Hey everyone,
Just needing to vent on a thoughtless comment made recently by my MIL.
Context - we were discussing her birth control methods when she was married (and had 4 kids). She used the Billings method, and maintained that it was unreliable. I mentioned that it was pretty much the method that we are using at the moment, and she looked at me and said "Can you mother two?".
I mean, GRRRR! What a way to throw the confidence
We are not currently TTC, but I have gradually convinced myself (after a difficult baby and flirtation with PND) that I could maybe, possibly, perhaps, start considering another baby.
So anyway, now I am back on BCP cos i don't want to risk being a "bad mother" to two poor defenseless bubs.
Ok, that is not the main reason I am back on the pill, but her voice keeps reverberating through my mind. Does she think I am a bad mother? Does she think I couldn't handle another baby? Am I that incompetent???
OMG!! What a cow! Sorry but you dont even want me to get started on MIL and how they should keep their opinions to themselves.
You would be an AWESOME mum to 2 or even 10! And who is she to judge or question you?! Was she the ideal mother???????????????? More than likely not. And thats beside the point, do you love your baby? Could you love another? Of course you could! You are a great mum and she can go jump in a toilet!
Aw She is your MIL, the grandmother to your child(ren) and she should be supportive regardless. What a thoughtless comment to make. I am sure you are a wonderful mother, and even if you have had issues this time around, you may not next time. Especially if the PND flirtation was related to a difficult baby, which could be very different with the next baby as we all know no two babies are the same.
It was a thoughtless comment to make. I agree but perhaps she didn't mean it quite the way it came out. Do you have a good relationship with you MIL. Maybe that was just her warped way of showing concern. Perhaps she was referring to the difficult time you had with Bubs and was actually trying to be 'supportive'. Please don't take her comment on board as it truely was insensative. Just focus on yourself and your family and put her comments to the wayside.
How is it any of your MiL's business? Sounds like something my MiL would say, bless her. Or do something with her, anyway.
TBH, it could be innocent. Do you think you would like a second baby right now, would you like it? Or would you find it hard? Because everyone tells me how much harder having 2 is. Does MiL know about the PND and is she concerned for you? How did she find having 2, was it really hard for her to adjust? Did she bond well with her second?
Or it could just be MiL-itis. Don't I just look forward to DS getting married so I can come out with evil crap and no-one can pull me up on it because I'm MiL and DS adores me! Mwahahahahaha!
I'm just thinking that she probably meant it like "well it's not very reliable so u better get ready for another one" iykwim not saying that she thought u couldnt handle it.
BTW Billings is actually one of the most reliable but obviously to be effective the user has to know what ur doing, not like the pill or using a condom
I know how you feel, my family were less than thrilled about the prospect of us having #3 and made it known well before this bub was (very surprisingly!) conceived. We lost our second baby which pretty much devastated me, then had to go through IVF to conceive DS, it was a really tough 18 months. DS also hasn't been the easiest bub and I had a bit of PNA for a few months after he was born.
I choose to put their concerns aside and have confidence in myself that although there will be really tough days, I can do this. That's on a good day though - on a bad day, I'm terrified!
Dragon - Bub sounds like you've had a rough road with bub and PND and guess what...you've survived!!! Probably very well might I add. Only you can make the decision as to when you'd like to TTC again and only you will know if you can handle another bub emotionally and mentally.
Does your MIL have foot in mouth disease? Was she a good mother? Maybe she is talking from her own personal experience and feelings?
If her comment is really bothering you please politely ask her what she meant.
My SIL has had 2 very unsettled babies 18 months apart. Both have sleep issues and both have disgestive and allergies problems. To say the least the poor woman has been through hell. She often turns up to my Dad's place in tears and on the surface it seems that she is not coping. But in reality she hasn't had a full night of sleep for 3 years, and she gets no help from by darling brother. My Dad comments that she can't cope etc, but to be honest if I was in her situation I would be exactly the same if not worse. In fact she is a great mum who has a lot of extra stress placed on her and she is only human.
I don't think family or people should comment until they've walked a mile in someone else's shoes..
