Why is it we blame the community and not the people or better yet ourselves?

[Kazbah]

/me swipes christy's share of chocolate cake.

mwaaaaaaaaaaaa

[onthefly]

I'll take the cake thanks.

I think we all feel that BB is "ours" and that's why sometimes things come to a head when we feel at odds with the consensus (even if it's just one particular discussion in one particular thread). Don't mess with what's mine!

But cake is more important I think

[Glamourcide]

Pretty much everything Kazbah said. What I take from her post (and I apologise if this is totally NOT where you were going with yours, Kaz!) is that places like BB are my 'safe places', my support network, where I have friends and know the 'system' and feel like I can come here whenever I need help, advice, a friendly ear or to share what's going on in my IRL life, as well as be a part of a community that is full of women (and men) I hold in very high regard - it makes me feel good to be 'one of them' and to help others the way they've helped me.
Then, when I see 'the system' changing or an influx of new people arrive and find that my 'safe place' is becoming something different to what I have known it to be, yeah, I get angsty about it. I'm a creature of comfort and habit and I prefer things to just stay the way they always were in that sort of sense. It bugs me that the whole attitude and direction of a familiar place (or people) can seem to slowly do a 180 and suddenly I'm like, 'Where am I?'

The past week or so has been, to use Kazbah's word, 'scandalous' - I've missed some of the goings-on but what I *have* seen happen, I feel sad about. This isn't what I joined BB for, this isn't who I want us as a community to be. And yet here we are. Is that a problem with me making assumptions or projecting something about myself onto a 'faceless' website, or is it that it *is* the 'fault' of the community somehow? I don't know, I'm still sorting through the events of the past week or two and coming to a conclusion on that.

I guess for me, the urge to blame the 'community' rather than individual members is there just because it's easier to take issue with a group rather than an individual - of course there are members of this board that I have butted heads with in the past and surely I will continue to find people I just don't gel with purely because it's human nature and we can't get along with all the people, all of the time. Some usernames, they pop up and I cringe... 'Ugh, *this* person again?' but there's no point in me 'taking it up' with these people as the disputes I have had with them are either long past (and we're 'over it') or I just don't count them as being worthy of my effort, so I don't bother.
In that sense, it's easier for me to lay the blame at the foot of 'the system' or the community itself because my petty issues with individuals are so insignificant in the big scheme of things - why bother them by telling them what I think of them or what they have said that has put me offside when really, it's just going to make them feel bad? They have the right to an opinion same as I do, I'm not going to punish them for feeling or saying whatever they like.

Ummm... this is just turning into a big ramble. But it is how I feel about things I just don't like it when my 'happy place' is being 'threatened', whether it be by a general shift in attitudes (which I know is natural) or certain people coming in and stirring things up, itms.

[Rouge]

Very eloquently put Ms D. I think you've explained yourself very well not rambly at all.

I guess for me I see our community like any other... almost like a school yard if you will. There are many different types of people, and some stick together and some don't and then there are the ones that regardless of the clothes they wear, or the beliefs they hold they flit to and from them all. And sometimes the loudest group shiats off the rest and sometimes everyone joins in and makes fun out of it. But in the end when there is a crisis they are all there to hold each other up no matter what.

But I guess like school I didn't hate school because of certain groups, trends or waves. I hated the trend/wave or group.

When it comes to scandals, I hate them because it really brings out the worst in people and like the bog of eternal stench one foot in it and you'll smell bad for the rest of your life. So I run far from them.

[Liz]

I guess for me I see our community like any other... almost like a school yard if you will. There are many different types of people, and some stick together and some don't and then there are the ones that regardless of the clothes they wear, or the beliefs they hold they flit to and from them all. And sometimes the loudest group shiats off the rest and sometimes everyone joins in and makes fun out of it. But in the end when there is a crisis they are all there to hold each other up no matter what.

I see it like that too

I agree with other posters about it being a general shift in attitude/behaviour that is easier to get upset with rather than individuals. There are a few people who I too cringe at when I see they've posted. But I've never had an ignore list! Wow... so some of you have a long ignore list?? I think that in itself speaks quite loudly about the "community" here, and I think that's a bit sad that members are being ignored I'm pretty unphased by things as well. Some threads get me thinking and I let myself get involved, but I'm rarely upset by anything I read or debate about. Water off a duck's back

I do think tho that it's fair enough to be upset about the feel of a community as a whole. We often hear of people leaving mother's groups/playgroups because they didn't like the general feel of the group, not necessarily the individuals, just that little community in general. Some people don't like going to clubs because they don't like the general feel of that group of people or the way things are "done" there. If someone doesn't like the way the things are "done" here or the way people behave here, I think that's fine. I think it's a bit silly to persevere and keep hanging out here if it's really upsetting you. Move on and find a place that does work for you.

