Children of Narcissistic Parents

[minniemouse]

Totally relate to the money thing

oh my gosh this thread is lightbulb moment to lightbulb moment for me. my aunt left her estate to my 2 brothers and me, however my brother died 25 years ago but my aunt never changed the will, my mum decided my aunt would want her to have my brothers share (even though she was left some money in it herself). it was a substantial amount of money and i couldn't believe she had the nerve to ask me for a 3rd (so instead of half half with my brother it would be thirds between us). i was so upset she could ask, we had a mortgage and 2 small children but didn't want to upset things so reluctantly gave her some, it was about half what she wanted when the fallout happened. she since sent me a letter asking for her money and saying legally i don't have to do it but morally thats a different story, i was shocked she could lecture me on morals !!

sparklez: massive to you, im sorry to hear about all the things you have been through. i also want to give you a big pat on the back for getting to where you are now, you are obviously so strong


strawberryfields: gggrrr doesn't the isn't she wonderful comments do your head in

[minniemouse]

justme: thanks for putting all those links in, im stunned that a lot of what i have experienced actually has a name to put to it !

[StrawberryFields]

I've been thinking a lot about how its going to be when the girls are born. I've seen her around her step-grandchildren, and all she does is patronise them (which of course they don't really get yet) and feed them junk food whilst criticising me constantly for eating ANYTHING - I got in trouble when I went home to visit the other week for eating an apple because I'm just so fat and apples are so awful for you... She encourages them to eat as many lollies as they like, drink as much soft drink as they like, watch whatever they like on the TV - if you ask me, MTV isn't appropriate for anyone under 18! I always ask my half-sister if its okay to give them things - even though my niece is nearly 13, I still ask if its okay if she can have a glass of Coke

At least for now I know I wont have to worry about her seeing them regularly since we live so far away, but I'm pretty sure that if we get posted back to Brisbane that they will not be spending any time with her unless I'm present, at least until I feel they are sure enough of themselves to be able to handle her nonsense. My biggest fear is that because they're twins, she will make one a scapegoat and the other golden, and how damaging that could be if she pits them against each other.

This is going to sound narcissistic in itself but I've always been leaps and bounds ahead of my half-sisters from day one, I've always been smarter, thinner, more athletic (which is pretty pathetic given how crap I am at most sports) and more culturally bent. So, she was always comparing me to my friends - "Why can't you be neat and tidy like Cassie?", "Why can't you be more studious like Carly?", "Why can't we have a normal mother-daughter relationship like Helen and Hannah?". I had to point out to her that Cassie has a rather crippling case of OCD, and that she's not tidy, she's got a mental disorder, that Carly studies hard because she needs to or she'll fail, and that we can't have a normal relationship because she's not a normal mother. That went down about as well as a pill made of razor wire.

I would hate if she says to one twin "Why can't you be more like your sister?" Its going to be hard enough for them to be able to forge their own identities as identical twins without her throwing spanners like that in the works.

Sarah - I get that feeling too! Like last year for my birthday (which was smack in the middle of my final lot of uni exams) she wanted me to fly down to Brisbane to see her, even though I had to go down there the week after for an exam anyway. Yes, I get it, it was my 21st, and DH was out field, but he got back 2 days after my birthday, and my friend was coming to visit me the day after my birthday anyway (her DP was on the same exercise and our birthdays are only a week apart). She wanted to pay for it and everything, and I was honestly trying to save her the money of flying me down and back (at least $300) when I was coming there in a few days! I would have to fly there, back, and then there and back again it was just pointless. So when I tell her this what does she do? She cries at me over the phone for being such an ungrateful little so and so and how all I ever do is try and get away from her or make her look bad. FFS woman, I was going to see you the week after anyway! Never mind that it was MY birthday and she was the one being disrespectful of MY wishes...on MY BIRTHDAY! I even asked her not to get me a present because her and dad were helping out so much with the wedding (a month later).

