telling parents about TTC?

[michal]

hi all

this is our 6th month TTC. we were really not expecting this to take so long and each month we get a BFN is that little bit harder. We're thinking that if we get a BFN this time around, (sometime in the next week or two) we might tell our parents that we are TTC.

Pros: we get support from our families and have someone to vent to other than each other.

Cons:it may be annoying having them asking how its going all the time and it will wreck the surprise when we finally get a BFP.

What are your opinions/ experiences?

[Kazbah]

Hi Michal -

sorry to hear its taking so long, so very frustrating! I guess the answer has a lot to do with your families - are you particularly close to both sides of the families?

On the one hand, if you mention you're TTC and having difficulties then you may find out some family history which may help.

On the other hand, if you don't mention you're TTC and are wed, then the pressure will just grow as your marriage matures, as people expect kids within the first year it seems.

I did mention to my parents we were TTC so it wouldn't be a shock - but at the time we weren't married so didn't want to let them think it was an "accident"! (like DH's family did, cause he didn't want to tell them we were TTC)

Maybe if you have a close sibling, confide in them? So you have that support, but also someone to say "lay off with the questions" at family gatherings?

Good luck *hugs*

[Tiff+2]

We have chosen not to make it common knowledge that we are TTC as last time we got 'Are you preg yet' CONSTANTLY!!! That just makes it so much harder cuz it kinda feels as though you're reliving that bfn all over again.

If it was just the parents you were telling and you could trust that it's not going to go any further than that definately be a good thing as I'm sure they'd be so supportive and help you through the tough times.

to you, I'm sorry it's taken longer than you had expected. My Dr ALWAYS reminds me, the average time of TTC is 12 months and not to worry your head one little bit until then. If it takes over 12 months then you could go and have some tests done to see if the is an underlying issue that may be the cause of you not falling, but in saying that some Dr's will test after 6 months.

I wish you all the best in you TTC journey. As I always say to the girls in our TTC Buddies, perfections take time and babies are definately person, the most perfect miricle of all.

[Trillian]

Either way you would probably start to get hassled/asked about babies soon anyway and at least if they know that you have been trying, that you can also set some gentle guidelines so they know, but don't pester you about it. I think having your family support you through this will be more valuable to you than the small risk of being asked all the time. I really hope that your journey isn't much longer for you

[~Raven~]

I guess if you know that your family would be more supportive than nosy then include them!

We didn't tell anyone when we were TTCing because I knew we'd get pestered As it was it took 12 months for DS1 and I was already frustrated without feeling like I was disappointing everyone else IYKWIM.

[JLeigh29]

I recently told my parents after 16 months, tests and a visit to the IVF clinic as it seemed as though IVF was our next logical step. We made it clear how hard this journey has already been for us and that we would need their support and understanding but not constant questions about how things are going. So far (about 5 weeks) we've had NO questions about anything, which has been great.

However, we haven't told DH's Mum because we're pretty sure she wouldn't leave us alone and would have no idea how to help and not hinder, IYKWIM!

We also wanted to surprise everyone with the BFP too, but it will still be a surprise whenever it does happen for you.

My advice is to go with your gut feeling. If you feel like you're gonna need the support, then go for it. Make it clear what you do and don't need from them, and that now they know you're ttc, YOU will let them know how things are going if you don't want them asking all the time.

[Floweryfields]

I personally probably wouldn't tell for a while - to avoid the are you yet questions. I also would want to avoid the suspicion if you are when you do get pregnant but aren't ready to tell everyone yet iykwim.

[Elocin]

I agree with what Trillian said - we have told some people that we are trying and they respect that it hasn't happened straight away and usually the girls who know ask me privately how things are going and offer advice / reassurance rather than hassling...

In saying that, people who don't know we are trying hassle the bee-jesus out of us and I'm starting to take it to heart and get upset when they do - which is totally irrational, I know, but I still get teary!!

Def go with your heart... whatever makes you feel comfortable!!

it happens soon x

[Nelle]

I think if you can set some 'gentle guidelines' as Trill put it, and you think they'd follow them, then it could work. Perhaps if you ask that they don't be the ones to bring it up, or something.
Depends on if you think that's fair to them - as in, would your mum be dying to ask how you are and if you're okay but not be able to check? Or would you put a disclaimer that she could ask, but if you said that you didn't want to talk about it, then she had to drop it.
As others have said, you will have the best idea of what will work.

Do you have other trustworthy friends outside of your family you could confide in? Just thinking that with non-family, it's not quite as emotional an issue, a friend won't get all excited about grandchildren or anything, and might be a good sounding board without it keeping her up at night.

