It sounds like you are really struggling. I haven't been in such a difficult situation myself, but thought I would offer some support.
Whenever I have made changes it has taken me a long time to work up to it, but I think half the battle is making up your mind and sticking with it. My DD usually doesn't take long to adjust to changes, but consistency is the key.
Sounds like a great idea to tackle things when you both have some time. I was just thinking, is there anyone who could support you and look after the kids while you make these changes. Especially during the day if it has been a long night?
I think it'd help if you talk and fuss about the new room leading up too. Take them on a shopping trip for new doona covers and decorations for the room (let them choose) and then get them involved in putting it all together. Then you could have a countdown to the 'big-move' and talk about how great it is going to be having their own room. You could also do some playtime in there each day so they start using and liking the space, etc.
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