Hey everyone,

Sorry guys my link was in violation of forum rules so got a spanking for it.
I have decided that seeing we're not really worthy of a PSG, that I would post my "whole of recent events" here including the email conversations. If people cannot see what DONM or others dealing with Narcs go through, the subtle manipulations, the word twistings, and the emotional blackmail then its never going to get better and we are ALWAYS going to look like a bunch of nutcases and ungrateful brats.

SO HERE IT IS ... this carries on from my vent thread about what happened at my Nan's 80th but picks up from when we announced our pregnancy to family and friends in 1 BULK group email.

I will warn you that it is long:

A few weeks go by and we hear nothing from her, we were pregnant and I sent around an email to family and friends letting them know about the pregnancy.

The first response was this "Congratultions we are very happy for you! and wishing you all good health and happiness"

Ok, I thought ... until she sent this next one:
Dear N,
I am so happy to hear your lovely news about the baby. however I feel the need to let you know( at much risk of you hating me even more) that I am so very sad actually I am heartbroken that you should choose to let me know in what appears to be a group email and that you feel that you could not or did not want to share such special news with your family in the way of a phone call.

I don't know how this can be resolved! it is obvious that we are not welcome in your house by you or C whenever we arrive, it is a dreadful feeling to know that you are barely being tolerated!

I really miss sharing in little S life with all the milestones she must be making. I am sad that she isn't able to get to know us as normally happens with Grandparents.

Whatever I have done to make you hate me so much only you can answer that !! I just don't know. Anyway you are now an adult,wife and Mother and am sure you will learn by my mistakes as a Mother so you won't do whatever I have done to you with Little S to cause you to feel as you do towards me.

You are always in my thoughts, I love you and am very proud of what you have achieved in your life. I worry about you and hope you have a trouble-free pregnancy! I am sorry we do not have the closeness that is normal between most Mothers and daughters and I don't understand why!! I will not intrude in your life by calling you(as I know I seem to irritate you) however if you wish to be in contact with me the door is always open to you and I am just a phone call away should you wish to chat!

The choice is yours to make.

I will accept your wishes

Love
Mum

Oh man was I LIVID ....... My response was this

Dear J,

One thing I have learnt from you is that every action not only has a reaction but there are also consequences to those actions. One thing I have learnt on my own is, in life you have a choice.

In the past you have stood in my lounge room and told me you would do things my way when it comes to S, the minute you get around Janet or Hannah or your family, you switch and it becomes all about you and what you want to do after all "What happens with Nan stays with Nan" right ?!

So let me tell you about recent choices that have been made because clearly you do not have the level of understanding one would expect you'd have.

You chose to introduce at least 7 new things into my childs diet without any thought, 4 of which can cause NASTY reactions. Icecream is no longer just milk sugar and water. It contains malt which can cause hives, it has artifical preservatives that contain Propylene Glycerol (yes its a petrol derived product) artifical flavours which contain Coal Tar (90% do) not to mention the fact that its a chemical ****tail, it is synthetic afterall. S has not yet been exposed to nuts, icecream is processed on machines that also produces nut products! There are other products that I won't bother going into these are the main offenders.


S was JUST 17 months old, not 3yrs, not 5yrs and NOT ready in OUR opinion to be introduced to crap. She has lived artifical flavour and artifical preservative free up until then because we choose for her to have a healthy diet. S could have had an intolerance to any of the ingredients mentioned and the way in which you fed it too her, if I had not caught you when I did ... we would have had NO IDEA what she had eaten should she had had a reaction.

You chose to sneakily feed her icecream, you know damn well we would not have approved of that. You asked our permission to get her some chips and we TOLD YOU we had food for her. You didn't ask, you just did it ... what happens with Nan stays with Nan ........ until Nan gets busted.

How do you expect us to trust that you will do the right thing by our children in future, if they are ever to stay in your care, when you have proven beyond any doubt, that you cannot be trusted to do the right thing by S even when we are there.

C, on his own accord, specifically asked you not to discuss the matter further ........ but you did. You disrespected his request.

