I'm so angry at the way I acted.

[Shanti]

Last night was a shocker

DD is 3mths old now and is fully BF and quite often will feed through the night 3hrly still. Some nights are good and she can go up to 6hrs without needing a feed other nights she feeds quite often. Last night DD went to bed around 630pm and slept like an angel until 11pm when she woke for a feed. (normally do a dreamfeed around 10pm but didnt bother lately as she still wakes up soon afterwards) I had gone to bed at 830pm as I was exhausted.... DD doesn't sleep much during the day. She never has. I'm lucky if she will sleep longer than 20-30mins at a time. Like yesterday, she only slept for 1hr 50mins out of an entire 12 hour day. (3 sleeps all up) It's very exhausting when you have a baby who doesnt' sleep much in the day no matter what you try to do to settle them and exhausting when they still wake often in the night. I just don't get much rest you know? It seems like some days all I spend my day doing is trying to get DD to sleep. (I know this is common).

Anyway, I fed her at 11pm and she went back down at 1130pm. She then woke up and needed another feed and re-settling a few times throughout the morning (can't remember exact times as I was half out of it). By 5:30am she woke up crying and I had only just gone to bed at 430am so was very tired. I got up and stood at her door and in a raised voice said "stop crying!" and then walked into the kitchen to calm down.
I started crying because I was just so exhausted and there is only so much one person can take some days right?! I've gone 3mths without getting frustrated like that and I just sorta lost it My Dh heard me crying and got up and picked her up as we don't like leaving her to cry for too long. I didnt' want to pick her up, I was too angry.

When she woke at 530am she wasn't interested in feeding she just wanted to play but our day normally starts 630-7am. I would not have been so irritable and snappy if she was waking because she was hungry but she wasn't it was cos' she wanted to get out of her cot but she'd had hardly any sleep all morning. Neither had I or DH.

I just feel so bad that I raised my voice from the door at her. I never looked at her when I said it i just walked past her door and said it. I feel like the worst Mummy like I should be able to hold myself together a bit better. But when you're that tired... it's bloody hard!!

Today has been a pretty good 'sleep' day surprisingly and it must be cos' she is exhausted!! she slept from 815am until 11am today!! And SO DID I. That is so rare!!!
But I was worried cos' she wouldnt call out to me or anything and I'm so used to her caling out after only 20mins or so but she didnt so then I was worried she was upset with me!!!!! She didn't feed until 12 midday!!!!

Just need some reassurance from you other Mummies out there that you've done something similar and felt bad about it too. Talk about Mummy guilt. I love my baby girl so so much I just want to do the best by her.

[Arimeh]

Yup done it. Sleep deprivation changes your very soul I think. Its horrible. You do things you wouldn't ever see yourself doing.

You are doing a great job babe.

[boomba]

First off your an amazing mum! Your doing a fabulous job!

Myles never was and still isnt a big sleeper! I remember my first meltdown I think I too raise my voice at him cayse he just would stop crying! so we all do it hunny but at the time you feel like your the worst person in earth! Mummy guilt is the worst but your doing an amazing job as I remeber the sleep deprivation of a mummy whose child doesnt sleep

I am here anytime hun! xxxxxxx

[*charmalea*]

its ok ! ive been there done that ! your not a bad mummy !! i just had a week in sleep school because , "they" were worried about me cracking it .. as some nights (the really good ones - not) she would feed 10 times .. and thats at 8mths old !!!!

I hate hearing DD cry , but SS had to be done , as i cried alot as i was soooooo tired from settling her .

i agree with mel - it really does change your sould , it also changes bubs soul !!!

DD is now a different baby now that she sleeps better ..
hugs .. dont feel bad or angry , it was the sleep deprived you that had had enough .. not the real you we know and love xxx

[~breeze~]

yes I've done it before. I had a few weeks where DH was stuck in bed due to a bad back, DD had an ear infection & a cold & DS had a middle ear infection & a cold. I was sooooooo tired & told Tobias to stop crying & go to sleep. It happens to everyone hun. Its so exhausting when you haven't had much sleep & have a little person who doesn't know what they want so just cry to get you to work it out for them.

You are doing so well. Dont be upset at yourself for this. You feeling so guilty about it shows how much you love your baby girl & what a GREAT mummy you are!!!

[Salad]

Big hugs for you honey - dont feel bad you are only human we have all been there before at some stage. She wont be upset with you, she is most likely exhausted herself.
Its hard isnt it coz they are so tiny and helpless - let it go coz she adores you. You are doing a great job and dont forget its the hardest job in the world

[Jahzara]

I have absolutely done that - many times !

