ex cow..... hes just full of Bull S***!!!

DD knows that we pay for EVERYTHING for her and I truly believe that a she grows older she will appreciate me for that - well here's hoping.

The ex just isnt worth wasting the oxygen required to speak to him re helping to fund anything for her.......

[Lulu]

I would never, ever tell my child their father thought something else was more important than their needs EVER.

Can you get a formal financial agreement made, it sounds like you might need it. What a w@nker (to paraphrase Kitt3n!).

[Beatrix]

Oh hun..

I am in single mum of 3 and i dont think your being unresonable... possibly dreaming etc but not unresonable

My exH has prmoiseed the same regarding high school etc but yeah i highly doubt it and def kknow that if a new person came on the scene it would be out the window.
my ex just had a whinge about a $7 rise in his child support!!! he is also always broke but has new Nike clothing..... and wouldnt even help me out to get the girls some runner a couple of weeks ago



i really hope he pulls is thumb out but i doubt he will, but i think your right def dont involve you DD is finacial situation

[Marlene]

I dont think you are being unreasonable at all, especially since private education had already been discussed, and you have offered 50% custody, more than most mothers would ever dream of doing.

My ex does not pay 1 cent towards his children. CS says he has to pay $5.70 a week (and that is for 2 children, yes, two children!!!!). He can't even manage to do that!
He has his own business (which he obviously dodgies up the books). It is an extremely successful business, he also has his own HUGE home and a healthy supply of drugs. Oh well, I don't really care, I don't want his money and the girls aren't interested in seeing him anymore anyway, especially since they don't even get birthday or xmas cards. Occasionaly a birthday call to say something is on the way (which never arrives), but even those calls are only every couple of years.
I'm sure he makes sure there is just enough contact so that they can not change their surnames to my DH's name without his written permission. GRRRR.

OOps, sorry, I think I just hijakced your post.

[Sammiejane]

Hey Marlene,
DH has a business too, we dont dodgy the books, but his income at the end of the fin year is always a lot less than is reality... due to the profit and loss situation of the business (its not a company)
Unlike most men, DH is happy to contribute to the cost of raising his DS... One year he had to again go to the CSA for an interview as the assessment came back as saying he need to pay something like $20 an month, there was no way that we believed this fair and continued to pay the amount that was set for the previous year... the reason that it was reassessed was that his earning CAPACITY was greater than what was reflected... can you not ask for a reassessment on those terms.

I know that most women and mothers have it really really tough, and we (DH and I) have a huge dislike of those men that cant take responsibility for their kids - it means that he is unfortunately lumped in with a$$holes that are out there.

Sorry for your situation