When a 6yo child has never met their grandparent . . .

[Gigi]

I don't know what sort of relationship breakdown occurred and whether or not there was physical or emotional abuse. But please tread carefully. I have been on the other side too and it was harder to understand limited contact than it was to understand none at all. It's our job to protect them after all. I see too many people subject their children to damaging grandparents just because they are family. And history repeats itself down the line. As someone who has no family there are worse things I could think of. I am very blessed. Without blood ties. And I know a lot of people who miss their own relatives who have passed away. Tell me ill regret it one day. No. I won't. I understand missing a loving relative. But unless you've walked a mile in my shoes loving an idea is very different to loving reality.

Rouge, i decided to "divorce" myself from my family in my early 20's, after physical and emotional abuse from 6-17. It was very hard to do. I had tried so hard to "bury" the hurt and swallow it, but it bubbled up in my life, even years after i had left the family home (at 17). When i was taken to hospital and was in a coma for months, the hospital contacted my "next of kin", who unfortunately, were my parents. So against my will and knowledge, they were introduced back into my life. When i came out of the coma, i was scared of them, but didn't know why. When my memories started returning, it was terrifying to find out why i was so scared of them. But i had no=one else to help me while i was in rehab (bring me what i needed) and i felt so vulnerable, couldn't speak at the time, so by default, they were in my life for a few months. once i was discharged back into the community, (they had spent my bank account, sold some of my belongings, ruined my car), i gradually got better and stronger, they became more abusive - old patterns returning - and so i cut them off again.

Bilby IS very lonely.
i have very few contacts, have not built a network for her, to be substitute family.
We have one relative, who is not very warm person, it's just her way. So we have random contact with her, but it's strained.
Bilby is very social. I am not. I can't cope with lots of noise, pets, the embarrassment of not being able to afford what everyone else is doing, the embarrassment of not being able to invite people to where we live, the embarrassment of all the begin to get to know you questions.
i organised a playdate for bilby last week, invited another child. i got the date wrong. We re-organised it for the correct date, i ended up bursting into tears when the child's mum asked me the inevitable "get to know you" questions. i force myself to do the playdate thing, for bilby, but it's not even neutral for me, it's very unpleasant.

i am very truthful about, both grandpas are deceased, daddy's mother is in old folk's home interstate. I say nothing about my mother. By using logic, one day bilby will put me directly on the spot. "so where is YOUR mother mum?".

When bilby was a baby, it was clear to me. She is vulnerable, i know what my mother is capable of. No way my mother is seeing her as a pre-verbal child. Now bilby is nearly six, speaks just fine to communicate. I've taught her child protection stuff and emphasise she can talk to me about anything, especially stuff she's unsure about and i will always listen to her.

So many misgivings, yes, so many fears that my mother will emotionally abuse me in front of bilby, and how torn bilby will feel. Wanting to connect with her grandma, but being upset that bad things are said about me - which will confuse her - she will want to know if it's true. And my self confidence is so splat, i won't be able to answer her like i should.

And my siblings, who stopped me from attending my own father's send off, they will be another dynamic that i won't know how to deal with. They are so angry at me, the reward for taking so many beatings, meant for my brother, ones my sister would have copped, if my mum hadn't locked her in a room for her own protection. Yes, it was me left alone with my dad. I was the oldest - psychologists tell me it's called "scapegoating". I felt like i was saving my siblings at the time, they were much younger and smaller. I still don't regret that.

[Miss_Dee]

I have never known or met my father's father. I don't remember when I was first told that he was abusive but I've always known that he was abusive and left when my dad was 10. I don't feel like I've missed out and should he ever reappear (which is highly doubtful) I have no desire to have anything to do with him.

DF and I have decided that at this time, Shoopy will have nothing to do with DF's mother. She's an alcoholic and sat by as DF was beaten as a kid. We told her when we started TTC, when I fell pregnant and when Shoopy was born, but told her that until she is sober and has been for a set period of time, she will have nothing to do with us or Shoopy. Unfortunately at this stage, her granddaughter isn't enough motivation to give up the bottle. Aside from not wanting Shoopy around an alcoholic, she is apparently quite nasty when she is drunk. We are not prepared to allow Shoopy to grow up in a toxic environment. We plan to tell Shoopy about her Nanna, and explain (to a point)why she doesn't see her. Obviously it will be in very simple terms to begin with (Nanna is sick and it makes her not very nice) and as she gets older we may then share more. There's no shock then, no surprise as to why this person isn't in her life. It just the way it is and that's normal, itms?

[Gigi]

the point, about IF i make contact, to do it JUST between my mother and me, so if it doesn't work out, bilby isn't in a position of "losing" a grandma - that is what i have suspected to. I think i ignored that idea, cos the reality is, if my mother and i could reconnect, if that's possible, it would take a long time - and so bilby would STILL be without a grandma for THIS xmas. And i suspect my mum would grill me immed, grill me about kids, and guess that i did have a child and bully me into telling her. She would be over the moon to have a grand-daughter (she has two other grandkids - boys and another grandchild on the way). The 2 current grandkids now live interstate, i can imagine my mother being rapt to have bilby in her life. I can imagine my mother pressuring me to introduce her to bilby, have sleepovers, unsupervised visits etc.

A big need to a counsellor to oversee/advocate/guide me and my mother thru this process - IF it ever comes to that. But i have no idea how to get that kind of help.

i go to jelly around my mother, cannot defend myself. All the post traumatic stress triggers happen, i feel totally vulnerable. Not the way bilby needs to see me. It would mess her up.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

So, Gigi, from what you say:

Your mother was abusive.
Your mother was unable to care for you when you were in a coma and could not be trusted even with your stuff.
Your mother would still abuse you if she could.
Your siblings will not help you.
Your mother makes you feel uncomfortable and you don't want to see her or have her bully you.
You don't want her to meet Bilby, you don't even want her to know Bilby exists.

