Am i pushing my child too far?

[paradise lost]

Hey, i'm jumping in late with a response - i did type a big reply earlier but my computer ate it when i hit Post...

Anyway, i was a gifted child and it looks like i have a gifted child myself. A few things stand out for me.

Do you think it's possible he cannot finish things under his own steam because he doesn't ever have to? Because you are there nudging him along/leading his activities (in the sense of getting the books etc.)? When i was a kid my parents didn't choose my activities, i did. It took them a while to do so, i can remember being about 3 and people coming over to have me read to them - i hated it, i felt under constant scrutiny and all the praise seemed empty because reading was easy for me and i didn't have to try. It left me feeling that "if they REALLY knew me they wouldn't like me anymore" because i knew exactly how hard i was trying - i.e. not at all hard. Eventually i refused to read anymore unless it was a very secure time when no one could possibly come and "catch" me. Once my folks twigged that i didn't like the scrutiny (they weren't being mean, they were just amazed at me) they let me choose what i learned about.

When i got going on my "Why?" questions my mum would say "i don't know, let's go to the library and you can find out" and off we would go. She would say "i'll get you back here in 40 minutes to take the books you want out" and i cannot tell you how many times i took out 6 books on my ticket and 5 on hers because i HAD to know about something. I got used to working FOR me, to find out what i WANTED to know, under my own steam. Safe in the knowledge that no-one was going to check up on me, i learned crazy amounts of information. Just the other day a friend who's about to begin his coppiceman qualification came over and as we walked through the park he mentioned he needed to collect leaves from 30 different trees and write them up with their latin names. I pointed out 17 from where we were stood, some of which i knew the Latin for. His mouth fell open, and he said "HOW do you know those" and you know what, i don't remember. Presumably at some point i wanted to know about how to recognise trees and plants. But all the things i learned on my own REALLY stuck and it gave me a life-long thirst for knowledge that doesn't need any external motivation.

The one-off lessons/only a few lessons rang a familiar bell to me. When i was a kid i was praised a lot. "You're SO smart" was what i heard all day. Problem was, i wasn't having to TRY to get those compliments. It was nice, i liked it, but i felt like a bit of a fraud. Then i would come across something i DID have to try for - like music (i read it great but played brass and woodwind BADLY, i discovered the classical guitar later in life and thank goodness, an instrument i've an aptitude for, at last! ) and i would give up. Why? Well because i'd heard forever "You're smart!" when i wasn't trying - i thought if i had to TRY something was wrong. Please consider, at 3 i was reading at a 5-year-old level, at 5 i was reading at a 9-year-old level, at 9 i was reading like a teenager - i NEVER had to try at any of that. I can remember my first riding lesson, i was DEVASTATED that at the end of an hour all i could do was walk and turn and stop - based on my experience with most academic things i thought i'd be jumping on the first day! I didn't get a B in anything until i was 15 and i practically had a nervous breakdown!

My mum did a few things to try to counteract that, and i've plans for many more for DD. We planted seeds. No matter HOW good you are at gardening seeds take the same amount of time to germinate, grow, flower, fruit. The process needs input - you have to keep on watering, tying up, weeding, and if you do it well you get flowers or beans ot whatever you planted - but there is no "do it, get instant reward/praise" that is so common when you're gifted. We (mum and now me) do plenty of focusless creative tasks - pictures scratched in mud or sand, playdoh creations, basically the longer you spend doing it (while enjoying it of course!) and the less permanent it is, the better - the point is to enjoy a PROCESS in the absense of any results. We went (and i now go) on walks through the countryside. Moving your body is so important and it calms the mind. You might find a 2-hour hike sees him, by the end, talking less and seeing more of the world. There is a danger, when your mind goes at 12million miles a second, that you'll miss the actual world you live in.

Re: chess - my dad had an electronic chess game. I lOVED playing (and sometimes beating) a computer, especially when it didn't matter to anyone but me and it got me interested in computer programming to boot! You can pick them up at carboot sales for buttons now, they're hardly Nintendo DS!

So this has been mammoth but to sum up - i think you KNOW you're pushing him too hard. Ultimately he might grow up to be a very clever man, but it's possible he will have awful memories of his childhood if you knowingly push him the whole time, and it's possible that being pushed through childhood will make him hate his intellect to the point that he NEVER EVER wants to use it. There's a difference between quenching a child's thirst for knowledge and drowning them in your own expectations.

He's on holiday just now, LET him do nothing. You say you have him working now because he's capable. I bet if i FORCED you to, you're capable of running 30km/day for a week. How do you think you'd feel about me if i did that though?

As an aside i think you need to look at what you wanted for yourself and work on making that happen for you. The trouble with living things out through other people is that they're NEVER going to be good enough, because they're NEVER going to be you. Pick your OWN goals to work towards, support your son in his desires to learn. Push YOURSELF.

Bx