ungrateful older kids,dont even notice how much we do/pay/clean, contibuting to bills

[Tinks]

I totally agee with fourthontheway!

Stop doing everything that they don't acknowledge you do. They'll soon see just how much you do for them.


Can I ask how old your kids are?

I've read some of your other posts about this issue and while I sympathyse with you something sticks out to me.

To quote you:

I've given decades of my life to my kids and i'm feeling for my own health and progress i need to focus on myself, all areas of my life and not take them so seriously as they drain my health, and are so downputting. I feel gutted by their ungratefulness, tempers, rudeness taking without even realising how much they take etc. and truly i've had enough

To me it seems as though your kids are treating you this way because this is how you treat them. Perhaps you've unknowingly taught them to behave in this way.

[sue1386]

its a good theory to step back physcially and emotionally

in practice , some have extra needs and need support so they end up getting support even if they are in some ways a burden, or rude or unappreciative, unaware of how much time money everything takes, and at times i suffer from them being troubled, but i have compassion. a relative in my family was like that, mistreated, but always gave when she could. I am struggling with that. Its not what i want but it seems at times the best choice.

[AliBaby]

How old are your kids Sue?

[BrightSparkles]

I read your posts and honestly believe that you are stuck in a victim role. Until you stop playing this your kids are going to keeps treating you this way.

Yes - some people have extra support and in your case it's up to you to find these support rather than just giving up and thinking things are going to fall into your lap.
Being a parent is a hard job, but it's up to you how hard you make it.
I'm not going to reply to anymore posts here because I believe that you have been given so much information and it's now up to you to use the information the lovely girls here have provided you with.
I wish you the best of luck and hope you can work things out.

[skeetaboat]

Sue, every time someone suggests something you could do to make it better (and in almost all cases it's been very good, practical advice that works in all sorts of situations, like boundaries, rules, taking charge of what you will and won't do for others), you come up with a reason why you don't want to try the advice offered. This leads me to think that you're not really looking for ways you could change your situation and relationships, but rather, that you want things to stay as they are. You're not posting to get strategies or ideas to help your situation, just to vent, is that right?

[MrsFabuloso]

Sue, I too have read alot of your posts, but haven't responded to any as I didn't really know how to say what I have to say. But one thing always comes to my mind when I read your posts and that is a saying one of my bellybuddy friends told me, which is 'Nothing changes if nothing changes'. Meaning if you continue to leave things as they are, to be the same as it ever was, then it will always be the same as it ever was. Noone in your life has any motivation to change it, but you. You sound like you are the only one losing out in your life. You are the only one who can change any of it. I can understand it may be difficult with several children in tow, or children with special needs, and on your own too. But if you don't like your life the way it is, you need to change it. YOU need to put into place some strategies to follow, and do it. As I said, noone else has any reason, any motivation to change your life for you, everyone else has their own life and battles they are dealing with.
Big hugs to you, you sound like you're not feeling so great. It is really horrible to feel helpless, but until you realise that only you can help yourself (be it going to some sort of life coaching classes, or talking it out really honestly with your children), your life will continue to be what it alway has been.

[AliBaby]

its a good theory to step back physcially and emotionally

in practice , some have extra needs and need support so they end up getting support even if they are in some ways a burden, or rude or unappreciative, unaware of how much time money everything takes, and at times i suffer from them being troubled, but i have compassion. a relative in my family was like that, mistreated, but always gave when she could. I am struggling with that. Its not what i want but it seems at times the best choice.

I havent read your other threads but what exactly are there special needs. What type of support are they being given?

[Shades]

Sue, maybe I'm being daft, but I'm not sure why you keep posting new threads on the same topic? Why not just add new information to previous threads regarding this situation, that way the responders would have more background without you having to rehash it all every time...
There are at least three previous threads posted by yourself, with the same complaints and issues... and the same advice comes up every time. You either ignore it, give reasons why it won't work, or respond with 'that's your experience, not mine'... I'm unclear as to why you keep posting asking for advice when you don't seem to believe that other's experiences can have any bearing, or take the advice that is offered?
When you are asked questions that may help to give a clearer picture of your situation, you ignore these as well.
It's quite frustrating for those trying to help you.
Maybe if you put some info in your signature, like your children's ages, and the specific medical/support issues that each child has, just so we can keep better track and hopefully give more relevant responses

[Tinks]

I suppose I could call my kids are ungrateful too Sue, they have no idea waht I go through every day at work to make money for the things they need and want, they expect meals to be on the table, food to be in the pantry and clothes washed. They only think of themselves, they leave lights on in rooms they're not in and they waste food, they use the phone without asking etc. But they're kids and I am their mother, it's what we do.

I also understand your point about having nurtured them for many years with no thanks or appreciation on their behalf....I don't think I've ever thanked my parents for all they've done for me over the years - have you?

To me what is going on in your household is perfectly normal! All you can do from here is teach them to be more responsible for themselves. Perhaps start by giving them all a washing basket of their own and a roster for use of the washing machine or ask them to take turns cooking a meal every night.

Sue, I really think you and your family need some professional help for this. There's nothing else we here on BB can say to you that we already haven't. I hope your situation gets better.

[sue1386]

there are many reasons to post not just one

reminders of if there are boundaries or communication that could help

professional help has never helped or changed the path in our life it was a waste of time and money. i am not prepared to do more courses or counselling for selfish kids. i didnt find it changed anything. only them moving out changed my life, or me deciding moment by moment how much i want to keep my distance or be involved.

some things dont get solved fast dont have hard and fast solutions

pointing out things to be grateful for may help

part of it is 'part and parcel 'and ' what we do' as one mentioned it, but it is sometimes more than what we do when the finances arent there to support older kids and its not even appreciated, and we do so much and yet its not even remembered. part of that might be normal, it still pretty horrible and denergising demoralising and draining.

some people/children are easier to get along with than others

some situations are solved more easily than others

other situations are negotiated or examined over time and may or may not have hard and fast solutions but nevertheless reaching out and hearing what others say or are experiencing may be helpful.

i ahve seen posts on other forums about such things and about how much it works fo rkids to contribute financially, so its something on the mind of many.

one common stats for sole parents is that money goes down and so does discipline as if 2 people reinforce something they are heard much more than when one person tries to reinforce something and carry all else alone aswell. and often the one who is there doing everything is the one who also suffers the most from lack of appreciation for so much they do or any other fall out of difficult or troubled children.

it could be only when they have to run their own homes and finances alone will they appreciate how much time and money is involved.

[LimeSlice]

Sue, I have never seen any of your other posts that I can recall.
I have no knowledge of your family or your situation.

But my own mother is no longer here to say this to, and I wish she was - nobody ever said it enough when she was here:
Thank you. Thank you for sacrificing for your children, for all the late nights, the school camps, the dinners and lunch boxes, the shoulder to dry on, the clean washing, the vacuumed floors. The made beds and soccer games, the car trips and rescue missions at 2am, school books and Christmas presents. The handkerchiefs, the dentist visits, the hand holding, the birthday cakes...The polished school shoes, the Canteen Duties, the help with school projects the night before they were due, the shopping trips and hair cuts...Thank you for you love and support, your compassion and understanding, your faith and healing...And thank you for the knowledge you will do any and all until the end of days for your children.

I hope that they will realize how special mum is before it is too late.