After much screaming and hanging up and ignoring, I get this email saying that her and Dad are coming up for my birthday, just for the day and night and leaving the next morning (so I now have to make 2 trips to the airport because they couldn't possibly have booked a flight time close to Tash's) AND that she's having a cake she made for me iced by a lady at work and what theme would I like it to be. Its a fruitcake. My birthday is in November. I don't like fruitcake that much - it was clearly a test run Christmas cake that went wrong and she needed to get rid of, so she figured she'd kill two birds with one stone. It tasted terrible! So my memories of my 21st, instead of spending it at home in the bath with a good vodka, candles, and True Blood after a feast of Indian takeaway, are mostly of her getting in my way in my own house, constantly sweeping up the dog hair and complaining about it, and whinging every time our dog (who was about 5 months old at the time) went anywhere near her. I nearly abducted DH's mate who came over to ask something about the car and the random he had in tow just so I could have some kind of buffer around. Did I mention I then got interrogated about why there were random army boys dropping in to my house and was I being an unfaithful GF? No Mum, it was a completely random occurrence - funnily enough I don't really like strangers popping over to my house when they think I'm home alone!

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I had constantly to be more like my sister. I was also super-bright as a child. I really was a fantastic child - I would love to have a child just like I was! I would never bag her out for wanting to learn rather than play with my friends' children. They are my friends, not yours - if you don't get on then well, you don't. I'd also keep the piano. I hated not having a piano as a child! I learnt to play on my parents friends' pianos (I should have been playing with their children, not their pianos, but tough!) I don't think it's narc. to say so, so long as you're not deluding yourself, only talking about that or saying "I was gifted so am the best person on this forum."

Ooooh, I really do dislike my mother whenever I think about her!

[NaeNae]

was just reminded of my birthday present last year. Mum has this thing about "Fat" people. I am a 14-16 post baby and have really only started dropping weight since I became pregnant ...... anyhoo, she asks me what I wanted for last years birthday, so I tell her, I need some button open pj's so I can BF, new pants new tops etc. She asks my size so I say to get a 14. She comes with some pants, a singlet top (my birthday is in July) and some PJ ... they were a size 18 and even against her "fat" daughter they were huge for me. I said to her "Mum these are an 18, and I cannot open the front to BF DD" ... "well I thought they were funny, look it says "do not disturb"" I asked her to take them back and she said I'd grow into them ...... they went in the bin the very next day.

My brother was always the golden child. Mum suspected me of doing drugs because I came home from clubbing smelling like stale ciggies and kicked me out of home. She finds a bong and stash in my brothers room, rings me and asks if I knew he was taking drugs and when informed that he had been doing acid and dope for well over a year she said "why didn't you tell me" my response was "come on mum, B and his mate D would be sitting in the lounge off their faces laughing at nothing with blood shot eyes and you didn't notice?" Then I had the ordacity to say "so, are you going to kick him out of home like you did to me when I smelt like dope and it was only stale ciggies?" "oh no, your brother needs help I couldn't throw him out on the streets when he really needs my help"

double standards much!

but it was because I was so outspoken and arguementative that I was always kicked out of home.

man talk about dragging up the past LOL

[Just Me]

As much as I hate to say it I actually feel somewhat comforted by reading some your posts.......

I wonder if there is an element of competition in these people. I didn't go into it in depth in my other thread but I will in here. After Nikita died when we were done organising funerals etc, I mentioned to mum that we were having a plaque made up to put under a tree in our backyard. SO mum had to get one too. at the time I didn't really think anything of it until she rang up one day and was askng all about the plaque and the wording we had on it. It seemed odd but I told her anyway. A few days later she rang up and asked if we were going to have a photo of Nikita on the plaque, I said no and explained we were having 2 made up one for the garden and one for the cemetery where the first generation of Hubbies Family were buried. The she said "WELL (emphasis on the well) I am having a photo put on the plaque I am having made. AND (emphasis on the and) I have planted a "the childrens rose" JUST for her" ... um ok sure.

