ladies,

Well tonight i sit here and still not really believing what has happened. I was told i was pregnant by the clinic 21st April hcg 235 then another bt 28th with hcg at 3090 - on Thurs evening i had a small bleed but lots of cramps and back ache , go for another bt on Frid and hcg down to 2095 and prog dropping, so we all know what that means. I get sent for a scan as doc is worried about ectopic, all that is found is an empty sac measuring 5wks and 4days, nurse rings this morning and says another scan next week to totally rule out ectopic. I really thought this was my turn , i had beautiful donor embryos from a lovely young 26yrs old couple, i just cannot believe this has happened to me again. I am really starting to believe that i will never ever be a mother, i have almost convinced myself of it. I still have two lovely embies waiting and will try again when i am allowed by doctor, but after that i have nothing left. I really don't think i have any energy or emotions left now, i feel so drained of this whole journey. I almost feel as if now i am a robot just going thru the motions, one minute sad and cannot stop crying the next i am well almost normal. I don't want to be a complete sad sack around people cause there is nothing worse for them, so basically i try to be happy in company and leave the sad parts to my alone time ( so hard to do sometimes). I thought i would be bleeding by now and my body would be expelling everything but i am still waiting, i have had cramps and lower back pain on and off but still nothing - i just wish is would all be over. Sometimes is wish this whole journey was over so i could know what the future holds for me, i feel as if the bubble of hope i have held onto for so long is now slippping thru my fingers - i just don't feel much hope anymore. I have got a so much in my life to be grateful for, i have a terrific husband, great extended family and good friends and not to mention my two beautiful dogs but how my heart aches for a child - it just does not seem fair sometimes and yet i hate that saying that it isn't fair. I am not an overly religious person but right now i am so angry at god - why is he testing me so - why is life testing me so - if it is to see how strong i am - i feel as if i am just about broken emotionally and there is not much left for this part of my life. God i really hate all this - i know i will feel better with time but you know it all just sucks so much. I think we all need to vent a little and i guess this is a bit of a vent right now - so i hope you all understand - i just feel like i want to go out into one of our paddocks and just scream at the top of my voice.