Why is it we blame the community and not the people or better yet ourselves?

[Inanna]

I've learned for me if I am reacting badly it's stirred up something inside me that needs to be looked at. I personally would like to thinkt hat that is what BB does. It makes us think. Stirs up some of our stuff so we can see it more clearly. It's a mirror.

"When we see men of a contrary character, we should turn inwards and examine ourselves."

Confucius (551-479 BC)

[Glamourcide]

If i'm feeling down, i avoid posting, some people post more. Guess we're all different.

I'm exactly the same on that one, Junglemum. Many's the time I've had to step away from the computer for anything from a few hours until I've cooled down, to a few weeks when I'm going through some IRL stuff and find that online stuff is just adding unnecessary stress and I'm not feeling capable of handling it in the best way I can. I'm very proud to be able to say this, as it's not something I would have done just a couple of years ago - I have had to learn that the world isn't going to end if I don't get the last word, that things blow over and nobody is going to sit at their computer months later laughing behind my back that I was the coward who bowed out of a discussion when I had flared up and been shot down, itms. I've learned when to hold my tongue and ignore something that's irritating me rather than taking the bait.

Thanks, Rouge To follow on from your schoolyard analogy, I have to say that I agree - although in my case (and here I am actually talking about my school years and not a forum lol), I did find fault with particular groups rather than individuals - ie, I have a problem with Kelsey and Sarah, but instead of being mad at just them, I'll hate on their whole group just because they're 'guilty by association' or the girls' friends will either sit back and watch them pick on me, or will join in, itms. In high school, I did end up changing schools because at the time I felt that I had zero support from anybody - so I decided that the abuse to which I was being subjected was not only the fault of the perpetrators themselves, but I blamed every other pupil AND the teachers and admin because not one of them stepped in to help me when I was vulnerable, itms... so I guess I can understand why it's common for people to fault a whole community rather than take issue with particular individuals, especially if they feel that they're being 'ganged up on', so to speak. Why aren't other individuals stepping in to speak up for me? Why is everybody either sitting idly by and watching this occur, or jumping on the bandwagon and hurting me as well?

[diannescruffy]

I really didn't explain myself very well did I? I find it hard to get thoughts into words sometimes . If I have been hurt by someone within a community I don't blame the community, it was that one person whereas a community is made of many people. Sometimes though people within a community can spoil that community and that may be the case when people tend to blame the community and not the person. Geez I don't know if this has made any more sense than my previous post. Ok I think I need the vodka.

Regards,
Dianne

[PumpkinZulu]

Glam that's what I was getting at too and starting to learn; that the discussion or whatever is happening will still go forth and everything. Will. Be. Okay. if I *don't* contribute kwim? That and stepping back and having a breather.

[Liz]

I guess for me I see our community like any other... almost like a school yard if you will. There are many different types of people, and some stick together and some don't and then there are the ones that regardless of the clothes they wear, or the beliefs they hold they flit to and from them all. And sometimes the loudest group shiats off the rest and sometimes everyone joins in and makes fun out of it. But in the end when there is a crisis they are all there to hold each other up no matter what.

I see it like that too

I agree with other posters about it being a general shift in attitude/behaviour that is easier to get upset with rather than individuals. There are a few people who I too cringe at when I see they've posted. But I've never had an ignore list! Wow... so some of you have a long ignore list?? I think that in itself speaks quite loudly about the "community" here, and I think that's a bit sad that members are being ignored I'm pretty unphased by things as well. Some threads get me thinking and I let myself get involved, but I'm rarely upset by anything I read or debate about. Water off a duck's back

I do think tho that it's fair enough to be upset about the feel of a community as a whole. We often hear of people leaving mother's groups/playgroups because they didn't like the general feel of the group, not necessarily the individuals, just that little community in general. Some people don't like going to clubs because they don't like the general feel of that group of people or the way things are "done" there. If someone doesn't like the way the things are "done" here or the way people behave here, I think that's fine. I think it's a bit silly to persevere and keep hanging out here if it's really upsetting you. Move on and find a place that does work for you.

And back to the school yard analogy.. yes, there is school yard politics and that's not laying blame with the school, but if you are unhappy with the way the school is run or it's philosophy, or the way it handles situations, then it IS the school, so you either give it some more time or you change schools. Not really different to which parenting forum you decide to frequent

ETA: just realised I didn't think about the 'blaming ourselves' bit. Will be back after some thought

[PumpkinZulu]

Fwiw I don't have an ignore list, I don't write people off that easily, and if I realllly don't want to read what someone has to write, I just flat out ignore that post. Even if I am replying to a thread, I will just not respond to a particular person. But if people want to have one, why not? Whatever helps us enjoy our community to the full.

[Ozziehoffy]

Fwiw I don't have an ignore list, I don't write people off that easily, and if I realllly don't want to read what someone has to write, I just flat out ignore that post. Even if I am replying to a thread, I will just not respond to a particular person. But if people want to have one, why not? Whatever helps us enjoy our community to the full.

