day care??

[widdly]

i guess i am just after everyones honest thoughts and opinions, i am feeling very confused about things atm.

i always planned to be a full-time SAHM til Archie was settled into school, but due to PND being a SAHM is currently driving me mental. I have been feeling increasingly angry as the days go by this week and am taking it out on Archie by having very little patience for him and always telling him off instead of concentrating on praising him for the good things. a friend puts her son into Day care 3 hours a week for a bit of 'me' time to keep her sanity. inthe past i would have never agreed with this as a child should be at home with his/her mum if possible, however the lure of a few hours to myself sounds like magic atm, and i feel that Archie would love to spend time with other kids, him being an only child and all.

So i called up Family Day Care and they set a meeting up for me with a care provider who sounds really lovely, i meet with her next week. My husband and i both agree that it will be great for me to unwind.

However, now i am really having second thoughts. For 1 i know that 18 months is one of the worst times for separation anxiety and actually, i think thats why he is driving me insane cause he is SO clingy with me, and the thought of leaving him with a stranger.....i know for sure he would freak big time, i feel like i would be breaking his trust if i just left him with someone.

putting him into day care, while i have nothing against other parents doing it, just goes against all my parenting ideals, i have even enrolled him in kindy and school a year later than he is allowed to start (he is born in May) cause i want him to be fully ready and mature enough to go out into the big world without mum or dad by his side all day.

You know, i think i might be using PND as an excuse to be a lazy, snappy mum....i wasn't like this til i was actually formerly diagnosed...

Maybe i need to start taking him to Playgroups and other kids activities evey day of the week so we both get out and socialise and have fun together and enjoy each other

Well i think i may have answered my own questions, but please do offer your opinions, i you have been able to read this far

[visitor2]

Hi Elissa,

Don't feel bad about wanting some "me time" we all need it and if putting DS into day care is the way you will get some then do it.

I put Kimberley into day care when she was 15months old as i wanted me time and she loved going each week and to be honest so did i as i have no family support here in Austalia.
I've just put Alex into day care at 2½ to help with his speech and social skills. Not so much for me time this time round as i still have the other two but next year when Kimberley goes to school full time i am thinking about putting Eleanor in as well.

Try playgroups as well and see how that goes. You could always just give day care a go for a month and see how things go.

[widdly]

thanks so much for your reply michelle.

i think i know i should just give day care a go, but im just worried that if i give it a go and he hates it then he will be even more clingy with me cause he wont trust me any more. Am i just being ridiculous??? I probably am. the only person we have ever left him with for any length of time is my mum and its only recently that he has been able to happily wave us off instead of crying, and he knows my mum extremely well, what will he do with a complete stranger?!

[Jodie259]

Elissa...

I would go batty if I had Shaun 24/7. I take my hat off to any mother that spends every minute with their child. I am sure I couldn't do it.

Not only do I think that Mums need some "me time" and a bit of a break... and adult company if necessary... I think that a child also needs some independant time away from mum. Shaun is an incredibly social little kid with no separation anxiety (as he's been in some form of day care since he was about 8-9 months old).

Shaun now goes to two centres.... He goes to family day care twice a week - as there are only 4 kids there, and he gets lots of attention from the carer.
And he goes to a community based 'occassional' care centre twice a week. They have 3 hour or 5 hour sessions... and there are about 10-14 kids his age.
He loves both of them. He gets all excited when we arrive and he just loves playing with other kids, and the different environment, and all the different toys.

If Archie has spent so much time with you - there is a good chance that he will get separation anxiety - and this could be really tough on your emotions. But maybe you should try it out... just do a few hours at a time... build up.

A friend of mine had to return to work (son two days younger then Shaun)... and she had to put him into full time care. She found it soooo difficult at first. He would get upset. She would go to work then phone them every hour. But now... 6 months later - they both love it! And he really is a happier little boy. He socialises much more then he did before.

The other thing I find is Shaun has usually been the "little" one (ie: in the younger end). But by being around slightly older kids - he has picked up lots of skills. The family day care lady said she is amazed how he plays - as he is just like a 3yo. The occassional centre said they've never known a kid (ie: shaun) to be so obsessed with jigsaw puzzles. And he has a little harem of girls. When he arrives - all the kids call out "shaunie....., Shaunie's here!!!!!!!!!"