C, on his own accord, specifically told you it was OK for you to come up and see S when you were down, I was sitting next to him when he said it. He told you to ring first so that I had a choice to stay or to go for a drive ....... YOU chose not to see S. We have not stopped you in any way shape or form bah one time that 2 dates were not available by us because we had other things on. So DO NOT get on some pity party about not seeing S .........That was your choice.

As for phone conversation, ok your clutching at straws but have you ever bothered to listen to the things you talk about? 90% of our conversations is about someone dying or getting sick or some bad thing thats happen ..... yep I don't want to listen to that crap.

Being welcome in our house ... yeah its not an easy thing, I told you a while ago in my bedroom that you have in the past betrayed my trust and I also told you it would take a while for that trust issue to be resolved. But I have you here for S not for me or C.

You have no respect for me, you have no respect for C, you have no respect for the way we are raising our family, and you have proven that you would rather prove a point "What happens with nan stays with nan" than do the right thing by us and S. Yep trust has now been blown well and truly out of the water! Everytime I heard that coming out of your mouth I cringed ...... C always assured me you wouldn't do the wrong thing by us or S or put her health at risk. But you did!

We STILL will allow you to come here to see S. Why should she suffer because you are irresponsible ? You will need to call before you want to come up.

I just don't know, you have no idea the hurt and the betrayal I have felt caused by you. The very thought that you would put S's health at risk KNOWING what I have been through angers me beyond rational thought.

N


Oh man was I peeved ... so angry I couldn't even bring myself to call her Mum.

all I got back from her was I am sorry you feel this way. Thank you for your response Mum

Still fuming I sent her : don't feel sorry for me J I don't need or want that from you .......

Then this came back

I am sad that you feel the need to be so hurtful N.

I have done nothing so bad to deserve your spitefulness and disrespect. That is the choice you have made, there is not point discussing it any further.

Would be nice if either you or C would at least be courteous and acknowledge that you have received a msg or card from us. But again I expect too much. You should be ashamed of yourself. The card she sent us was a computer typed envelope with no return address so it HAD to be opened to see who it was from. After asking her once before not to send cards she had sent us ANOTHER card for our deceased daughters 3rd birthday, it was NOT a birthday card but a card letting us know she was thinking of us ... the year before it was a text AND she text DH a message as well this year.

By now I had had enough, she was completely unable to see anything other than her own persective. I sent this as a last contact email:

the words "I am sorry" elude you, perhaps when you actually read the email and can rightfully acknowledge the mistakes you have made .... until then do not contact me.

Its sad that you have so little respect for C and myself, sadder still that you cannot see the unnecessary damage you are doing by not being able to recognise your own mistakes.

Yes we got the card and we would appreciate it in future to not recieve anymore. A text or email is fine we do not need or want anymore physical reminders of what is missing in our lives thank you.

This was her response her last effort in controlling a battle of wills:
Lets face it N you are so full of hatred and disrespect of me that there is nothing I could ever do that is right in your eyes. Saying sorry for whatever I have done to you is pointless as I have no right of reply to any of your accusations!
Yes I am sorry!!!! I am not the perfect Mother but I have alway tried my very best !!! sorry that I am not the woman you want to call Mum and I hope you become the perfect Mother to S and believe me you are not there yet by a long shot!! its all ahead of you girl!!

Followed closely was this email from my father who is CLinically depressed:

sorry nae but you are a bloody nut case.
I've been one , got help, and it did help !!
It has been observed by many people inside and outside the family that you really need help I don't feel that you are able empathize like others
I realize that you must be fuming steam by now, but i don't mean it to be nasty or vengeful
Just chat to your local Dr and say your father thinks you may have a pathological problem
I know you have been through quite a allot but this has been with you for many many years

Maybe i am just full of crap. Hope so !!

I do hope things workout for you

bye


Who needs enemies when you have family like this?!! As I said this is just one of the many many things I have had to deal with ... Maybe the problem really is me? Maybe my mother does not have a NDP ... maybe I really am a complete and utter nut case?