My kids have survived the whole Mummy has sleep deprivation saga



Its a very hard time and i totally understand where you are coming from and how you feel.

xxxooo

[Heaven]

Yep, like I told you before, I've done it It was so bad, I felt horrible. I think I said 'Go to sleep' really meanly and she was laying on the lounge next to me (I had put her down because I was too frustrated) and her little bottom lip went down like I'd actually really hurt her feelings. I picked her up and cried and gave her a big hug. Now every time I feel myself getting frustrated I see that little face in my head and it stops me doing it again.
Lack of sleep makes you go crazy.

[Antheia]

Yep, like I told you before, I've done it It was so bad, I felt horrible. I think I said 'Go to sleep' really meanly and she was laying on the lounge next to me (I had put her down because I was too frustrated) and her little bottom lip went down like I'd actually really hurt her feelings. I picked her up and cried and gave her a big hug. Now every time I feel myself getting frustrated I see that little face in my head and it stops me doing it again.
Lack of sleep makes you go crazy.

The one time i yelled at Orson to shut up and go to sleep, he did the whole bottom lip thing too. And then the silent scream! OMG I felt so bad.

Ren, i hope tonight is a better one.

[Gigi]

bilby fed every two hours 24/7 til about 20 months old. so i was on about two hours sleep per night for two years. even when she started sleeping for five hours at a time, my body was so used to having so little sleep, i coudln't sleep!

sleep deprivation is the pits

ava is lucky to have you as a mum
you love her to bits, AND you're human
you are a great mum renstar, and your dh sounds great too

i also know what it's like to not have any family backup.

[BloominRoses]

Sorry - had to post this in response to Rosehip but also to tell you Ren - you are a goddess of a mum; don't let Ava's bottom lip torture you for one more minute.

But should you get frustrated... Tonight I was watching one of the DVDs my mum made me when she was in hospital before she died. Just to cover stuff that she wouldn't be around to give me advice on when I got married, had a baby, etc... This one is on being a mum in the early days- not childbirth or pregnancy (she covered that earlier) but just how she mothered me when I was a baby in case I was ever curious and/or if the Drs ever asked why I, or my Sprout, was so screwed up!

Her version of a lullaby:

Twinkle, twinkle, little star
Boy I wish I could throw you far
Of course I won't, but please stop your crying
If only because mummy feels like dying
Twinkle twinkle little star
Please don't make me give you a scar.

She'd probably get thrown into jail for singing this to a newborn now but I admit that I'm going to keep this one on standby. Just in case.

I hope you have/had some more sleep-
Shari xo

[BabyQ]

omg, I've sooooo been there too and I'm sure there are others with very similar experiences. There have been times where I have seriously considered just letting my baby boy cry til he tired himself out while I sleep in the other bedroom!!! ..After a couple minutes I come to my senses and get the mommy guilt "How could I!"....but I think the worst I've felt is when bub woke up in the night for a feed and we still had bad attachment and I lost all control and screamed and it scared the bejeezus out of him and stunned him so much he didn't want to try to feed for a while after... I just give thanks that tomorrow is a new day and they forgive and forget much easier than we mummies do ourselves. Just a hint of that sweet smile is enough to melt any bad feelings away.

[Rach75]

I remember when Jack was about 10 weeks old I snapped at him he was like ava he only cat napped during the day I was exhausted and I snapped I remember Jase getting up taking jack and ordering me to bed....

it happens honey at least you had the sense to walk away to calm down my mum said she had moments where she snapped would put us in cot or somewhere safe and go have a shower or coffee to calm down

[AliBaby]

Big honey. Ou are doing a great job on minimal sleep. I am glad your DH got up when he heard you were upset and you should be proud of yourself for going and taking some timeout when you were angry and frustrated instead of picking up DD. You actually did the right thing babe. I know you are feeling guilty for yelling at DD to stop crying but lots of mummy's have been there and I dont think Ava will hold a grudge against you for it. You are such a beautiful mum to her so please dont let this one little thing get you down.

Lots of to you and lots and lots and lots of sleepy vibes to Miss Ava! xo

[onthefly]

I know you're disappointed in yourself, but remember - you're a human being and there's only so far we can stretch before we snap! This is a good sign that you need a little more support right now - can DH/mum or someone help out a little more for a while?
We've all been there - forgive yourself, ok?

[Lenny]

I think you'll find most of us have snapped and done something when we were just so exhausted, that we wouldn't normally do.

My DS always started his day very early 5am ish and that was it - sleeping over, time to play. Even now it's usual that he wakes by 6am. It's tough sometimes, but you have my sympathy.

[{sarah}]

Ren you know what I think.... Every mother has done this at some stage & if one says she hasn't, she's either lying or has the patience of a saint

Perfectly normal hun & perfectly normal to be upset by your reaction

[hj1981]

Awww Ren - dont feel guilty - ur doing a great job! sleep deprivation can make us do some silly things!
Im another one who has been there and done that - u did the right thing tho by taking a bit of time out for ur self and having a good cry!!!
Take it easy and dont be so hard on urself!