Elissa... we all start off with ideas of how we will parent. But then the real world comes along. I never dreamt that I would have a child that sleeps so little. And personally, I think that it's best for your child to get some time out... as well as yourself.

The play group idea is also a good one... particularly if Archie struggles with the separation anxiety.
But I would certainly give day care a go. A happy healthy mum will make for a happy healthy child.

Mwa to you sweetie.

xxx

[satya]

All I can say is my DstepD has been in day care since she was I think about a year old and she is one of the most well developed 4.5 year olds I've ever met. It's amazing what all that interaction with other children and adults does. You will be doing your child a favour by putting them in day care.

[visitor2]

Elissa it would be upsetting for Archie at first but they are trained to look after them when they are. Alex was fine his first day, cried becuase we took his trains home the second time and this week he hugged me and then cried but after a little while he was fine.
You can always call the centre and check on him and it might do him the world of good.
Alex has never spent much time away from me and if he is with someone else it's always been DH.

[widdly]

oh jodie, thankyou so much, you wrote something that really sunk in and put things into perspective "it will be hard on MY emotions" it wont neccesarily be that hard on Archie's emotions but it will just about kill me, i need to remember that all kids have to deal with separation sooner or later, i am gonna be tough and just leave him. Thanks so much you have really helped. i hope the new baby is a great sleeper to make up for Shaun! Only 2 days to go!!! I am so excited for you! GL

satya - thankoyu so much!

thanks again Michelle. Now i just have to work out how to write his name on his comfort toy "tigger"....

[Lucy]

Elissa ,

You poor love.

I think the girls have given you great ideas and some perfect advice.

When it comes down to it, you can only do what feels right for you and Archie.

The very fact that you are so concerned over your choice indicates that you will make the best choice for both of you in the end.

If it is any help, I always thought I would be a full time SAHM. Always.

But by the time Olivia was 10 months old I was crawling the walls with boredom and so chose to put her in childcare 2 days a week. (And I was pg with Charlie, so I used this to "justify" my decision to myself, LOL!)

Then when Charlie was 12 months, he joined her (I was heavily pg with Lexie by this time, again, the perfect excuse!)

Then when Lexie was about 6 months old I realised I had no self invented "excuse" to put her in childcare. It made me face up to the fact that, for me, FT SAHM is not ideal for my mental health. (Please note this is my experience only!)

So I went and got myself a part time job (2 days a week, which I LOVE) and all 3 of mine are at child care 2 days a week.

For us, in our family situation, this makes for chaos, but most importantly, it makes for a happy mummy and happy children.

I am consistently happy and totally comfortable with their child care arrangements, I love my job, I love dropping them off and I love picking them up. DH loves that I am happier. The kids LOVE "school" as they call it.......

So just my take on it, but let go of any Mummy guilt!

Best of luck!

[~Kim~]

Elissa I had another thought. At the centre where Darcy goes the girls there are right up my alley on lots pf parenting things. How they speak to the kids, what they do when they are upset, how they reproach them for being naughty etc. I have chatted at length with them, and love that if Darcy's having an 'off' day, someone sits with her and reads until she's happy to go off by herself. I think I wouldn't be so settled if I thought they were doingthings way diffeent than how I would choose IYKWIM?

[luey]

My mum was a daycarer for many years and we often had children come in for a few hours a week. It did take them time to adjust but in the end they all loved it. yes there were tears but as soon as the car was at the end of the street they were usually distracted and happily playing. My advice though is don't just have it once a week if you can, maybe two mornings a week (say Tuesday and Thursday)? This gets a routine happening otherwise a week is a long time and it does take longer for them to adjust to being left. Definately try playgroups too.

I am already thinking about childcare (Family day care) for my bub at about 8months. I feel horrible doing so but recognise that I will need a break at some stage and we will be running a business, no family support around. I will be working back in the business as soon as I feel able after bub, plan on taking it in and sticking it under a desk. After about 8 months I don't think I will be able to do this as bub will be more mobile and is not fair. Plus it gives bub a chance to socialise without me being there to 'supervise', hopefully bub will learn to be more independent and that it is ok to be left. Of course I haven't had bub yet, all this could change.

