As long as she never ever mentions the actual transgression you are identifying (the food she's putting into DD's mouth) then there's is no problem, yeah? Then it's all in your head, because no-one will mention what it is you're upset about except you...yup, I get it.
My mum's behaviour around my sister's wedding was absolute classic NPD. So I'm not sure why I was surprised when she pulled a NM when DS was born. Not sure if many people are aware, or if I just had it in my baby buddies, but my mum didn't talk to me or see me for 10 days after DS was born. On the one had it was because she wanted to be at the birth. No, wait, not at the birth, just there right after. No, wait (give some time for goal post change again - very important especially as the event has already occurred and changing goal posts guarantees that I have failed because I can't change what happened in the past), not there right after, she just wanted to know that I was in labour. No, wait, that's not it either, it's because she wasn't the first to know he was born. No, wait, it's because she wanted to know that I was on my way to the FBC and about to have him. No, wait, it's because in her culture daughters have mothers with them...oh, no, that's coming back to the first point and that ended up not being the reason I was invalidating her feelings, and it's already bad enough that "no-one cares about [her] point of view".
She got the sadlies a couple of months before the due date because she was going on about "I hope you don't feel much pain, I will pray to the Lord that he doesn't make you feel much pain and that it goes quickly, but just take the pain killers and do what the doctors say". "Ummm, Ma, maybe you didn't hear but I'm doing Hypnobirthing and I really don't think I'm going to be in 'pain'", more platitudes about hoping I'm right and that the Lord meant for it to hurt yaddiyaddah but she hopes I'm right. Then I say that DP knows the HB and will help me and it's in the birth plan for the midwives to help me with the Hypno stuff and that's why it's really important for me to only have DP there with me, so that I don't have distractions from what I'm training myself to do. Uh-oh. Silence. I KNOW that silence. She carries on preparing dinner. In silence.
Fast forward to the week DS is due. We were getting on great and she had bought a few things and was she had already moved to East Gippsland, where she'd taken up a teaching job, and was commuting back to Melb on weekends to be with my dad (they have a property up there they bought and she thought she'd preempt the building plans by getting them up there sooner than my depressed dad was ready to - they never have built on it and bought a house instead, still have the 14 acres so she can punish my dad for never having done anything with it and it can constantly remind him of what he's too old and depressed to do now...) We plan to have lunch at my parents (at this stage they lived 5 minutes away) on the Sunday. The night before we go to a 2nd birthday party and on the way home have some hot Thai and go for a vigorous walk. In the wee hours the niggling starts and I assume it's BH, they are far enough apart and not incredibly regular. All morning this goes on, BiL comes to help DP do something out the back and DP tells him I'm 'sleeping in', fakes an eyeroll to put BiL off the scent and all is well - we had planned to tell no-one about being in labour, let alone going to the FBC. I called my mum at about 1 to tell her that I didn't think it wise to move far from home because I was having what I thought were Braxton Hicks contractions and I felt that I needed to be home.
WELL! She banged on about how I had made a committment and she was really looking forward to spending that time with me (she was on school holidays and had been hoping I'd tell her the due date - I gave her all three of them to put her off, because she knew we were ignoring the dates - so that she could 'plan' and take leave accordingly) and then went all martyr on my "ok, fine, don't come" and hung UP ON ME. Completely ignoring the hint, which was more than I was comfortable giving and DP didn't even want me to give her that heads up - he needn't have worried, because she didn't take it for what it was, anyway.
I 'BH'd" the rest of that day, swaying, rocking, heat packs, swiss ball, resting when I could and eating. About 12 hours after it started the feelings took off with a bang - regular 10 mins and we were outside walking up the street (very treed and hilly up in the Dandenongs), when just about lunchtime, my dad arrived. He would only have heard from my mum that we weren't coming to lunch and at that time he was dropping in often to see us and our relationship was functioning well. He saw what state I was in and felt bad that he'd interrupted, so he left soon after. I was so happy to have seen him and had no idea that my mum had stopped communicating with him because she'd withdrawn after the lunch cancellation. He now knew why I had cancelled.
Anyway, about 4 hours later, against my deeper wishes, we left for the FBC and 45 mins after that DS arrived. I showered, got into bed with DS and then DP went to the car to get the phones, the camera, the bags (we'd overlooked the plan to labour completely at home and had packed bags for labouring in the FBC...only to get there in such a hurry that he only had time to park the car and run!). He called my mum first. Straight to voicemail. Tried again, didn't leave a message - who leaves that for a message when it's your MiL? So, he called the home phone, no answer. He called my sister in NZ and told her. He made other phone calls to his family. Meanwhile, my sis was so excited she called my parents and my dad answered, he was just happy to hear the news. So, he told my mum. Brave move, because she was being really noxious to him when she WAS talking to him! So, he ummed and ahhed on the phone to me for a couple of hours before saying he'd come to visit me, alone. My poor dad had to break it to me that my mum didn't want to see us and he wasn't sure why, particularly because she wasn't talking to him and when she was it was to bark at him. He got me on the phone to her, she was reluctant and acted like she was doing ME the favour. She was soooo dismissive and said she was too hurt and her feelings had been invalidated and other stuff I forget and don't care about any more.
My sister arrived 4 days later and was over the moon about having a nephew. Eventually, we worked on a plan of action to get my mum over. Can you believe that?? My newborn and I in babymoon and we're working on how to get my mum to come over?
Anyway, it took 10 days for the first visit, and another couple of years of guilt tripping (HER of ME) before she came out with "maybe we need to see a counsellor about this, because we have to move on from it. I have forgiven the past but you can't let it go and we need to heal, it's not healthy"...you may pick up your jaw now.
DD's birth was a little better, but she still chose to gnaw on a special bone and this time we left her to it.
THIS is classic NM. It took the birth of DS for me to realise once and for all that IT WASN'T ME. Family friends couldn't believe it and couldn't relate to how she blew out over my decision to birth without her. They still don't know she's NPD, so of course it is beyond their comprehension.
I'm telling this story because I had already talked about it at the time here on BB. There's other stuff I still wont' go into here. I got the schlapping, too, for posting a link to the DONM site. It's a site SOLELY for discussing relationships with NMs by daughters, there is no advertising, no chit chat, no other demographic. Ladies of middle age, young women, elderly all on there realising huge things about their lives. So, that's where I'll keep the other stuff now - the stuff that I recall that belongs in a group of people who know what to call it.
Sort of shaking my head that the 'metaphysical' people get their own group (not saying they shouldn't, either!), and CONP can't. So be it. Mine is an example of the kinds of behaviour that directly impacts what should be happy times in your life and are sabotaged by the person who should be closest to you and most wanting to protect your happiness. Not a NM.