Do you/can you hold grudges?

[Phteven]

Are you someone who holds grudges or do you let go easily?

Is it something that you can learn?

I have always been hopeless at holding grudges. Someone makes me angry (really, really angry) and I decide that's it! I'll never forgive them, I'll never be nice to them again and I'll bide my time and get my revenge. 10 minutes later I'll still be trying to hold the rage and 20 minutes later despite all my intentions I'll be ready to make-up

I used to think it was a good thing but it's occurred to me that people kind of take advantage of this, especially DH, he knows I can't stay ****ed for long so he knows that if he does something wrong that all will be forgiven after the initial explosion. DH is the opposite - he holds a grudge forever.

Can you learn to hold a grudge? I've noticed that lately I do stay grumpier longer (like a whole day sometimes) and I'm wondering if DH's grudge bearing abilities are rubbing off on me.

I have no idea if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

Yes, I'm generally a happy person because I can forgive but maybe if I was better at maintaining the rage I would be better at being assertive.

*shrug*

I dunno..... what are your thoughts on grudges & forgiveness? What is the happy medium? Should I work on my ability to stay cross?

[Muffy]

I cant hold a grudge either!

[Catastrophic]

I can, but it does depend on the situation, with OH he knows that I can't stay pi**ed for long, but when it comes to the MIL I will never talk to her or forgive her for as long as I am breathing...

Love MN ;-)

[Astrolady]

Yeah I think it depends on the situation with me as well. I can forgive someone and remain friends etc with them but it doesn't mean I will forget

[*Belle*]

Nope, my dad used to hold grudges for a long long time, and I made a pact with mum and my bro that we should never do that after he passed away.

The only grudge I have held was with my dad's bro who didnt speak to my dad for years before he died due to my grandmothers estate, when dad got sick with cancer he didnt want us to tell his brother so we called him only after dad died. It was very hard to see him and talk to him after how much he hurt my dad.

[~Kim~]

No, but that's a conscious choice I make.
I fail to see how wasting energy being angry/brooding over something can be productive for anyone's mental health. If it's serious enough to be rehashed, then hopefully that can be productive and problem solving as opposed to feeding the demons IYKWIM?
Totally agree with Sopdet too.

[MrsFabuloso]

Nope I'm terrible at holding grudges. I am a very forgiving person and hate to feel uptight or cranky at people. If I don't like you I won't hang around with you. If I have a problem with you I will sort it out. That's that. Like Kim, I just don't have the energy to waste on such a fruitless thing.

[Astrid]

I tend to hold fewer grudges these days. My emotional well has many drains on it these days and holding grudges required emotional energy.

These days I don't exactly forgive and forget. I just move on. There are times when I will remember that something made me quite angry, but if there is nothing I can do I just move on after (of course after having a little grumble).

There are some people I will never forgive for past actions, but these people are no longer in my life.

[Arimeh]

Depends what it is. If its just DH being stupid and pi$$ing me off, then I get over it pretty quick.

If its a friend or online saying something that offends me, I move on pretty quick from it.

If it was something done to me, or someone abusing my friendship - I don't hold a grudge, but I don't hold any respect for them, and therefore will have nothing to do with them. I harbour no anger towards them, its more like indifference I suppose.

If its something done to my children - I'll rip their friggin head off. Then they'll probably hold a grudge against me!

[Muffy]

Depends what it is. If its just DH being stupid and pi$$ing me off, then I get over it pretty quick.

If its a friend or online saying something that offends me, I move on pretty quick from it.

If it was something done to me, or someone abusing my friendship - I don't hold a grudge, but I don't hold any respect for them, and therefore will have nothing to do with them. I harbour no anger towards them, its more like indifference I suppose.

If its something done to my children - I'll rip their friggin head off. Then they'll probably hold a grudge against me!

yeah that!!

[sloane]

i get angry/fired up quickly but have trouble staying that way. i tend to get over it quickly. i don't really hold grudges but keep in mind what a friend told me once after i got well & truly burnt by a friend - look for the best in people (friends) but know their worst.

[buffy1]

Same here sloane.

I'm a wuss when it comes to confrontation though, I hate it and always end up apologising first so we can move on.

It takes so much energy to maintain anger. Life's too short for grudges IMO.

[indie24]

When I was younger I held grudges for ages (ok try years) but I find as I get older I tend to let go. Now I just let go. Its not worth the effort.

[Just Me]

No, I'm am not good at holding grudges in the wanting revenge kind of way. At times, people's behaviour means that I am more wary of them but that is usually if I don't understand their behaviour/response and it seems inappropriate.

The times when I have gotten angry and decided that's it, I won't have anything to do with them etc etc ... I usually do a backflip in my feelings once I start to see things more from their side. Most of the time, when someone offends me, it wasn't what they set out to do. I believe most people make poor behaviour choices for a reason - there is usually more to it. I don't think most people go about with ill intentions towards other people ...

