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Thread: 3 or 4...I want 4, DH wants 3.

  1. #1

    Default 3 or 4...I want 4, DH wants 3.

    Hi there,
    I'm in a dilemma at the moment and I wondered if anyone out there could offer some advice. I have 3 beautiful children and would dearly love one more. However my husband says definately no to a 4th child. I feel like it will be a real regret of mine if we don't have 4. He says he feels like he'll go completely mad if we do have 4!! What should we do. I feel like I was born to give birth and have babies. We have a 10yr old, 4 yr old and a 6 month old so I don't feel I can TTC now....I get terribly nauseous when pregnant and end up on crutches due to an unstable pelvis and hip pain. I wouldn't be able to look after the baby and we have extremely limited family support around to help us. Please.....I would appreciate anyones advice on this dilemma. DH and I are very close and love each other very much. Is it likely that I will resent him if I don't get my way.....and will he resent me if I do get my way????? HELP!!!!

    Thanks, Mumsy Wumsy.


  2. #2

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    Hi there, just reread my post and want to clear up one point. I mentioned I wouldn't be able to look after 'the baby'. I didn't mean the baby I would be giving birth to but rather the baby we already have at the moment!! Once the baby I'm pregnant with is out I have no nausea and my pelvic pain clears up pretty quickly. Thanks, MW.

  3. #3

    Join Date
    Oct 2007
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    Awww I really wish I had some advice for you but I dont. Im lucky that when i said to my DH that id like 4 kids he agreed that 4 kids would be perfect. Do you think he is just saying no atm cause your DD is only 6 months old and once she gets abit bigger he may come around?

  4. #4

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    Wow 3 DD's!

    I really think the best way to work out if #4 should be considered is to do a pros and cons sheet. Write down why you should/shouldnt have another...and get DH to do the same. i know Dh said no more...but see if he can do reasons why u should.

    The minute DD1 was born... we TTC straight away...hence the 10 month gap in my 2 girls!

    I guess if you dont have 4 u will always be thinking bout it. Dh and i have talked kids...i said 4 he said 6. But now we have 2 we have said 3 will def be the minimum....and possibly a 4th.

    At the end of the day our decision comes down soley to finances.

    Good luck...i know ive not helped...but its something only you and DH can decided on!

  5. #5

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    Hehe I have just come back cause I was going to suggest a pro's & con's sheet aswell but Kim beat me to it.

  6. #6
    paradise lost Guest

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    Do you think you will feel done when you've had the 4th? Is it possible you'll feel maybe 5 or 6 is a better number? I can imagine from your DH's point of view pregnancy is a bit of a trial too since he'd be caring for the 3 kids a lot more while you were sick and unable to walk etc. I'm not saying he'd be right in feeling that, but it'd put me off if i were him.

    I suppose kids are a joint decision. It depends how much you desire a 4th. Would you be willing to leave him and find a new partner in order to have a 4th child? Would he go as far as leaving over the disagreement? I think of necessary you could reconcile that this baby was your last if you had to, just as, if you fell pregnant, he would be able to reconcile his feelings by the birth.

    It must feel like a struggle against one another but maybe it is good to remember that the decision about another child or not is to do with the family you have made together. You feel that it would be a good thing for the family to have another member and he doesn't, but it is the same family, that you're BOTH wanting the best for. So maybe you could both write down your reasons that your preference would be best for your family...? Like there will be more money to go around with one less kid, but perhaps a son if you have another baby?

    Also, a lot can change in a few years. I was keen 4 days after DD's birth to have another one ASAP, and although another baby wouldn't be unwelcome right now, i have PLENTY on my plate with a smart toddler, but i'm sure when she's 5 i'll be really broody again. Your DH might have changed his mind when ttc is actually an option, or you might!

    Bx

  7. #7

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    Why do you really want 4? If you have 4, will you want 5, or 6? Being "born to birth" isn't the best reason to have children - being able to provide for and love your existing children is.

    DH and I are arguing 2 or 3; I'm already upset there will be a very large gapbetween 1 and 2, but he is right that we cannot adequately provide for another right now.

  8. #8

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    Hi- Not really at the 3-4 th stage yet but after the birth of our first my DP was totally against the idea of having anymore. I was devistated as i had always wanted a big family. I would constantly talk about it as i felt if he knew my feelings it may make him change his mind. I had MC once before our DS and twice in 2 Yrs after. When DS turned 2 and after all of "the nagging" as he called it he still hadnt changed his mind. In january of this year i thought i was preg- i was on the pill but fell preg with DS in the pill also. AFter BT and and US i found that i wasnt. My GP advised that i stay off the pill for a while and wait to see if i got my monthly. Feb, March, April, may, june, july had all past without any monthly. Constantly being checked by my doc every few months he eventually sent me for another US. Turns out i have Poly cystic ovaries- (Not the syndrome) When i was told that i probably wouldnt be able to have kids (without fertility treatment) i was shattered. When i told DP , to my surprise he was even more shattered. I thought he had completely ruled out any more kids but when we found out that we probably couldnt anymore his attitude change completely. After our first round of HRT i am finally preg. He couldnt be happier, and neither could I. Now he's telling friends and family that he want more and Bubs #2 isnt even born yet.

    I think that once your DD is a little older and you DH realises that the kids are growing up he may change his mind. I would say though dont do what i did and "nag" but just wait it out till DD is a little older and maybe then discuss the posibility you may be surprised. Tell him know you feel about not having anymore and let him know why (ie you dont want to regret it later, etc)

    I wish you all the best. Good luck
    Last edited by Je$$_84; December 3rd, 2007 at 10:58 AM.