Why, exactly, are you even considering reconnecting with her? Bilby really isn't missing out.

[Gigi]

she's the only grandma bilby actually has.

she's alive

bilby notices other kid's grandmas and grandpas and looks a bit envious

bilby would make a lovely grand-daughter

annual events are so lonely, just the two of us

the one relative i still have (an aunt), i had hoped, would become a grandma figure to bilby, but that's not working out

i don't feel like i'm enough for bilby

i would like her to have relationships with people of different generations

lots of things i am rubbish at, my mother is good at (e.g cooking) and i'm sure bilby would benefit from that, learn how to cook etc.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Gigi, Bilby's dad is the only dad Bilby has. He's alive. Does Bilby also envy other children their fathers? And Bilby makes a lovely daughter. Are you going to get back together with her father now? No. Well then.

For crying out loud, "she's alive" isn't a reason to stay in an abusive relationship, much less invite one back into your life. You are more than enough for Bilby, your lack of self-esteem is just not letting you see that.

As for the different generations and the cooking things - there is time for that. I know you dislike socialising, but far better to make a new relationship with a nice old lady than to resurrect an abusive one with a horrid old lady.

[Gigi]

you will really want to slap me FB, i constantly wonder, am i doing the right thing (with the breakup). WOuld bilby be safer (away from this dodgy suburb), living with her dad, if i made the decision that we should all live together again. I doubt myself about EVERYTHING.

my reasons (for the grandma part)
were not there, as GOOD reasons
they are just the things that i can come up with, when you asked the WHY question

you're right, my logic is entirely flawed

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Self-doubt isn't a bad thing, Gigi. And thinking "how can I make my child safer?" is not a bad thing either. Only you can decide if where you live is worse than letting Bilby see an abusive relationship is a normal one.

Hugs to you.

[Cass72]

So, Gigi, from what you say:

Your mother was abusive.
Your mother was unable to care for you when you were in a coma and could not be trusted even with your stuff.
Your mother would still abuse you if she could.
Your siblings will not help you.
Your mother makes you feel uncomfortable and you don't want to see her or have her bully you.
You don't want her to meet Bilby, you don't even want her to know Bilby exists.

Why, exactly, are you even considering reconnecting with her? Bilby really isn't missing out.

Exactly that. I think it's a no brainer really (sorry for sounding uncaring) but I don't think your daughter is missing out on anything.

[Gigi]

i have been searching for a "adopt a grandparent" scheme since i was pregnant, i found one in Victoria, but not one in my state. So i totally agree and am happy with a substitute grandma idea.

Limey, bilby cannot write yet, (only her name) but thanks for the penpal offer.

MRL, you are right on the money, i do feel ripped off, i know she made the decision, when i was six, to transfer the violence from herself to me. So her black eyes stopped, my bruises began. I miss having a positive mothering role model, i learnt what NOT to do to a child, but i feel lacking in what you DO DO for a child. Especially the being silly, having fun part of mothering. As i did not experience that. And as horrible as what happened to me was, when i went into labour and everything went wrong, i wanted my mum SO BAD. After bilby arrived, i wanted to show her to my mum SO BAD. I wanted to be able to show her photos to her grandma, instead of Facebook. I wanted her grandma to ooh and ahh over bilby reaching her milestones, making funny faces etc. Someone else to love her like i do.

i didn't have a kind loving grandma in my own childhood (1970's), but i did have two aunties who held family gatherings at their home eg birthday, xmas type events. The sense of belonging somewhere, wonderful food, getting to swim in a backyard pool with cousins, presents, hugs, knowing that every xmas you had somewhere to go, you would be missed if you weren't there and my own parents would act like Carol and Mike Brady, whilst at those events (somewhere i was safe). My own grandma was terrifying, physically and emotionally - so i totally get how my mum turned out to be how she is.

Growing up, i can see now, my family didn't have a network, people were kept away from the house, because they might see what no-one was meant to be seeing, stuff happening behind closed doors. Despite that history, i am replicating my parents, i'm not creating a network, for different reasons, but same outcome. Shame. Finding it so hard to trust other people, build relationships, feeling so different, too different to fit in.

i ran the "xmas day lunch for homeless people" idea a few years ago, was knocked back by charities who told me they had too many volunteers already, if i wanted that, i would have to put my name down very early in the year, to have a better chance of getting picked (which i keep forgetting to do - only seem to think of it round this time of year). Plus bilby's dad was dead against it, he said he didn't want bilby sitting next to homeless people, for her own safety.

[Mak]

Gigi, it is hard to trust others when you are taught not too. Be kind to yourself - sounds like you are giving Bilby a lot more than you are giving yourself credit for. xxxx

[Arcadia]

Remember bilby can still connect with your mum in her own way when she is older.

My grandma was a total cow and my mum limited contact. Sure I didn't understand it fully at the time, but I never noticed really. Then when I was getting married I decided to invite grandma. Old age had really mellowed her and I was glad to meet her again in that way. Sure I wished she was always loving and kind like that but I know she was mean to my mum and so I'm glad I didn't have to see that side of her (although I remember some pretty awful things from when I was really young).

Sorry for the ramble. I'm trying to point out that one day bilby will be an adult and can decide to have a relationship with your mum if she chooses, but in the meantime your job is to protect her especially when she is still so young and vulnerable