Try not to judge the situation just because she's your MIL. As others have said it could have been innocent. My MIL has a serious case of foot-in-mouth but I know she means well, and if it really hurts me I tell her rather than hold onto it. Its only fair. And the one thing I've learnt with MIL's is that the reason they are often more honest with their DIL's than daughters is because they don't have the baggage of raising you, and in most cases they don't fear you because of this. I know this is the case with my MIL. And I am glad that she can be honest, even if at times she says the wrong thing, but we just talk about it and she is always devastated if she's hurt or upset me.
Thanks to everyone for replying - it has given me a confidence boost!
I will take your advice on board and talk to her about it. She had a monster first child, then had my DH 2 years apart, then a 6 year gap between him and his sister, then a 7 year gap between her and his youngest sister (his mother is quite bitter about having 4 kids and going through several MCs in between).
She has often said how difficult she found being a mother and not being a "natural" at it. She has also referred to me in that way, but I always thought it was because I was career minded and not the SAHM-minded mummy.
It has been difficult because initially, DS was such a difficult bub, and we had NO family support - like your SIL Bekz. MIL only lives 30 mins away but I saw her only once or twice in the first six months. She never offered to help in any way, and I think she was keeping her distance for some reason - maybe after her own marriage breakdown and resultant issues she may have felt she couldn't cope or offer much support (I had been very supportive to her throughout her divorce, but it obviously isn't reciprocated ).
I guess I should put it down to "foot in mouth" as you suggest and move forward. I will talk to her about it, just to get it off my chest. Normally we get along very well, and like you say Niliac, we get along better than her daughters and me and my mum.
Oh well, it was just bad timing and I over-obsess about any slight on my mothering ability (it is one button just waving in the breeze begging to be pressed). Willow - it is not nice to have a dampener on what should be something so special.
Thanks again for your support, it really means alot to me
My gosh - what a horridly condescending comment to make! She was speaking to you as though you were a child. How did you respond? Comments like that can catch us so off guard that we are just stunned in the moment and then regret not saying something later on.
Don't be angry at yourself for that - she was WAY out of line there!
Besides, who's to say that your experience would be the same with a second child anyway? In most cases they are vastly different.
On another note - have you considered NFP (Natural Family Planning)? It is far more comprehensive than the billings method and does not have all the nasty side effects of the pill - one of which can be depression. The hormones in the pill change the Ph level of the body (turning it from a more alkaline environment to an acidic one) and this can lead to brain chemistry changing to conditions that are favourable for depression to develop. No - your doctor will not tell you that, but a Naturopath will.
If you do wish to remain on the pill - be sure to take a high potency probiotic (good bacteria) supplement (ask at your local health food store - needs to be kept in fridge). This will help to counteract the acidic environment that the pill creates and prevent you from getting subsequent acidity-based conditions such as thrush, candida, digestive problems, headaches and urinary tract infections.
All the best in dealing with your MIL. Sometimes silence is golden - and other times they need to be put in their place!
I wouldn't worry at all about what your MIL thinks or says. I'm quite sure my MIL doesn't think I can mother one, let alone two. But I have learnt not to care about it (mind you, it has taken time). Now I accept that she will always have a different way of doing things, and that she will never see agree with my ways.
Please don't let things that others say upset you. I am sure that your MIL was trying to be helpful rather than critical, but either way, you know yourself better than she does
Jelly - I have heard of NFP but am not sure of the difference? TBH I am wondering what is going on with everything at the moment, which is why her comments hit a nerve. I thought I had the "o" day sussed and was fairly predictable. Hence we went about business as usual, but am still getting EWCM at the mo (sorry TMI) so am a little bit concerned. On the one hand, I am ok with #2, but after her comments it really threw me into a panic! It just makes me feel that it is not a safe place to have a whinge and a moan without judgement and her thinking I am weak.
Oh well, time will tell and fate will decide the outcome, which I am at peace with, but telling her would be something that I wouldn't relish.
It is funny how one simple comment can change your perspective so much huh?
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MIL doesn't think I can mother two!
She is your MIL, the grandmother to your child(ren) and she should be supportive regardless. What a thoughtless comment to make. I am sure you are a wonderful mother, and even if you have had issues this time around, you may not next time. Especially if the PND flirtation was related to a difficult baby, which could be very different with the next baby as we all know no two babies are the same.
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