I think sometimes it is (not always).
I have seen this behaviour in me, and I think (for me) it was a self-confidence issue.
One paragraph in Kelly's article stood out for me -
This is what I took from my childhood. And it's one of the reasons that I invite my children to voice their opinions, even at the expense of other thinking I am raising argumentative kidsObviously, it's not safe to vent such rage directly. We'd be called selfish, bad, out of control. And we'd likely be yelled at, or even punished physically--another reminder that our bond with our parents was fragile and easily ruptured by any blunt expression of anger. It's only reasonable that we'd be afraid to overtly let our frustrations be known. For it's way too anxiety-producing to take what feels like our survival into our own hands, to offend those on whom we most depend.- I want them to know how to voice their feelings, and to know it's ok, I will still love them.
I've probably seen the most PA behaviour (in myself) in my relationship with XP & DH - Lulu's dinner example was a classic, plus I was a champion 'sulker' - and two things have made a difference. One is purely & simply my relationship with DH & that I have learnt that although he might not like me being unhappy with him, he'll get over it & it's much better if he knows what he's done wrong (rather than me sulking & he having to guess).
The other thing is I have had people in my life (friends) who were great communicators & very assertive, and I learnt that I really liked knowing exactly where I stand with them. So I make an effort now to treat other people the same way - to be emotionally honest.
So I don't see it as evil, only because I have seen it in myself, I have an idea where it comes from, and I have been able to recognise it & change it.
I know there are some people who would utilise this and be truly nasty & manipulative (I have had dealings with some of them, as have many of us) but I don't think the bahviour in itself is necessarily evil - if someone is treating you 'evilly' there might be other stuff going on there (manipulation for example) as well IYKWIM?
ETA - it might be that there are different types of passive aggressiveness? there are a lot of different interpretations as Rouge said, in this thread alone. Some of the examples here are pretty nasty - when I talk about passive agressive I mean sulking, with-holding, that kind of behaviour. Making people suffer without 'doing' anything (not even *****ing behind someone's back - to me that is not PA, that is just wrong. I dunno, just thinking... so that would be why I don't see it as evil and others do.





- I want them to know how to voice their feelings, and to know it's ok, I will still love them.
) but I don't think the bahviour in itself is necessarily evil - if someone is treating you 'evilly' there might be other stuff going on there (manipulation for example) as well IYKWIM?
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