[widdly]

lucy - it is so good to know that its not just me who always planned on being a SAHM but in reality am going crazy doing it. Thanks for sharing your experiences, you have really made me feel better about things

kim - good point, thanks

luey - yeah i reckon more than one day would be better too, thanks for the advice and GL with bubs

I had a meeting all set up with a FDC provider then chickened out at the last minute, might get back to her one day if i can work up the courage to leave my baby boy

[paradise lost]

To be totally honest, the only parenting ideal i had that i had to deviate from (BFing for a year, had to stop at 7 months) i really really regret. You might not feel like that, and i know one day i'll feel better about it, but i do have those regrets just now.

In an ideal situation would you rather be happier being a FTSAHM, or not be a FTSAHM? Like is this a realisation about the difference between what you thought it'd be and what it is, or you wishing you enjoyed it more? Maybe YOU can get time away from DS without him having to have time away from you...kwim? Like when he is in bed?

I'm a FT single SAHM, but XP does put DD to bed twice a week and have her for 24 hours over the weekend so i do get some break from it. I find things that help me are:

1) going to toddler groups and "outings" where there will be other parents - i took DD swimming last week and ended up talking about relationship breakups with a complete stranger whose DD was a little bit younger than mine It makes a big difference being able to talk to other people IRL and we can all remember that we're people and not just mummies.

2) getting proper "grown-up" time - even if it's just popping to a bar at the weekend or sitting in my bedroom with the laptop and letting XP be "in charge". Could DH assume full responsibility so you can have some wine, a bath, go out with friends or something like that? At least once or twice a week is good, and can be done in the evenings when DS is (hopefully) in bed.

3) exercising - i really begin to feel depressed if i miss more than 2 or 3 workouts and i have 3 or 4 exercise sessions a week, at least 2 are away from DD - that's how i use the evenings XP comes to put her to bed, i go to the gym or run. It helps me get all my tensions and anxieties out and feel refreshed as well as making me feel more confident and self-assured (which being "just mummy" can take from us).

4) maintaining a life that is seperate from motherhood. This could be anything, but for me it is writing short stories, having fun away from DD (as well as with DD) with my DP (who is DD's step-daddy-who-doesn't-live-here) such as meals out or sex - it sounds stupid saying it, but remembering i'm a sexual being has made me feel MUCH better about having to be practical mummy most of the time.

5) (the hardest one) putting as much into my time with DD as possible. Like as i'm typing this she is whining and grabbing things she's not allowed to have because she's bored. I'm going to read to her in a second She is very demanding but i find if i meet those demands as much as i can (rather than keeping trying to do something when she's moany so that she gets naughty and i get cross) we do have more fun together. It can be so hard to know that my mood is directly affecting hers and sometimes i just DON'T feel like reading beatrix potter AGAIN, but it really does seem to make a difference with me. I try to buy her books i actually like (Dr Seuss appeals and can be funny for adults as well as kids) so that reading to her isn't a chore. I spend money on good arts and crafts materials and when she is scribbling i draw, when she is ripping up i make cards, when she is drawing on the walls i chase her with a wet cloth and cry - LOL it doesn't always work how i want. I have gotten to a stage before now where i felt like i was in a rut because she wasn't all that happy and was REALLY demanding/clingy, and yet i felt like i just wasn't enjoying her much and wasn't doing a very good job of looking after her - some days all i said was "no!" kwim? We spent a lot of time with her demanding my company and me being reluctant and both of us being more miserable. If i feel myself sliding that way again i force myself to make a big effort with her for a few days and her mood improves so drastically it's hard for me to stay down

I've stopped to read to her, colour with her and cuddle her when she fell off the toybox (junior acrobat over here) 3 times while i typed this, but she is not moaning now so i'll be able to cook dinner in peace at least .

Anyway, i hope you come to the right decision for you and your DS, and i just wanted you to know that you can find other ways round these things if you are really uncomfortable with changing your parenting ideals. I have plenty of friends with very smart, very happy, very sociable children in daycare, so the decision you make is only going to be about right for YOU and your family. In general i think mummy-senses are a good thing - if you want to pick up your newborn or bf-to-comfort or co-sleep or take bubs to the doctor even though you can't put your finger on what's wrong except that SOMETHING is - well you should, i think instinct rocks . And i'm like you - i don't want to leave DD. Yes, i considered it when we were in our rut and i still think of it now when i'm going crazy, but i know it's something i'm not comfortable with, and if i do it in desperation (i weaned from the boob indesperation) i am just as harsh with myself afterwards, so i wouldn't be saving myself anything, if that makes sense.