And back to the school yard analogy.. yes, there is school yard politics and that's not laying blame with the school, but if you are unhappy with the way the school is run or it's philosophy, or the way it handles situations, then it IS the school, so you either give it some more time or you change schools. Not really different to which parenting forum you decide to frequent

ETA: just realised I didn't think about the 'blaming ourselves' bit. Will be back after some thought

[ElleJay]

TBH, I've basically quit contributing because most of what I say is ignored. But I've also quit contributing because I've found that I get upset if I don't like what someone has said in reply. But that's why I had a few weeks break, because I knew that things online were getting to me, I needed to step back and take time for myself, turn the computer off and enjoy my DS.

[Kazbah]

TBH, I've basically quit contributing because most of what I say is ignored. But I've also quit contributing because I've found that I get upset if I don't like what someone has said in reply. But that's why I had a few weeks break, because I knew that things online were getting to me, I needed to step back and take time for myself, turn the computer off and enjoy my DS.

I get what you say DD, it really feels like that sometimes. Like there's an agenda and people aren't interested if you're outside that. But then you sometimes get a suprising comment made elsewhere that references your thoughts, and that's a huge compliment.

[ElleJay]

I get what you say DD, it really feels like that sometimes. Like there's an agenda and people aren't interested if you're outside that. But then you sometimes get a suprising comment made elsewhere that references your thoughts, and that's a huge compliment.

EXACTLY!!
I feel it's all getting so clicky and that if you not in a 'group' or a 'clique' that your an outsider and that your opinion is overlooked and just tossed to the side.
Unfortunately, that's how I've felt for... oh, about 5 - 6 months now and I've just had enough, hence the reason for not contributing much anymore. I say my congrats to those who announce a pregnancy and a birth, and offer hugs to those going through tough times because I know they like to know that someone is thinking bout them (which I often do. I often wonder how specific ppl - like BG - is going lately with their dramas)
But, I've stopped making threads (except for the BA that I posted for cherished and the soon to be BA for Miss K) because I just don't wanna put my foot in it.

I guess I've never said anything good, because no-one has ever referenced me in anything (unless you mean quoting)

[Junglemum]

i dunno, it takes a bit to phase me, i generally shake me head and step away if something is going to get my back up. Not IRL mind you, but i don't really like arguing/discussing seriously over the computer. I rely heavily on facial expressions, body language to read a person's intentions behind their words. I find on the computer i often don't see where some posts/threads are coming from. And i suppose that is one of the reasons for people getting their backs up about things, it's easy to take things the wrong way on a computer screen. For example, i know sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but it comes from deep inside me and i can't control it! I am a smart arse by nature. People who have met me, generally 'get' me, but i find often others don't. I don't really connect with people on-line. Maybe b/c i don't offer much of myself to cyber space.
Anyway i digress....

I have noticed when people are feeling vulnerable, a little on edge, upset, they react much more strongly to things that perhaps when they are feeling stronger and more confident they'd let go iykwim. If i'm feeling down, i avoid posting, some people post more. Guess we're all different.

And i have to say Kaileysmummy, i admit to shaking me head at a few of your posts , please forgive my honesty, but i stand up and applaud your one in this thread. Good on you.

To be honest i haven't really noticed a shift in attitude, maybe that's the whole mushroom thing again. But i honestly think if an on-line forum is upsetting you and effecting your daily life then maybe you need to think about stepping back a bit.

[Glamourcide]

If i'm feeling down, i avoid posting, some people post more. Guess we're all different.

I'm exactly the same on that one, Junglemum. Many's the time I've had to step away from the computer for anything from a few hours until I've cooled down, to a few weeks when I'm going through some IRL stuff and find that online stuff is just adding unnecessary stress and I'm not feeling capable of handling it in the best way I can. I'm very proud to be able to say this, as it's not something I would have done just a couple of years ago - I have had to learn that the world isn't going to end if I don't get the last word, that things blow over and nobody is going to sit at their computer months later laughing behind my back that I was the coward who bowed out of a discussion when I had flared up and been shot down, itms. I've learned when to hold my tongue and ignore something that's irritating me rather than taking the bait.

