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Aunt driving me insane - HELP!
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Last edited by JellyBean; April 6th, 2014 at 01:14 PM. : Privacy Issues
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DHs great aunt is buying so much stuff for DD I am drowning in it. I am grateful but seriously she has started buying size 2.... DD is 7 months old. I have so much stuff from her.
Sorry just empathizing! No advice just glad this one lives a bit further away
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Obviously your aunt has a very good loving heart but yes she definately needs to back off, maybe with the money side make silly comments like, oh I'll be giving it to charity myself or something like that.. OR, maybe try and take advantage of her offers, enough for her to actually not want to offer anymore.. If I'm making sense lol
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I so understand what you mean. I think ultimately you have to accept the gifts graciously. In terms of the visits etc, I think maybe you could start being a bit more 'busy'? Hope you find a better balance...
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d you have access to the bank accounts, or has she just told you about them,? If the latter, she can do what she wants with her cash, you don't have to use it if you think there are conditions attached.
if she is buying excess things, you might have to be more direct and say ds has so much, you don't need anything more for him
Registered User
I agree with the bank accounts its hers to give and it will be nice for your kids but it sounds like the visits need to be scaled back especially as you get busier as they get older. Maybe arrange to meet at a park where she can feel like she is involved in looking after them. With the gifts point out that you have enough and have no more space and is there anyone else who needs it more, or give it to a charity.
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She originally got the details of DH's bank account - so the money is going in whether we like it or not. DH is quite happy to receive the money, but he doesn't have to put up with the frequent visits and her OTT behaviour with the kids. There have been times that I have occasionally been able to decline a visit from her due to being busy, but it's difficult as she is quite happy to be flexible and work around me... and being a stay-at-home-Mum means I'm home quite a lot. Plus she knows that my little ones need to have a nap and we have to be home at some point! I just don't understand people that do not pick up on hints and 'vibes'. I would be so mortified if I got the slightest sense that I was being a nuisance to someone! If someone wants to see/talk to you - they WILL get in touch!! But seriously - who buys girls clothes for a new mum that gives birth to a boy? Or boys clothes for a mum that gives birth to a girl, for that matter? Is that not really really rude and even nutty??? Sadly, I feel she is trying to live through me..... she is so desperate for me to have a girl, when my husband and I are very happy with our boys - and we are the parents!! I actually am totally off the prospect of having a girl now - because I'm certain she would drive me bonkers with pink and other girly stuff.
BellyBelly Member
Its a hard one. With the Money.. Do you put it aside for the kids if its going into DH's account or does it just become part of the budget so to speak? Maybe let her know the account is being used as an everyday account & she may like to open a trust fund account for the kids if she is keen to keep doing so.
I would suggest, suggesting to her that she does the same with "stuff" that she limits it to birthdays etc rather then just random & that if she would like to keep that money aside for DS's bank account if she would really like to gift that to him. That way when he is older, he will have that little bit extra?
visits.. Caller ID, don't reply to emails & throw in the "not up to it this week" to space them out a bit maybe?
2014 BellyBelly RAK Recipient.
Hmm its a tricky one. But just had a thought......with the visit thing......maybe you could say how its lovely your kids have such loving family......wouldnt it be nice if you could share that with kids that dont have family? I see something recently where parents are looking for people to take granparent roles for their children whom dont have any bio ones,maybe you could suggest she...share her love with them??
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Can your mother talk to her? As her sister, she may have an idea on what to say.
There is no doubt she will get offended but it is better to say something now rather than snap and say something you will regret.
Registered User
With the visits perhaps you could schedule a regular catch up time. Whether that is weekly/fortnightly/monthly whatever works for you. Then you know when it is going to happen and it takes the stress of these last minute ones away.
Janie x
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Thanks for replies/ suggestions. Family of 3 - I like the idea of the 'adopt a grandparent' thing. I have actually suggested foster parenting to her in the past. She is one of those people who talks and talks about things she'd like to do - but never does them. Her house is loaded with years of unhealthy hoarding, and she talks about cleaning it out and renovating her house, year after year after year.... she'd rather busy herself with visiting people and making food for them. Sweet, yes. But it's really a distraction to prevent her from having to face the problems in her life, and sadly, her loneliness :-(. Ultimately I think she needs a spiritual outlet - to get involved in organised charitable giving that does not drive family bonkers. But I would feel like I am condescending her by saying these things - given that she is at about 30 years my senior.
Janie71 - we already have an organised family dinner every 6 weeks at my parents house - where extended family (she and my other Aunts) come to. Plus there are the additional birthdays, special occasions. So I personally feel that for a busy Mum, with friends I already see far less than I'd like - seeing my great Aunt at family dinner every 6 weeks is completely adequate. What do you think?