  9. #9

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    Perhaps it is because your youngest is only 6 months old - I know when my youngest was 6 months neither myself or my DH could contemplate having any more, but now we have agreed that one more would be good. I think you should just give it some time.

  10. #10

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    Ok I really want 3 had always said I wanted 3 and now that is what we have DH was happy at 2 as we had one of each, But now that my baby is getting close to 18mths I am feeling really clucky again, I was really worried about asking DH about the possablity of having another and to my suprise he said yes It took ages for him to say yes for the 3rd but straight away for the 4th go figger! But I think its because I have said that I want to wait until DD2 is about 4 so that I can enjoy the 4th and as I too get morning sickness quite badly I think he will be happy knowing that all our kids will be at school throu out the day so that having a sick mummy wont affect them too much iykwim as he he want be to far of comming home himself after pick-up. I really think it is a decion that you both have to be happy with talk it out until both of you are happy and wont blame each other whichever way it goes. good luck

  11. #11

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    I've always said that I wanted 3. Not long ago I asked DP how many more he wanted and he said just 1 more. Given the complications I have in pg I can understand that he is trying to protect me from what may happen but he can't understand that if our next baby is a girl that I want to ttc for another. If it was a boy I would be happy and content with just our two living children. Even if we had a 3rd and it was a girl, I would be disappointed, but wouldn't love the child any less.

  12. #12

    Angry Thanks!!!

    Thankyou all for your amazing advice. I will think of the pros and cons and get DH to do the same and hopefully this will get us somewhere. Trouble is I think he'll come up trumps as he wants to send our children to private secondary school and this will be expensive enough with 3 let alone 4. I'm not so fussed about this and would be happy for them to go private when they're in about yr 10. Trouble again is I went to a public secondary school and did ok.....he went to a private secondary school and did extremely well!! Not to say the same will follow with our kids.

    Also, I'm not fussed about ttc a boy. I have never really wanted a boy and DH isn't fussed about this either. In fact if we did have another one we would both be hoping for another girl.

    I know what you mean about hubby having to look after 3 kids while I struggle through a pregnancy but our marriage is rock solid and I would never consider leaving him just to have a 4th child. We completely love each other and our family. Maybe I should just be grateful that he said yes to the 3rd.....after a year or two of 'nagging'.......and enjoy her instead of thinking about the 4th. The funny thing is I've never really liked the thought of having a baby before. Number 1 was a nightmare with reflux, number 2 never slept and number 3 is a dream. I just want to have the experience with number 3 all over again!!

    I guess that even if I have number 4 I'll still want number 5. The midwife who attended our beautiful home water birth of number 3 said she still feels that way aged 62 years and after 4 children of her own!!!

    Anyway, thanks so much for letting me talk about it and I really value your experience and advice. Sometimes it's so hard to know how to live the one life we're given. If I don't move in the next couple of years on number 4 my time will be up. I really value the 3 I have. I love them to death and never take them for granted.

    Thanks for listening......MW....xx

  13. #13

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    I just had baby number 4. After we had bub 3 Dh was adamant we weren't having anymore. I just didn't feel done.. I used to get upset at the thought of never having another baby. after much discussion we came to a compromise. We would try for one year and if I wasn't pg then we would be happy with 3. Thankfully 9th month I found out I was pg.

    I had my tubes tied during my c/s. I will admit over the last couple days I have felt a little sad this part of my life is finished but I know 5 children is to many and I am happy with my decision to get "fixed"

    I think you need to sit down with Dh and ask him what his biggest reasons for NOT wanting another baby are? and if it is just the sleepless nights ect and the pregnancy ask him to ask himself how long that really lasts for. For my DH it was the worry and stress that pregnancy brings.

    Anyways not sure if that helps any.. so far life is great with 4 kids. A little tough getting in and out of the car and shopping isn't the most fun thing but I know it will get better.

  14. #14

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    Thanks for your advice and I agree......if it is just the sleepless night then that will pass and we'll have our darling children forever. Number 3 has been such a dream baby that maybe he'll come round at some stage. For some reason, he's so hooked on the cost of bringing the children up and honestly, he's on a damn good wage!! I'm sure we'd cope, with sacrifices.

    How has it been for you having a girl after 3 boys? I don't know how we'd cope with a boy after 3 girls!! And to tell you the truth, that would be the one thing that would stop me going back for a 4th. I'm so happy to only have girls!

    Thanks again, MW. x

  15. #15

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    We had a dream number 3 baby as well. he is a little turd at the moment though .. I think we have let him get away with way to much,,

    At the moment life is no different with a girl. I was a little scared when we found out we were having one cus i am so used to boys. The biggest difference is the clothes are pink

  16. #16

    Default Thanks aussienic!!

    Thankyou Aussienic for your last post....the bit about dream baby turning into little turd!!! Just what I needed to hear. I really don't think I'm going to get a chance at having baby number 4 as DH said again tonight he can't wait till we can go out without kids....just the 2 of us (we had to take DD 6months old with us, coz I'm the milkbar at the moment and she was not a happy camper, to his work breakup at a restauraunt)!! I don't have the same longing. If going out as a couple is a sacrifice we have to make for the next few years I'm more than happy to. We can go out as a couple for the rest of our life!!!!

    Thanks also for the heads up on the different gender after 3 of the same gender. I am a bit worried about the 4th being a boy and upending the dynamics of the family a bit!! Of course, as long as the baby is healthy it's fine as we're trying for another child not a specific gender.

    Thanks again, MW. x

  17. #17

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    PS I meant to say Olivia Rose is just beautiful....and what a gorgeous name! MW. x

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