VENT: my child talking about suicide on Christmas Day

[Gigi]

i am two years separated, my child has never accepted moving away and living separately from her dad - they have twice weekly contact.

The last few months, she has been talking about "being no use of her being in the world", how she's "not important to anyone" etc etc. "no-one needs me". "no point of being alive". "if i wasn't here, you could use my room as a spare room". If i wasn't here, you and daddy wouldn't have to waste money on me".

It was a few times a week, now it's daily. Today she told me, she knew how to kill herself, i swallowed some air and tried to calmly ask her, "How?", as i thought i should know, and she said "easy, just drown myself". She wasn't saying it to shock or to get a laugh, but very straightforward about it. She is just turned six.

i feel sick. My gorgeous DD - i can't even type it out -

i tell her every day how much i love her, she is important to me, i do need her. I tell her people love her and need her, not for what she does, but just for being her.

I don't resent spending money on her, i do go without so she can have what she needs, but i don't resent that, i do it gladly. I never say "i can't buy X for me, cos i've just bought you school shoes".

So much of what she is saying, is like the opposite of the things i am saying to her, it's so confusing. She obviously is not believing or hearing me.

We have an appointment, an initial assessment session with a child mental health services person middle of January, i realise that's only a fortnight away, but right now, it feels a LONG way away.

I don't know how my bright, funny, happy child can suddenly be thinking such morbid thoughts.

Vent over.

i know i'm being silly, i should be glad we have an appointment and leave it at that.

After the initial appointment, i have no idea when they will see her next, if at all.

[bella12]

Wow. That's heartbreaking. I just don't understand how someone so young can think such thoughts as a new mum I can't even begin to imagine how you must feel hearing those words out of your child's mouth good luck with the appt, hopefully soon you can get to the bottom of what's causing her to think this way. Take care.

[Butterfly Dawn]

that sounds scary and heart breaking. I have no advice but here if you need an ear.

[Butterfly Dawn]

can u start a project to do with her? sewing, gardening, model making or something.
that would give you some positive together time and maybe help her change focus over the holidays

[Gigi]

thanks, it IS heartbreaking Bella and BD. She spent quite a bit of today depressed. Very lonely xmas for her with no kids to play with. Her father had hardly any food at his home - very empty fridge, like he hadn't even done the weekly shop, it was a weird xmas. She liked her presents. The focus at xmas is being surrounded by family, different age groups (cousins, grandparents), sharing special food. She's very aware that's not our reality. She's all of a sudden very angry, about things like, not going on amusement rides at public events e.g xmas lights. This has been the same every year, and she's never made a fuss before. Now all of sudden, she's angry about missing out.

[Gigi]

BD, we do projects together. She loves art and craft especially. We made xmas decorations together (paper chains and snowflakes), xmas eve we made gingerbread together. Tonight we started using the large french knitter i gave her for xmas, and she's keen to continue that project tomorrow morning - when i work out if i'm using it correctly.

So many things she got for xmas involve art, craft, beginner sewing. She loves drawing quite detailed pictures, drew some lovely xmas cards.

TOday we did her xmas jigsaw, opened a small Mecanno set (she loves using spanner etc), watched first part of Singing in the Rain (she loves movies with dancing in them).

we do these things, she enjoys them, but still comes out with suicidal ideation comments, in the middle of doing a project. Whatever i'm doing, it's not enough. All the hugs, kisses and i love you's from me, are not sufficient to make her feel loved and love herself. Not fishing here, just saying what i'm thinking and feeling.

[Catastrophic]

Oh Gigi how absolutely heart breaking xox I have no words - I'm glad you can get her to that appointment and go from there.

Xoxox here if you ever need to vent/cry/etc

[Ginger]

Can I ask why she wasn't around any other kids on Xmas day? Sorry, I don't know your situation at all, I'm just wondering why you would describe her Xmas as lonely?

[Catastrophic]

In Gigi's family it's just her and bilby.

[Frangipani Lou]

What an upsetting situation you are dealing with. It sounds like your doing so much to help your DD.
Would it be worth going to or going back to your GP since the conversations are now more frequent? Your GP may be able to suggest something in the meantime or pull some strings to get your DD seen earlier.