I feel sad because I never used to feel this way about her before having kids. If I'd known she would respond in this way I would have tried to set some boundaries from the start.
Chocaholic - She is my Dad's sister, but I do like your suggestion. My Dad is very gentle and diplomatic and would probably be the best person to speak to her. I am certainly worried that I will just blow up at her one day and cause unnecessary offence!
Moderator
Try not to be angry with her. I'm sure that annoying you or over stepping the mark is the last thing on her mind. I'm not sure you can necessarily assume that she is bitter that you don't want her to watch the kids.
Have you thought of slowly being honest with her. Clearly being subtle is not working. Ask her to scale back to visits? Or perhaps make the visits more mutually beneficial I.e. I see mums at swimming lesions who have a helper with them and I am always jealous! Or once a month she takes the kids for a walk or play whilst you do a big grocery shop? I know you have other people to 'call on' but why avoid her obvious desire to help and join in? Once a month is 12 times a year? Surely you can fit that in, especially if its mutually beneficial. Think of all the things she can teach your children, even if it is just that they are loved by many. If you start to look forward to her visits perhaps you will view her in a more positive frame.
Also, about the money. Do you want it? If you don't then you need to talk to her. Explain that you changed your mind. If she wants to support your children financially then perhaps she can set something up that doesn't involve you? Or perhaps she can sponsor a child on behalf of each of them? Something she can build on with the kids and teach them about other cultures and the lives of other children.
I don't know what you should do. I just wonder how I would feel if I was your aunt.
Moderator
Honestly, no. She wants to be involved, so let her, but in a way that you have some control over the situation. I really like Lenny's suggestion on this matter. She is family and that needs to be respected, especially since she is not being nasty or abusive.
From personal experience, as the kids grow up, the more adults in their life who are willing to help out the better. You might be ok with the support you have now, but later it may just not be enough. You might really appreciate having the aunt take the kids to the movies for you one day
I think if you suggest something for her, suggest the involvement she may back off naturally. I used to find my MIL a bit too much in the early days, but once I started contacting her, asking her to do the odd thing, asking even for that bit of advice (one a safe topic of course) our relationship really improved. At the end of the day the relationship she has with the kids is more important, so I think take YOU out of the equation and value her as a great aunt to your children. Put a positive spin on it and you might find it is not so bad after all.
Registered User
From a child's perspective, I had a great-aunt I adored. Mum made time for her, even though it could be stressful. When her mum died, the great-aunt, who has a daughter of her own, was there to help and be the older woman confidante role to my mother, and later me. Best babysitter and later only extended family members at my 18th (with her dh).
She was my first person to call when extended family were difficult. We made each other laugh. I felt blessed to have my great-aunt in my life. She was amazing. No, she wasn't an immediate relation, but we got on so well.
Less close to, but still adore one of my dad's mum's cousins too.
Please don't deny your children someone who loves them, who knows how the relationship will end up?
However, buying baby girl clothes for you is weird. I agree with you there!
Moderator
I have an Aunt who is unmarried, has no children and who helped me out financially throughout my earlier life. She has a grandmotherly role to my DD (as well as being her Godmother), and is the first to offer help if/when needed, including driving across town to pick up and drop off my DD to care for her to help me out.
She is one of my greatest blessings.
Registered User
I really like this idea. Not sure if she'd be very into it tho, as she really gets her pleasure from feeling like she is giving to her great nephews. I guess I just feel like we (my kids are I) are already so fortunate, that it seems a bit of a waste to be giving them money when there are others who need it so much more. But hey, it's not my money.
I really wish that I could pluck this irritation I feel toward her out of me. I have even prayed about it! I think she just crossed too many lines, and said/did too many things in the early stages of me becoming a mother that now it's just the little things - her phone calls, her presence that rubs me up the wrong way. But I take your points- there are certainly worse family problems one could have than a meddlesome aunt! I guess I will just have to learn to be more respectfully assertive and patient. Or I could move cities.....
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Because you have asked the question, I will answer very honestly. I think you sound really ungrateful. Here is this woman who has always taken an interest in your life and now takes an interest in your children. She gives freely of her money, but more importantly she gives freely of her time. You have posted about members of your immediate family having 'priority' over your great aunt, but I'm not sure that my priority system is the same as yours! The people I prioritise for my children to spend time with are those people who love and value my kids and who will put themselves out to spend time with us, not the people who happen to have been born in a certain order.
Do you need to set some boundaries? Absolutely! You are the only person who can determine what those boundaries are, but as someone who has very little extended family and who would LOVE someone to be chomping at the bit to babysit my kids... If you don't want her, I'll have her!
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