My children have 2 grandparents - a paternal grandmother, who lives overseas; and a maternal grandfather, who is ravaged with disease, and if he wasn't, then probably wouldn't have any contact at all with him anyway due to past history. Even despite that, Charlotte has met him twice, Marley, well, he doesn't even know she is alive.

I do feel sad that the girls will miss out on the 'grandparent experience', mostly because I had such an amazing relationship with mine. My paternal grandparents lived with us for many years and helped raise us, and had a profound impact on my life. I am sorry my girls won't experience that unique relationship. I am angry that the one grandparent they had who could and would have been profound in their lives was stolen away by cancer, and I feel they have lost out.

But there is nothing I can do to change all that. I can't go back in time and make my grandfather *not* an ********. I can't undo the hurt and pain he caused and rebuild the family he broke with his lies and betrayl. I can't wish it away and I can't pretend it didn't happen. I CAN work through those issues and my response to that and how I deal with it in my life, and that has been invaluable to me.

I think Relationships Australia is a good place for you to start. You can find someone to talk to, it will be free for you, they are able to offer mediation services if you decide to go down that path also. But really the biggest bonus to you will being able to share some of these feelings and emotions you are experiencing, that you can't talk to other people about.

You are not inadequate.
You are not a failure.
You are enough.
You are an amazingly strong woman.
You are an inspiration.

Bilby will not miss out on having a grandparent unless you go out of your way to reinforce the idea that she is missing out on having grandparents. Yes, it is sad and upsetting that she doesn't have the relationship at the moment, but ultimately, if the only opportunity for that relationship existing presently is to introduce a toxic relation into the equation, then perhaps it is an experience that will be ruined for her anyway, iykwim.

Maybe this could be a great opportunity for you both to get out and build some new relationships and teach Bilby about giving back to her community. Is there a shelter or a soup kitchen anywhere near you? The Red Cross have a volunteers needed page on their website with all sorts of things you can get involved in. Your local community centre may also have things you can do. Often Hostels are happy to have you come visit with the residents.

We can't recreate our favourite childhood memories for our children, no matter how much we want to. Perhaps the hardest lesson we can learn as parents is that they will have their own memories, their own experiences and ultimately, their own story, that won't be anything like our own.

PS, DD1 isn't able to write fluent sentences yet, but she loves drawing pictures and things, and if Bilby would like a Pen Pal, I am certain Charlotte would love it too.