[*Efjay*]

Gigi, first great bug hugs. Its not nice at all hearing your child express their feeling like this. Evan who is 10.5 has expressed this sort of talk since he was bilbys age. His anxiety teamed with aspergers is mentally crippling him. He is on anti depressents now. We had to hide the kitchen knives for a while there while adjusting his dose.

Just keep telling her that she is important to you and its upsetting to hear she feels that she is not. I had to be black and white with Evan about it, he would say if he was dead it would be easier for everyone. So I explained how he was wrong because of the impact his death would have on so many people. Siblings, extended family, school mates, even kids at school who are not his friends, teachers etc. They would all need to deal with the impact of his death. It seemed to make him think.

Is it possible she is feeling like a burden on her dad? Empty fridge etc, is it possible he is saying things that she is inturpreting as blame on her?

What does dad say about it all? Does she say the same things to him?

With getting upset on missing out on things, I think that is just her age, becoming aware of what others have and do.

[Chrispe]

Hugs Gigi,
So sad to hear what you and your DD are going through.
It's great to hear that you have an appointment for her in the new year, but it doesn't hurt to ask for any help before that!
I also live with someone who talks of suicide often (although in our case it's an adult)
Does it make any difference if you say to her how much you would miss her if she was gone? How you need each other?
A friend of mine had a similar experience with her kids when her marriage ended, but once again they were a bit older. She kept reassuring them just how much she loved/needed/would miss them. It seemed to be better after they saw a psychologist.

Wishing you the best.

[PumpkinZulu]

That's so sad Gigi, your DD is so beautiful. I am also wondering if her father has been saying anything she might be overhearing etc about her being a burden and the like?

[RhiChiChi]

Gigi, I'd give Beyond Blue or Lifeline a call and see if they can give you some advice on how to deal with this ((hugs))

[Gigi]

bilby's dad's fridge was very bare, i suspect more to do, with his lack of planning, (used the day before xmas to do things that really could have waited, rather than doing the weekly food shopping - which was sorely needed). He kept giving her white bread rolls with cheese on them every few hours, so she technically was being given food - but wasn't eating it. I can't understand why he would invite us over (bilby's desire, was to have xmas with both of us), with so little food in. I felt embarrassed once i realised. Went home last night with bad hunger pains.

i do go thru with her - if you weren't here, i would be devastated, daddy would be devastated, list off all the people who would miss her. List all the people who love how she draws, mention how many people love her just because she is her, not because of anything she does.

We are alone at xmas because bilby has one little cousin, same age, who lives interstate. There are no grandparents. One auntie, who has gone on holiday. That's it. Bilby is alone most of the time. I will attempt to arrange some playdates during the holidays (inbetween 12.15 VACswim lessons). All her classmates live 30mins away (near her school). One mum wanted us to go iceskating with her and her DD, but i declined, we need low cost playdates. Bilby is very social, loves being with other kids. I struggle with being able to provide her with that. Our neighbourhood is very dodgy, so she is not playing with the other kids on our street.

thanks for listening to my vent. i just want to make it better for her, and obv i can't. Doesn't stop me desiring to fix it for her, irrational i know.

[*Efjay*]

I think it would be worth talking her Dad about his priorities. I would suspect bilby is reading into things & making her own judgement on them. For example, he had other things to do the on christmas eve. When he could have been shopping.
Bilby may think he did not think SHE (and you) was not important enough for him to think about going shopping for, so you had a nice meal on xmas day.

He simply didn't think & Im sure it wasn't a case of not caring enough. BUT Bilby would be taking everything to heart & then letting her self believe its her.

Sit her down & talk to her about yesterday & find away to explain that her Dad can be a little absent minded sometimes & it is in no way a reflection of his love for her or her importance to him.

[LionsandBears]

When someone is depressed, those thoughts seem rational. Whilst telling her positive thoughts are important, it wont necessarily fix things. An appointment with a child psychologist or psychiatrist is important.

I know it's tough dealing with someone who is angry and depressed.

[Olive]

hun can you contact your local church regarding a youth group for her to attend, im sure she'd love it and would be low cost or free
xxx