Anyway, enough rambling - i keep typing the lyrics to horsie horsie, which i'm singing as i type. LOL. Best of luck hun and lots of

Bx

[utigerlily]

I completely understand your worry Elissa, I have a 16mth boy who's not as clingy, but is difficult in both sleeping and eating, so I worry about leaving him at Day care as well. Just the thought of him crying and distressed just messes me up, even though I understand what you mean by needing some 'me' time. I've considered day care, but have chickened out doing it at the moment... perhaps when he's a little older. In the mean time, I'm considering play group, and taking him to nursery rhymes at the library etc to give him interaction with other kids, and get him used to being with others, so hopefully he'll make a good transition when the time comes?!
Maybe you could leave him with a good friend or relative for 1 or 2 hours to start with, and see how he goes, and how you go... that way he can get used to someone else being with him, and that person is not a complete stranger to start with? And you can have a little break to soak in the bath or do some stress free shopping, or something?
Be picky about choosing the child care places, I've heard first hand that the Montessouri centres are really good, and they have a very secure and protective, safe environment for the young ones to play and interact.
All the best in your decision, whatever you choose, it'll be the best decision for you and your little one

[mollycat]

hi, thinking of putting your child into child care is one of the most important decisions in both your and your child's life. It can be really frightening for the parent, and you are allowed to be anxious when your child first starts care. A good child care provider will help you adjust. I'm speaking personally, I am a carer with Family Day Care and have looked after over 100 children over the last ten years. I've had a few children who just found the separation too much, and have advised their parents to take them out of care and try again in six months or so. Others adjust within six to eight weeks. I had two siblings, cried when mum left, so advised her to park down street and listen out of sight, within minutes they were playing happily. Best way is to start with a few hours per day(always feel free to ring and check in) and build up, maybe twice a week, as one day per week is usually too far apart between visits. Don't be afraid to "shop around", some carers are better than others, and there is always the chance of a personality clash.

[widdly]

tigerlily and mollycat, thankyou so much for you replies. I am really happy with my decision not to put him into ay care. i am doing activities outside the home with him now and we are loving spending time together every day

[smiles4u]

Hi there Elissa, (it's Lorelle )

Hey, I'm a full-time Mum too. Giving up wrk afta ova 20yrs until I had Cendrine ws so hard but it ws DH & my choice that we personally felt no child could get beta care then with their own parent.

And YES it is a sacrifice, ... I don't think many Mothers like to admit that BUT "U" av 2 look afta "U" 2, ... and that's why u r here asking 4 opinions. Good on you Elissa

Like u mite kno a little of my situation only living here in Ballarat 4 3yrs & av 1 new friend here so far since avin had Cendrine 20mths ago. I take her 2 daytime activities & also 4 the reason so she can b around other children & not jst me every single day.

Sometimes I mite take her to an activity twice per wk or sometimes once a fortnite or every 3wks. No matter how often I take her, she doesn't suffer and she jst loves goin weneva we DO go.

If I don't take her to an activity, eg, wen they don't run on school holiday's, I jst take her 2 a park. And take her 2 different parks so it feel new & somewhere else 4 her.

All my friends av gone thru the same feelings as bein a Full-Time Mum, ... and yes it can get lonely not avin adult company like u did at your last wrk-plc.

I av come 2 accept the fact that it's fine and I jst simply av 2 keep motivated and get us both out & about doin things. And remember as U already kno U r doin it 4 Archie in the end

... And what a beautiful gift 2 give 2 your child - Yourself at home with them

[widdly]

thanks Lorelle! Yep, i agree with everything you said, it is a sacrific we make for our child and a very special one at that. But sometimes i wonder if i am doing Archie an injustice by NOT putting him inot care. I do lots of activities with other kids though, kindergym on Mondays, Library Tuesday, swimming lesson wednesdaya nd playgroup friday, and he is getting a lot more out going and not clingy at all, so i guess as long as i keep giving him plenty of opportunity to socialise with other kids, he will be fine.