Thanks, Rouge To follow on from your schoolyard analogy, I have to say that I agree - although in my case (and here I am actually talking about my school years and not a forum lol), I did find fault with particular groups rather than individuals - ie, I have a problem with Kelsey and Sarah, but instead of being mad at just them, I'll hate on their whole group just because they're 'guilty by association' or the girls' friends will either sit back and watch them pick on me, or will join in, itms. In high school, I did end up changing schools because at the time I felt that I had zero support from anybody - so I decided that the abuse to which I was being subjected was not only the fault of the perpetrators themselves, but I blamed every other pupil AND the teachers and admin because not one of them stepped in to help me when I was vulnerable, itms... so I guess I can understand why it's common for people to fault a whole community rather than take issue with particular individuals, especially if they feel that they're being 'ganged up on', so to speak. Why aren't other individuals stepping in to speak up for me? Why is everybody either sitting idly by and watching this occur, or jumping on the bandwagon and hurting me as well?

[Phteven]

hmmm, I'm not sue that I agree that BB has changed a great deal. I think that people change and they assume that the change is with BB when it's actually with them. Since I've been here we've grown a lot (numerically) and become less focused on the 'earth mothery' stuff. Now we have spaces for parenting routines & programs, c-section support, formula feeding support and a whole heap of other niche areas. Even though the forum has grown in all these ways I think that on the whole the philosophy of providing a safe space for parents to discuss parenting remains. Nothing is closer to a parent's heart than their children so a parenting forum is bound to see emotions running high sometimes, which means that there is a fine line to tread between allowing an adult discourse and keeping the forum peaceful.
Me, I don't blame the community. I put myself through uni working in bars and nightclubs so I know very well that 'there is one in every crowd' and when the crowd is large like BellyBelly is then there will be more than one. I guess to me the thing that is puzzling is those members who feel that they have to go on a mission to change BB and do so by trying to stir up other members and rally support for their 'cause'. I really don't understand their motivation.

Rouge, I'm disappointed by the lack of daisy chains and kumbaya but that's ok because I've got Sunshine and Lolliops....

ETA - maybe I do have my days where I blame the community.I certainly have found myself thinking 'why the hell does everyone take things so personally?' when really I should be thinking 'oops so and so took that really personally maybe I should try to remember that next time'.

ETA 2 - I don't have an ignore list. I don't need one. If I don't like a person I find it hard to interact with them.

[Inanna]

Yep I'm another under the Bodhi tree in my tie dyed skirt, plaits, kumbaya, peace pipe & yes daisy chains...

[Liz]

oh... and on a side point... I didn't think mods/admin would have ignore lists? How does one get on these? I could let loose and no mods would see! hahahah

[Phteven]

oh... and on a side point... I didn't think mods/admin would have ignore lists? How does one get on these? I could let loose and no mods would see! hahahah

We'd still be able to read the reports about you

[diannescruffy]

The BB community is like family away from family. When our family hurts we hurt with them. Often DS will come home with mates right on dinner time, DH and myself have eaten less to give to them, his friends are his community. When we feel someone within our community is being hurt by others words we want to protect them, we want to protect our community.

Regards,
Dianne

[Rouge]

And I'd just like to say I'm not talking about any particular situation here, so lets not make it about one thing iykwim? I'm just talking overall.

But do you hate your community if you are hurting Dianne? I don't get the relevance sorry (too much chocolate cake I think )

[Kazbah]

I think it's very easy to hate the community if you are hurting, as the community is a mirror to yourself. And often if you're hurting, you lash out, and hate what you've done. And hate those who've witnessed it.

I wasn't a popular kid in school. I am used to being on my own. And like Junglemum my humour is mostly one-liners and sarcasm - which can work well when you're seeing someone's face mid-delivery.

Glamourcide - yes, that is what I was trying to get at.

[Inanna]

I've learned for me if I am reacting badly it's stirred up something inside me that needs to be looked at. I personally would like to thinkt hat that is what BB does. It makes us think. Stirs up some of our stuff so we can see it more clearly. It's a mirror.

"When we see men of a contrary character, we should turn inwards and examine ourselves."

Confucius (551-479 BC)