Everytime she comes here she makes a point (and very obviously) of going and sitting in the memorial garden we built for Niki, She often tries to encourage me to go and sit with her in the garden, which I refuse to do. She also always manages to tell me how badly it needs weeding ... yeah ok its not weed free some of the weeds actually need to be sprayed to kill the roots and shoots they send out. But I have either been pregnant or BF so not in a position to use poisons. I hand pull out what I can when I go out there but really its my friggin garden who the fruitcake are you?!

One time she came here and exclaimed really loudly in front of guests, "wow your lino is really shiney, did you clean it? I have NEVER (emphasis) seen it shiney before" ....... even when its grubby, its shiney.

My Babyshower - holy moly - we had not really spoken following an outburst by yours truly and my having to physically remove her from my house when she refused to leave. I reluctantly sent her an invite, bestie was the rsvp person. Instead of saying to bestie "I am sorry I cannot make it" She said " I am sorry but Naomi has made it clear that I am not welcome in her house any more" Bestie forwarded it to me and said "it speaks volumes about her."

DD's 1st Birthday - Mum wanted to give DD Fairy bread and went on and on about it being a party so she should have fairy bread. Bestie was in the room when I fed DD her sausage with mum carrying on about fairy bread and I cracked it and said "No, DD is eating her sausage, then she is having some cheese and bread, she is NOT having fairy bread or other sweets as she has NOT been introduced to them" .... Mum rolled her eyes and made a face behind my back but I caught it well enough to see it, Bestie just winked at me LOL.

Gah there is more I could go into but dinner is ready LOL.

I am so pleased that everyone else in here has mental issues, I was beginging to think I was the only one in the whole world who'd rather little to no contact with their mother or father or MIL etc.

Nae x

Nae, all of that is so familiar. Competitiveness is also a trait of the disorder. My MIL was the same. We bought a brand new car ... two week later MIL had a brand new car that was 'better' than ours (she always made a point of telling us how much better what she had was than what we had). When we bought a new leather lounge, a month later MIL had a new leather lounge. She invited DH over to see it. She bought a five seater and pointed out the seats 'One for the mother, one for father and one for each of the children' (she always refers to herself as 'the mother'). DH was really confused by 'the children' comment and questioned her on it. The seats were for DH, DH's older sister and DH's older brother. DH was 25 years old at the time, his brother was 31 and his sister was 34. She really did play the game 'anything you can do, I can do better'. I didn't care that she bought a new couch or car just because we did. I did find it interesting how it was part of a pattern of behaviour. It did get annoying when she starting buying the same clothes as me though ...

I didn't invite MIL to my baby shower even though we were still in contact - too many bad memories. I found out later though that she had made me a baby blanket (apparently) and showed everyone who visited her the blanket she had made but told them that she was not allowed to give it me as she was not allowed to give her own grandchildren gifts She is not anymore, but at that point she could.

MIL has a shocking record with parties and I could not enjoy myself when she was there. I told my SIL (from my side of the family) that I would rather not have a baby shower than have MIL come. I almost didn't have one because I was so riddled with guilt about not inviting her but she was going through another stage of 'food allergy' so who knows what we would have fed her. She also thought that if I had a party and invited her, I should talk to her and only her for the whole party. She would get inches from my face and stay there the whole time. I couldn't do it again. I just could not deal with her.

this so hits home for me, like many others mine is a complicated story with my mother and it all came to a head last year when i was suffering my 3rd miscarriage in 6 months and she was so horrible and so mean to me about it, she stormed out of my house saying she "wasn't welcome here" because i was so upset i couldn't even talk to her. she then ran to my brother and cried hysterically to him and from that day i have lost my mum, dad and brother as they all took her side and have been awful to me

it really did feel like they had died that day and every "family" moment since has been terrible for me, birthdays, mothers day etc but Jennifer you are so right it is such a lonely grief because i can't write on fb today is the anniversary of my families death because they are still alive but not to me. i have no family, no grandparents, aunts uncles etc its hard

i am so sad to see you all needing to post in here but at the same time it comforts me that others have felt the way i do

Minniemouse - that sounds so awful! I'm sorry your mum did those things to you and your father and brother enable her by taking her side. Triangulation like this is another trait of the disorder. If you didn't check out the links I posted earlier, have a look. The Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers website has so much information and if you don't understand much of NPD, it will help you understand your mum.