Ditto... I pick my places to reply or not reply cos I know that sometimes it's not worth it. If I choose to reply it usually takes a really long time to get it worded in such a way that it's not attacking but saying what I need to say. Oh and ... lol I didn't even know there was an ignore list

[Inanna]

I also don't do the ignore thing either. I think we all have a story. We all have bad days. We are all growing and changing in every second. We are all different people today than we were yesterday. I don't ignore people on the street so I don't do it in here. I may choose not to post or not to comment or reply or whatever but not to pretend someone else doesn't exist. For me that's part of the growth - negotiating a whole community of people - some whom are very easy for me to love, respect & admire & others who are more of a challenge. That's true for each of us. That's human nature.

[Liz]

I'm not saying people shouldn't have an ignore list. Heck, if it stops them arguing with them all the time.. good LOL. But I do think it's a sad side to the community and defeats the purpose of the community in a way if people are being ignored. Surely not everything someone says is irritating... and just because they say some irritating stuff.. why ignore their threads that might be asking for help or support? That's what I think is sad about it.

There's been a number of times I've learned more about a person's story along the way which has helped me understand why they are so sensitive or narky about some things. Ignoring them eliminates that opportunity to get a bit more insight which can make me more inclined to overlook some of their behaviour and continue to help/support them as much as anyone else.

[Phteven]

hmmm, I'm not sue that I agree that BB has changed a great deal. I think that people change and they assume that the change is with BB when it's actually with them. Since I've been here we've grown a lot (numerically) and become less focused on the 'earth mothery' stuff. Now we have spaces for parenting routines & programs, c-section support, formula feeding support and a whole heap of other niche areas. Even though the forum has grown in all these ways I think that on the whole the philosophy of providing a safe space for parents to discuss parenting remains. Nothing is closer to a parent's heart than their children so a parenting forum is bound to see emotions running high sometimes, which means that there is a fine line to tread between allowing an adult discourse and keeping the forum peaceful.
Me, I don't blame the community. I put myself through uni working in bars and nightclubs so I know very well that 'there is one in every crowd' and when the crowd is large like BellyBelly is then there will be more than one. I guess to me the thing that is puzzling is those members who feel that they have to go on a mission to change BB and do so by trying to stir up other members and rally support for their 'cause'. I really don't understand their motivation.

Rouge, I'm disappointed by the lack of daisy chains and kumbaya but that's ok because I've got Sunshine and Lolliops....

ETA - maybe I do have my days where I blame the community.I certainly have found myself thinking 'why the hell does everyone take things so personally?' when really I should be thinking 'oops so and so took that really personally maybe I should try to remember that next time'.

ETA 2 - I don't have an ignore list. I don't need one. If I don't like a person I find it hard to interact with them.

[Arcadia]

I didn't know about ignore lists either!!

I find I draft more posts than I submit iykwim? Sometimes if I feel provoked I might write a response to 'have my say' but then hit cancel instead...I really don't see the need in replying unless some value can be added.

I like the idea than glamourcide raised about bb being a safe place, a special place and I can see that in the way many people post- forging friendships, making supportive posts and giving rep points, assigning pig's etc.

I tend to use bb to challenge my thinking, so I think I can be guilty of rocking the boat...but that bevauseci have never met such a bunch of intelligent, supportive and loving people! You all rock.

I also tend to remember the names of those I like and forget those I don't click with too. I hate the idea someone would cringe at anothers name...but then again, it's not a popularity contest, and sometimes I think people find it hard to remember this...especially when those threads emerge about 'who you know' etc

[Inanna]

Yep I'm another under the Bodhi tree in my tie dyed skirt, plaits, kumbaya, peace pipe & yes daisy chains...

[Liz]

oh... and on a side point... I didn't think mods/admin would have ignore lists? How does one get on these? I could let loose and no mods would see! hahahah

[Phteven]

oh... and on a side point... I didn't think mods/admin would have ignore lists? How does one get on these? I could let loose and no mods would see! hahahah

We'd still be able to read the reports about you

[Rouge]

Way to go for making me feel bad for needing to preserve my sanity Liz!

I'm probably one of the few people that do. But it was a necessity I'm still human after all. If that makes me a bad person so be it. I am happy to admit I have weaknesses and biting when offered the bait is one. Maybe one day when I'm stronger I'll be able to do away with the list, but just like ban me list the ignore list is there for those who don't have the personal restraint.

[Liz]

nah... don't feel bad Rouge. We all do what we gotta do I don't have a problem with ignore lists and why they are there... was just thinking out loud about them and the whole community thing really. Hadn't thought about it much at all before now. The last time I thought about the ignore lists was when I got a PM from someone telling me they were putting me on their ignore list. Was very polite of them I must say PMSL. Don't think they are on BB anymore so I must have really scared them away! Still makes me laugh actually.. that was a long time ago now.

[Phteven]

lol @ the ignore PM.

I had an ignore list on another forum but everyone on it ended up getting banned so I stopped bothering.

[Inanna]

at being PM'd to notify you that you were now officially ignored! THAT has taken the cake!