Why is it we blame the community and not the people or better yet ourselves?

[PumpkinZulu]

Glam that's what I was getting at too and starting to learn; that the discussion or whatever is happening will still go forth and everything. Will. Be. Okay. if I *don't* contribute kwim? That and stepping back and having a breather.

[PumpkinZulu]

Fwiw I don't have an ignore list, I don't write people off that easily, and if I realllly don't want to read what someone has to write, I just flat out ignore that post. Even if I am replying to a thread, I will just not respond to a particular person. But if people want to have one, why not? Whatever helps us enjoy our community to the full.

[Ozziehoffy]

Fwiw I don't have an ignore list, I don't write people off that easily, and if I realllly don't want to read what someone has to write, I just flat out ignore that post. Even if I am replying to a thread, I will just not respond to a particular person. But if people want to have one, why not? Whatever helps us enjoy our community to the full.

Ditto... I pick my places to reply or not reply cos I know that sometimes it's not worth it. If I choose to reply it usually takes a really long time to get it worded in such a way that it's not attacking but saying what I need to say. Oh and ... lol I didn't even know there was an ignore list

[Arcadia]

I didn't know about ignore lists either!!

I find I draft more posts than I submit iykwim? Sometimes if I feel provoked I might write a response to 'have my say' but then hit cancel instead...I really don't see the need in replying unless some value can be added.

I like the idea than glamourcide raised about bb being a safe place, a special place and I can see that in the way many people post- forging friendships, making supportive posts and giving rep points, assigning pig's etc.

I tend to use bb to challenge my thinking, so I think I can be guilty of rocking the boat...but that bevauseci have never met such a bunch of intelligent, supportive and loving people! You all rock.

I also tend to remember the names of those I like and forget those I don't click with too. I hate the idea someone would cringe at anothers name...but then again, it's not a popularity contest, and sometimes I think people find it hard to remember this...especially when those threads emerge about 'who you know' etc

[Rouge]

Way to go for making me feel bad for needing to preserve my sanity Liz!

I'm probably one of the few people that do. But it was a necessity I'm still human after all. If that makes me a bad person so be it. I am happy to admit I have weaknesses and biting when offered the bait is one. Maybe one day when I'm stronger I'll be able to do away with the list, but just like ban me list the ignore list is there for those who don't have the personal restraint.

[Liz]

nah... don't feel bad Rouge. We all do what we gotta do I don't have a problem with ignore lists and why they are there... was just thinking out loud about them and the whole community thing really. Hadn't thought about it much at all before now. The last time I thought about the ignore lists was when I got a PM from someone telling me they were putting me on their ignore list. Was very polite of them I must say PMSL. Don't think they are on BB anymore so I must have really scared them away! Still makes me laugh actually.. that was a long time ago now.

[Phteven]

lol @ the ignore PM.

I had an ignore list on another forum but everyone on it ended up getting banned so I stopped bothering.

[Astrolady]

Well for me I hid for cover when BB got more than 50 members on it.
Being an Administrator I feel bad at times cause I seriously don't know who a good majority of you are, and by that I mean I wouldn't know who your kids are ( if you have any ) or even significant others. Then if you have a username change, you've lost me again LOL. As for your personal stories....forget it

I actually had to get other Administrators to explain to me what was going these last few days. I came onto BellyBelly and to me it felt like a train wreck. I wanted to look but just keep on moving as well. For the majority of train wrecks that is exactly what I do. The ever gorgeous Admin team know that and as I have said to them before, they are so much better at putting together a nicely worded post to get stuff back onto track, than what I am.

You don't see me posting on the forums that much, as seriously I feel like I am just butting in. So yes looking inside I only have myself to blame. I am done with kids, pregnancy, breast feeding and I don't get into debates as I have enough to cope with in everyday life. So what's left?

I don't hate the BB community for it. I hate myself for letting myself get to that stage. But you all keep me busy in your own unique ways

[Kazbah]

I'm probably one of the few people that do.

That's only cause you're one of the few who know how to do it!!

[Catastrophic]

Not at all Rouge - I have been wondering how to use the ignore function for quite some time - and now i know it'll be getting a work out - just to stop my blood from boiling and make my BB experiance better.

And yes Liz it still works like that :-) I like it like that as it gives me more self control then :-)

I think we blame the community because it is easier - point blank - the easiest option is to blame a hwole, then to actually sit down with yourself and think about why certain people make you feel the way that you feel or more so why YOU react the way you do. Who wants to blame themselves? Much easier to blame a community.

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

I definitely get different 'vibes' from BB at different times. For the past couple of weeks its kinda felt dead to me, nothing exciting happening (from my perspective), just the same old posts. Then yeah, the train wreck of the past few days. And slowly it's turning into the lovefest that always happens after the trainwrecks. All in a cycle

I hafta admit to blaming the community as a whole sometimes. For instance, I find it very overwhelming and confronting when I've said something in a thread and suddenly everyone's on top of me, saying I'm wrong. More often than not, I've used the wrong word and mean something completely different to what I've said, but it's like I'm drowning and can't catch my breath, and I feel like I'm not given the chance to explain myself. This has only happened twice that I can think of, and if I start to get that feeling from threads these days, I just won't even bother posting. It's not that I think my opinion isn't worthy of being in the thread, it's more that I'm scared of the backlash. I know its totally my issue, and I know that when it happens it's not anyones intention to beat me down.