It is sad that so many people have family members that have NPD. It really does destroy families. I agree with Jennifer13, the emotional abuse that goes with it is just as soul destroying as any other form of abuse. It is so much harder to identify than other forms of abuse because people with NPD are masters at looking like the victim while blaming everyone else for their choices. They never take responsibility and I think over time it starts to make you feel crazy.

was just reminded of my birthday present last year. Mum has this thing about "Fat" people. I am a 14-16 post baby and have really only started dropping weight since I became pregnant ...... anyhoo, she asks me what I wanted for last years birthday, so I tell her, I need some button open pj's so I can BF, new pants new tops etc. She asks my size so I say to get a 14. She comes with some pants, a singlet top (my birthday is in July) and some PJ ... they were a size 18 and even against her "fat" daughter they were huge for me. I said to her "Mum these are an 18, and I cannot open the front to BF DD" ... "well I thought they were funny, look it says "do not disturb"" I asked her to take them back and she said I'd grow into them ...... they went in the bin the very next day.

Narcissists are notoriously bad at giving gifts. MIL bought DH a yo-yo for Christmas one year because she saw some 12 year old boy playing with it in Germany and thought that DH might like it. DH was 23 at the time

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I do feel a need to stick up for my mother WRG gifts - she is "the bestest ever gift-giver". She takes time and effort to perfectly link person with gift. She shows me everything and goes through it and through it to show how much effort she puts in. Although, thinking on it, for my 30th she bought me the same watch as she'd bought me 14m before for Christmas and some duty-free stuff (knowing I don't celebrate birthdays anyway, but if you're going to ignore that then it is a big birthday), then as a congrats gift bought me some nutty chocolate so DH and DS weren't "allowed" to eat. Actually, DS can't have dairy and DH is allergic to nuts enough that I can't eat them unless he's away for the week.

[Just Me]

I thought I might just add too in relation to our kids, I don't think my PIL actually care about them at all. They want to see them and they want to be in their lives but only because PIL think they are entitled and that we are not fulfilling our job as dutiful children by presenting our children to them on a regular basis (or at all). They have grandkids that they have contact with but because they are so easy for them to get to, they don't do much with them but they obsess over my children because they feel that we have taken away their entitlement.

Really all they want is some photos for a yearly news letter that they send to all their friends as well as a bit of information. They also want DH to bring our children to pay homage to them on a regular basis. But it isn't about seeing our kids, it is about our kids worshipping them. They want their friends to see them as doting, loving grandparents, but they aren't. They had a pool that was not fenced and they refused to fence it until the council fined them. They had grandchildren for more than 10 years before they fenced their pool. They had boxer dogs that they used to let in the house when my nephew was a baby ... if SIL put him on the floor, they would open the door and let the dogs run in and on top of him The dogs weighed at least 50kg each. Their dogs have also bitten all of the kids at least once and they still wouldn't put them outside They don't care about their safety. They care about themselves and everyone else has to accommodate them, meet their needs and make them feel good about themselves.

When DH's grandfather died, DH was told that partners and children were not invited to the funeral 'because they're not family'. She only considered her, FIL, DH and DH's siblings to be family in that circumstance. She didn't want her children distracted at the funeral by their own children, so she told her DH and his siblings not to bring their own children. The funeral wasn't here, DH would have had to travel - basically, she wanted them all to take a holiday together without all the pesky attachments. That way they could all focus on her. DH didn't go. His brother and sister did but DH 'let down the family'. DH told her that I was his family (we didn't have kids at the time) and his first priority.

