No, I'm am not good at holding grudges in the wanting revenge kind of way. At times, people's behaviour means that I am more wary of them but that is usually if I don't understand their behaviour/response and it seems inappropriate.

The times when I have gotten angry and decided that's it, I won't have anything to do with them etc etc ... I usually do a backflip in my feelings once I start to see things more from their side. Most of the time, when someone offends me, it wasn't what they set out to do. I believe most people make poor behaviour choices for a reason - there is usually more to it. I don't think most people go about with ill intentions towards other people ...

Having said all that, we don't have anything to do with my PIL. I am not holding a grudge though - I feel terrible that it has come to this. We did give them the benefit of the doubt for a long long time and tried to see their reasons. In the end it was because they really just didn't care about us and it was hard to accept that. We don't have anything to do with them because it is too stressful and harmful to us though they see that we are punishing them and taking revenge. We are not trying to get revenge, we are just trying to protect ourselves. I wish them no harm and I desperately wish it could have all worked out so differently.

Actually, I read an interesting book a few years ago called 'Total Forgiveness' and it made some interesting points about forgiving other people. One of the things it said, was that when someone hurts us, we try to punish them by talking to others about them. We try to make other people see that person the same way that we see them - lowering their reputation in the eyes of others. I was shocked to see it articulated in a book because until that point, I hadn't realised how much I did that to 'punish' people who have upset me.

It says forgiveness is letting go of a debt that someone has to you emotionally. Letting go of that 'right' to punish them by talking about them behind their back. It is a choice that we sometimes need to make over and over again ... not just once. Everytime we feel negative feelings rising about that person, we have to make a choice to forgive them.

I have gone off on a forgiveness tangent, but it is the flip side to holding a grudge so I do think it is possible to change either way. I think forgiving someone who has really really hurt you can be a choice and you can learn to forgive but I do think it is all about training your brain.

Here is a list of what the book says forgiveness is and forgiveness is not ...

What Total Forgiveness Is Not.
1. Approval of what they did.
2. Excusing what They did.
3. Justifying What they did.
4. Pardoning what They did.
5. Reconciliation.
6. Denying What They did.
7. Blindness to what happened.
8. Forgetting.
9. Refusing to take the wrong seriously.
10. Pretending we are not hurt.

What Total forgiveness is:
1. Being aware of what someone has done and still forgiving them.
2. Choosing to keep no record of wrongs.
3. Refusing to punish.
4. Not telling what they did.
5. Being Merciful.
6. Graciousness.
7. It is an inner condition- total forgiveness must take place in the heart or it is worthless.
8. It is the absence of bitterness.

Some good food for thought if nothing else