With the ignore list, I've only ever considered it for, I think 3 members? As in truly, deeply considered it. I've never done it though, because I kinda feel that I would be giving up on myself and my chance for personal growth, and that if someone's annoying me that much that I need to 'ignore' them, there's something wrong in me y'know? After butting some SERIOUS head with one member, I was ready to ignore her, but I ended up PMing my response rather than putting it on the board, and made a smartass comment about knowing she wouldn't care how her posts were coming across but I had to tell her anyway - and she was genuinely upset that her posts were coming across that way. I wouldn't say we're best of friends now, but I don't cringe when I see her name, so that's a plus I guess

I also tend to hold myself to a MUCH higher standard than I would hold anyone else, be it on BB or anywhere else. For instance Rouge, when you say you have an ignore list to preserve your sanity, I agree with you and I think it's a great idea. But I would never let myself have one, because if it were me it's immaturity, whereas if it's anyone else, it's completely justified.

This is a very interesting thread Rouge And FWIW Astro, I miss you around the boards! I used to be kinda scared of you, but having you as a FB friend has been excellent for making me realise you're just a person like anyone else. In the words of a wise ex mod - 'Mods are people too'

[CharlieBrownGirl]

"Why is it we blame the community and not the people or better yet ourselves?"

This question has been circulating in my head since I've seen it pop up.
The reason? I think it relates to my work and thinking of Bath's ( it was Bath) thread on keyhole judgement.

Situations occur and subsequently gets media attention, and we're (the agency I work for) gets a media and public beating. The whole story is unknown and often remains that way to the public (for privacy reasons). I have yet to read a media coverage stating the obstacles preventing the situation occurring or acknowleding the primary causes / individuals at blame.

My point??? I think as a society as a whole there will always be blinkers on preventing the bigger picture to be seen or understood. Reflecting on our reactions to a situation allows for personal development, compassion and understanding. Not too long ago I received an email re: 90/10 Principles by Stephen Covey "you really do not have any control over 10% of what happens. The other 90% is determined by your reaction"

My favorite quote at the moment was discovered in Sept issue of 'The Notebook':
"Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional" Chili Davis

I think I can go to sleep now I've put that down
Night

[Inanna]

I also don't do the ignore thing either. I think we all have a story. We all have bad days. We are all growing and changing in every second. We are all different people today than we were yesterday. I don't ignore people on the street so I don't do it in here. I may choose not to post or not to comment or reply or whatever but not to pretend someone else doesn't exist. For me that's part of the growth - negotiating a whole community of people - some whom are very easy for me to love, respect & admire & others who are more of a challenge. That's true for each of us. That's human nature.

[Liz]

I'm not saying people shouldn't have an ignore list. Heck, if it stops them arguing with them all the time.. good LOL. But I do think it's a sad side to the community and defeats the purpose of the community in a way if people are being ignored. Surely not everything someone says is irritating... and just because they say some irritating stuff.. why ignore their threads that might be asking for help or support? That's what I think is sad about it.

There's been a number of times I've learned more about a person's story along the way which has helped me understand why they are so sensitive or narky about some things. Ignoring them eliminates that opportunity to get a bit more insight which can make me more inclined to overlook some of their behaviour and continue to help/support them as much as anyone else.

[PumpkinZulu]

I am glad BB makes people think.

I also understand some of what Maya expressed.

I have felt like that a bit lately too. This ethos of "making" others feel a certain way just puzzles me. I feel like a complete freak sometimes for speaking of my thoughts around birth because they go against the grain. When I didn't feel that way before recent times. I'm not sure if that's because things have changed or why its so. But I have felt that feeling I will agree with Maya there.

I agree. Nobody can 'make' you feel anything. Only you are responsible for how you feel, no one else. My favourite example of this is something I've learned from my Doula training; a woman walks into her OB's office all excited and tells him that she is planning a homebirth. The OB laughs at her and tells her that it's a bad idea, she'd be risking her and her baby's life. The woman goes home, disappointed, and tells her friend about it. "He just made me feel so stupid." she says. But the OB didn't make her feel anything, he only brought out the insecurity within the woman that she already had lurking there, and when she didn't get his approval of her choice, the OB 'made' her feel stupid. But, if the woman had gone into her appointment with the OB completely comfortable, informed and happy in her decision to homebirth, she would have heard the OB's opinion, and simply brushed it off as him being biased and uneducated in her decision, and would have left the appointment still completely comfortable and happy in her decision. So nobody can 'make' you feel anything, it's an insecurity within yourself.

[Rouge]

I totally agree with you on the teacup liz.

I guess like all other topics this just shows that everyone has their own perspective even when it comes to their own perspective and no one perspective is right. I gave up a little while ago trying to share my own point of view with people who prefer to challenge it rather than hear what I am trying to say and acknowledge it so now when i come across those types of situations I simply nod and move along. I like to discuss and share, but not to argue or debate. Even facts and figures can be undermined so I think sharing is more important than debate, but that's just me and maybe I'm not analysing enough... or maybe too much.

[Nelle]

Ahhh yes the guidelines! Good at guiding us on where to draw the line.

Should I be a teacher or something? "To assume means you make an ass out of you and me. Everyone turn to page 6. We can finish when Jones in the back stops talking. Everybody's waiting for you Jones." *taser taser*


Quite like the carpet analogy. Lots of room for fun and far reaching stories. Like...if the stain gets sun, then over time it'll fade. I assume we're working with light carpet here...if it's dark carpet, then, who cares what we spill?

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

I think the important question Nelle is - does the carpet match the curtains?