The other thing - when DH's grandad died, we got a copy of the funeral notices. All PIL's kids and grandkids were mentioned by name, but all partners were excluded (same for all DH's cousins and their children). My PIL wrote the funeral notice but did not mention any partners. Same deal when DH's grandmother died. We were no longer having contact, but he and all our children got mentioned in the funeral notice by name, as did his siblings and cousins and all their children, but no partners were mentioned. I think that's odd. It kind of represents how I have always felt about my MIL though - she sees me a uterus, an incubator for her grandchildren (she has NEVER referred to them as our children, they are always HER grandchildren ... I really do think it is her way of owning them) but nothing more. She still sees her own children as her family and she uses them for her narcissistic feed. She muscles the rest of us out in subtle ways, but they are there. Few people would have noticed the absence of partners' names on the funeral announcement, but I did. My whole family - DH and my children were all mentioned, but I was left out, like I didn't exist. I hate the psychological games.

[NaeNae]

Double postL

[StrawberryFields]

Sparklez - thats awful! What a biatch!


I wonder how many of us have been diagnosed or possibly have other disorders because of our parents. I suffer from anxiety and mild antisocial personality disorder (APD) which the psychologist at my uni said is extremely likely to be a lovely gift from my mother. Anyone else? Its cool if you're not comfortable sharing

I should add that my APD is well under control and don't worry I'm not going to go out there and go Joker on the world lol

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Thanks Sparklez and Just Me - it's really kind of you to help me work my issues out with you.

I've had depression since age 7. I don't think I will ever be free of it, although I am OK at the moment.

[Just Me]

I wasn't going to get specific because I feel like I have been sharing too many of my issues all over the forums already at the moment ... things always seem to come to a head at the same time ... but anyway, I feel like a bit of a hypocondriac. To be honest, it is also so much easier for me to share that other people have issues and admitting that I have a mental illness is not only new to me but something I don't like admitting. Having said that - I have been diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia, Major Depressive Disorder (all of those have been diagnosed at a moderate clinical level) and at a subclinical level (meaning I show signs of but don't have enough symptoms for a full diagnosis) Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and a Phobia Disorder and Insomnia.

I don't think all of mine are entirely environmental. I can see signs of all of them in various family members and I think they are partially genetic from both sides of my family. Experiences in my childhood have probably made it far worse than it is because I have a lot of unhealthy head talk going on but I think I would have struggled with these issues to some degree regardless. I have opted to stay off meds at this point in time but I am undergoing cognitive therapy which is helping I think. I am only in my second week of therapy but I am feeling much better about everything mostly because I feel like now I have a way out. I was feeling very trapped up until a few weeks ago which wasn't helping my symptoms.

I can't really talk to my family about my diagnosis though. DH is supportive of course, but most of my family don't believe in mental illness. Part of the reason my anxiety has become so bad in the last little while is because my whole life I have been told to 'snap out of it' and because I haven't been able to snap myself out of it, I have been more worried about my worry and it has made my anxiety much much worse.

[black_rose]

My mum has a thing about bigger people too, she hates that i am a size 16/18 (which is probably why I am) she buys me clothes which are miles to big and picks on one of her friends who is obese.

My mum picks weird presents too, for Christmas last year I got cake servers from a magazine and a cheap beaded bracelet when she knew I would like a charm for my bracelet. She buys more expensive for my brother and brags about it.

[toomanyshoes]

Mum had a lap band done before DS was born and delights in pointing out that I'm now fatter than her. She's delusional about how "skinny" she is though.

I moved from TAS to QLD at 17 just to get away from her, she came up when I was 35ish weeks pregnant with DS and we she got to our place she was crying. Stupid me thought it was tears of happiness to see me but later told me she was just "so" upset at how much weight I had put on, it was devastating for her. Mind you I had PE which made me look like a balloon.

She completely took over once DS was born, she would take him out of our room and put him in bed with her over night. She convinced me I couldn't breast feed and we needed to bottle feed, or should I say she needed to bottle feed him. Then when he was 2months old she went back to TAS....leaving me completely unconfident in my abilities.

The other thing that gets to me is her flat out denying things that everyone knows happened. Her favourite catch phrase when I was living at home was "I love you because I have to but I don't like you" and that I was a selfish little b**ch. Mind you she told everyone else family, friends that I was the perfect job and she had done such a wonderful job raising me. I might have been a bit of a b**ch at 16/17 but selfish was one thing I wasn't and the only reason I was a b**ch was because of how she treated me.