[entreat]

My mum went & told a bunch of people, and that really bothers me & DH. We've had two fails now & I'm tired of people that don't have ANY business knowing asking me. Add to that, they ask me at inappropriate times/places. I do not want work to know, and one clown insists on asking me on the work bus.

*breathe...*

OK, so if I could change it, and untell my mum, I would. She doesn't seem to think ICSI is the right way to go & ignores all advice to the contrary.

I guess telling your parents comes down to how well you know them & whether they are likely to be like my mum!

[bon]

We didn't tell family because we didn't want to be pestered with questions every month and also because, for us, it would have added an element of pressure. But I did tell a close friend.

[Lulliloo]

my big regret about ttc is telling people. i really wish that i didn't coz if you get emotional or put on weight or anything that could be a sign people assume you are preg and pester you.

[MamaPan]

i like trill's advice...
personally i wouldnt tell our families but that'smore our situation and the way i am. if you think it will be valuable to you to have their support etc then i would tell them... but set some guidelines as to how much involvement you want themt o have (ie asking qs) and how much you want to talk about it... and if you want them to not say anything to anyone make sure they know it!
good luck - i hope you get that BFP soon.

[LladyR]

my big regret about ttc is telling people. i really wish that i didn't coz if you get emotional or put on weight or anything that could be a sign people assume you are preg and pester you.

Exactly this. I've put on roughly 6kg in the past 6 months (ouch!) and frankly, didn't want people questioning it all the time.

The only two people that know we're actively TTC, are my best friend, and my sister. They both know not to pester :P

[MummyNaomi]

Its such a tough one - definately choose who you tell

Next time we TTC we will probably only tell our Best Friends (a couple), but thats it. The longer it takes TTC the more insensitive the questions got IMO. We found DH mother very nosy, and my Mum despite her best intentions was so upset for us when we were upset that it felt like another weight on our shoulders as we found the sympathy upset us more.

I hope it happens for you soon - sending baby dust your way

[Cassius2]

hi Michal!

as the others have hinted it is a tricky balance, and ultimately a choice that comes down to what you and DH feel comfortable with given the paticular circumstances of your family/ies.

in our case we kept our TTC very private (i suffered a m/c before we ttc and therefore felt more 'safe' keeping quiet on the whole topic). HOWEVER, i found it hard to 'laugh' through the whole 'when are you giving us grandkids' comments especially when we went past the 12, 16 and 18 month mark. so finally told my mum that we had been trying, for a long time and nothing was happening. confiding to her was, for me, the biggest relief and best idea. the pressure was off myself to be the strong one and be stoic. i could cry to her on the phone when yet again another bfn came my way. but mum was great, she didnt go blabbing to all and sundry (i think she told one of her close friends who also had trouble TTC in the past...but i was totally cool with that).

i guess in our case we were fortunate that not long after i fell pg with DD. in a way it was so so good to have mum know what we went through to get there ITMS. it made our annoucement feel extra special...

i guess what i am trying to say through our example is that if by telling your family that you are TTC it relieves some stress and loneliness then i'd say go for it; especially if you know that you'll have their understanding...and it doesnt hurt to clarify the 'rules' with them on who to tell/not tell and to ask them not to enquire all the time...i found my mum really respected that...

[calin]

From the POV of someone who's been trying for 2.5 years and is now classified as infertile ... I really wish I hadn't been so blase about answering people's nosey questions about whether or not we were TTC. We used to just laughingly brush it off before we started TTC, but when we started trying, I'd answer, "Well, we're not really TRYING, but we're not NOT trying, if you know what I mean (nudge nudge, wink wink)! As in, I was off the pill but we weren't charting, hanging upside down etc. I was convinced we'd be pregnant immediately. I never even dreamed that we wouldn't be able to conceive. Now, everyone probably realises we're having trouble, and I feel embarassed about ever having discussed something so personal with anyone who asked (my old boss, my workmates, aunts, cousins, etc, oh God, I'm cringing as I type this!).
Really, unless they're very close to you, what right does anyone have to ask/pressure you about your reproduction?? I wish I had just told people (politely and with good humour) that it was actually none of their business. As in, "Hey, I don't ask you about your sex life!" or "I have my hands full enough looking after my dogs!"
I might have still told my mum and sisters, but with strict instructions that it was between us only.
I don't want to scare you - and the odds are on your side that your fertility is fine - but in hindsight, this is what I wish I had done.