Having said all that, we don't have anything to do with my PIL. I am not holding a grudge though - I feel terrible that it has come to this. We did give them the benefit of the doubt for a long long time and tried to see their reasons. In the end it was because they really just didn't care about us and it was hard to accept that. We don't have anything to do with them because it is too stressful and harmful to us though they see that we are punishing them and taking revenge. We are not trying to get revenge, we are just trying to protect ourselves. I wish them no harm and I desperately wish it could have all worked out so differently.

Actually, I read an interesting book a few years ago called 'Total Forgiveness' and it made some interesting points about forgiving other people. One of the things it said, was that when someone hurts us, we try to punish them by talking to others about them. We try to make other people see that person the same way that we see them - lowering their reputation in the eyes of others. I was shocked to see it articulated in a book because until that point, I hadn't realised how much I did that to 'punish' people who have upset me.

It says forgiveness is letting go of a debt that someone has to you emotionally. Letting go of that 'right' to punish them by talking about them behind their back. It is a choice that we sometimes need to make over and over again ... not just once. Everytime we feel negative feelings rising about that person, we have to make a choice to forgive them.

I have gone off on a forgiveness tangent, but it is the flip side to holding a grudge so I do think it is possible to change either way. I think forgiving someone who has really really hurt you can be a choice and you can learn to forgive but I do think it is all about training your brain.

Here is a list of what the book says forgiveness is and forgiveness is not ...

What Total Forgiveness Is Not.
1. Approval of what they did.
2. Excusing what They did.
3. Justifying What they did.
4. Pardoning what They did.
5. Reconciliation.
6. Denying What They did.
7. Blindness to what happened.
8. Forgetting.
9. Refusing to take the wrong seriously.
10. Pretending we are not hurt.

What Total forgiveness is:
1. Being aware of what someone has done and still forgiving them.
2. Choosing to keep no record of wrongs.
3. Refusing to punish.
4. Not telling what they did.
5. Being Merciful.
6. Graciousness.
7. It is an inner condition- total forgiveness must take place in the heart or it is worthless.
8. It is the absence of bitterness.

Some good food for thought if nothing else

[Catastrophic]

I can, but it does depend on the situation, with OH he knows that I can't stay pi**ed for long, but when it comes to the MIL I will never talk to her or forgive her for as long as I am breathing...

Love MN ;-)

I thought I would clarify this a little more, since I wrote it quickly before dinner. If it's something little, I'll forgive quite easily,

it also depends on the relationship between the person to, someone that I am very close to if they really hurt me I would be more upset, but more likely to forgive (situation depending), but if it was someone that I wasn't close to it properly wouldn't bother me as much, but I would hold a bigger grudge?!? it would be easier to end the friendship.

The only grudge I have ever kept is the one with my MiL (going on 1.5yrs), she put my kids in danger, and like I said, I would never forgive her, I don't think I ever could.

I see a bigger 'problem' if my kids are involved. If it's just to do with me, I would be more forgiving.

Love MN ;-)

[FabFiona]

IAbsolutely. I am an excellent holder of grudges. Then again, I work in politics so this is probably to be expected.

I agree they can take up lots of energy so they have to be worth it. Also, the person I hold a grudge against generally doesnt agree that they've done the wrong thing.

The only grudge I hold at the moment has been going on about 4 years now. This bloke in my wider peer group did the wrong thing by one of my close girlfriends. Very bad stuff. So we, as good members of the sisterhood cut him off. I still see him around at work stuff but we don't speak. I made it clear to him that I wouldn't be acknowledging his existence again unless he apologized and made amends (there was more swearing in the real version). And that was it - completely fresh aired after that.

I can forgive when people want to be forgiven. But when they don't think they've done the wrong thing then that's it - dead to me.

ETA - I don't waste emotional energy over this stuff. They are generally not worth it.

[peanutter]

I don't hold grudges, but I do put a "full stop" in a realtionship from time to time.

With any minor ti*** I may with DH, I'm not going to divorce him over it, so at the end of the day, I'm going to forgive him and whether it's today or in a week, the only real difference is that *I* will be miserable and grouchy and cold shoulder-yfor longer if I hold out, so I might as well forgive him sooner rather than later ... and he forgives quickly and completely, and so I might as well forgive him now, and be happy!

Other people, particularly those I'm not as emotionally invested in, if there's a recurring offence, or something serious, I may forgive them, I will "do right" by them (ie: not backstab or fester discontent against the) but I may well cut off all ties from them. Life is too short for poo-headed "friends".

I want to spend as much time as possible with people I love, and meeting new people to love. Time is a limited resource.

So no, I don't hold grudges, but I do choose to end friendships and acquaintences sometimes. Even more so, now that I'm responsible for J-man's well being.

HTH

[~Hestia~]

I hold grudges. I have improved since becoming a mother but am still working on not holding onto hurts and forgiving easier than I do though.

I should add - it doesn't mean I stop talking to people. I just don't forget what has happened entirely which can colour my perspective on things.