Another one was how she gave up everything for me, she put her life on hold for me and then when I hit 15 she wasn't there for me (not that she ever was) because once I started dating she had to start dating and she had "better" boyfriends, more boyfriends. I have to laugh though, when I was 16 for Valentines day I got 3 big beautiful bunches of roses and a teddy...she got a tiny little bunch from her crappy boyfriend...have to admit I was pretty chuffed with that although she of course turned it around on me and that it was my fault and I was being selfish again... sigh

[Jennifer13]

I get this ALL the time. If I have to hear one more person say "I don't know what you're complaining about, your mum's so nice" or " I don't know what you're talking about she seems really sweet" or "she's only doing it because she really loves you" or "wow you're mum is so good to you!" I'm going to go postal. My mother does things for me because then I am indebted to her - I had one phone bill that was really high when I was 16 and I STILL hear about it. Its been nearly 6 years! GTFO it woman!

I nearly choked at my SIL's baby shower (held at MIL's place and including as many of her friends as SIL's) when one of her friends gushed next to me about how MIL was the best grandmother ever! I almost cheekily turned to her and said "oh, I didn't know she had more children!" At that time DD had been the only grandchild for four and a half years and we were not the favoured ones.

[*Sparklez*]

Hugs to you Hun, at the end of the day you have to decide whether you think your mum is a NPD or not, the traits, the behavior etc..
Even if it doesn't match up and it isn't still doesn't mean you haven't suffered due to any reason, your more than welcome to post and contribute as much ad anyone else with NPD or not..
Not saying this is for victims and that, but you have suffered in your life, whether it be to an undiagnosis or at the hands of your supposed protector, I get what your trying to say the flying butter and I can see why you don't think it's part of this issue but you have been through alot an I support you Itms? Lol


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[StrawberryFields]

I think a PSG sounds like a good idea too - I had no idea there would be so many of us when I started this thread! Maybe one of the mods could put up a sticky thread with information and links so that people can become aware if they have a parent with NPD, and then if they feel they do or they need to they can request to join the PSG? I would just hate to think new people to come would miss out on the support if it was solely in a PSG.

I'll see if I can put in a request or something for us

TFB - We move on the Wednesday, so I'm hoping to have pretty much everything unpacked and where we want it by then anyway, but I'm just letting her THINK she can help - we might get her to help clean the yard at the house we're moving out of, give her roundup duty or something - something crappy that nobody else wants to do but she will do because it will make us 'need her'

ETA - I put up a request in the Suggestions and Requests forum, so we will see how it goes from there.

[*Sparklez*]

My MIL is a counsellor and all her friends are people that she counsells. She has them around because - they are the only people that can tolerate her over a long time, she can manipulate them easily because they are unstable and because they make her feel better about herself. She is always comparing herself to them and she is convinced she is better than them. I think she generally avoids people who are stable because they don't feed her narcissistic need. She also likes having friends with very little money because she can be 'generous' - her 'generosity' is completely impractical because it is actually about flaunting what she has and not about helping them at all. It's all part of the dillusion of grandeur and what you describe sounds spot on to me

Lol this sound like my mum!! To the tea, she forgets her problems and/or her children's and concentrates on a strangers..
I remember recently I was in a difficult situation with my Dh's family and asked her to watch the kids for 30 min and she replied" sorry can't, looking after so and so's kids when I asked why she informed me " why are you asking why? What's it any of your business? And if your big nose really has to know, because she is out getting her nails done" FFs dh's grandmother just died and we were going to wash her body, but I was wrong cause apparently I shouldn't ask why she has her neighbor of 3 months kids but in an emergency she can't have her nosey dd kids?
Apparently het neighbor and her dh were having issues so my mun took her kids to go have a break after talking to my mum for 5 hrs.. And dr Phil (mum) decided she owed it to herself to go and pamper herself.
So I missed out on this whole thing and had to take my kids to the cemetery to sit on the car while she was buried, cause in our religion woman aren't meant to be at the burial.


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