Controversial thread : Sex after baby

[MrsBexie]

Glam: I know what you mean about sex being a sleeping pill!!! I'm the same! Sex, or even just an orgasm will make me sleep better! Lol

[Arcadia]

Oh I am dreading the end of this pg for our sex life because pg sex is sooooooo good!!! I can finally match dh's libido and we're in love heaven!! Then...bam! Breastfeeding hormones kick in and it's a total drought...i can't convince my body to do something it feels repulsed by...seriously in the early weeks/months after dd I told dh I would be happy to never have sex again it's hard. It did get better and we never went longer than a week (after the initial 6 week break) but I literally had to myself into it.

And for those who do it in a BED post children obviously don't cosleep...can't remember the last time dh and I had sex in our bed, and at night (doesn't help he stays up hours later than me either).

Eta: glam I have already considered jumping dh, but the Braxton hicks are still bad from yesterdays session! It's the one negative about pg sex...my damn uterus goes mental!!

[hipmummy]

I think there are a lot of partners out there who are very thankful for this post!!!

I too am one that falls into the "values sleep higher than sex" category but afterwards I always sleep so much better!!

It's about appreciating that your partner has needs too, and it certainly doesn't have to be in a sexual way... My dh works just as hard as I do around here and I certainly don't think I have been fully appreciating just how much he does. This post has really made me think.

[Amity]

I like this thread... I'm off to jump into my toy box... the joys of being single!

But I tend to agree with you Rory, I usually do!

[Just Me]

As far as relationships being equal - I agree with this but for us it is about defining equal. I don't think relationships should be 50/50 I think they should be 100/100. For our relationship to work well, we both give 100% of what we can all the time. At different times, that 100% will be different. For the last few weeks, I have been recovering from a c/section which means that while I am giving to our relationship everything I can, DH is picking up a lot of the slack. He has been doing all the cooking, cleaning and looking after the 3 older kids and when he can't be here, he has been organising my mum to do it. At the moment, his 100% is much bigger than mine but there are times when I pick up the slack for him because he can't give us much as I can.

I think the 100% also applies to sex. At the end of my pregnancy (the last 13 weeks particularly) I was not in the mood. Nothing I could do to get me in the mood and I wanted to be left alone. DH gave his 100% by giving me the space that I need and I was giving him 100% of what I could at the time as well.

I don't think things can always be evenly equal, but I think it is important for both partners to give everything they can to their relationship both in and out of the bedroom. Sometimes that 100% is also about giving partners space and sometimes it is about getting in the mood.

I guess I don't really see my marriage as give and take either. I see it more as 'give' and I allow DH to give what he is capable of too. If we are both giving whatever we can there is no reason for either of us to take and we are both having our needs met in a way that is respectful to one another.

[MrsBexie]

As far as relationships being equal - I agree with this but for us it is about defining equal. I don't think relationships should be 50/50 I think they should be 100/100. For our relationship to work well, we both give 100% of what we can all the time. At different times, that 100% will be different. For the last few weeks, I have been recovering from a c/section which means that while I am giving to our relationship everything I can, DH is picking up a lot of the slack. He has been doing all the cooking, cleaning and looking after the 3 older kids and when he can't be here, he has been organising my mum to do it. At the moment, his 100% is much bigger than mine but there are times when I pick up the slack for him because he can't give us much as I can.

I think the 100% also applies to sex. At the end of my pregnancy (the last 13 weeks particularly) I was not in the mood. Nothing I could do to get me in the mood and I wanted to be left alone. DH gave his 100% by giving me the space that I need and I was giving him 100% of what I could at the time as well.

I don't think things can always be evenly equal, but I think it is important for both partners to give everything they can to their relationship both in and out of the bedroom. Sometimes that 100% is also about giving partners space and sometimes it is about getting in the mood.

I guess I don't really see my marriage as give and take either. I see it more as 'give' and I allow DH to give what he is capable of too. If we are both giving whatever we can there is no reason for either of us to take and we are both having our needs met in a way that is respectful to one another.

That's an awesome post!! Id give you rep if I wasn't on my iPhone!!!
Xx

[HotI]

Orrr, from my POV - I can go to bed at midnight, have a quickie and be fast asleep by 12:20... or I can go to bed at midnight and argue for 45 minutes about how I'm really just too tired tonight, babe, can I please just go to sleep and we'll try again tomorrow? And then by the time he gives up, I feel like a cow for dragging it out for so long when I could have just told him, 'Okay, but don't expect fireworks tonight' and had it over with in 15 minutes!

That's a bit sad if they are your only options. Do it or fight your partner off.

[Cassius2]

And for those who do it in a BED post children obviously don't cosleep...can't remember the last time dh and I had sex in our bed, and at night (doesn't help he stays up hours later than me either).

oh i hear you on this one lol! such a distant memory of those sort of comforts lol!

[Roryrory]

so how much fun did we have last night girls ??

[briggsy's girl]

none, none at all, i'm totally innocent...

[minniemouse]

i missed this thread until today so we are having our fun tonight

we are ltttc so i have to admit it has become a chore to have sex but this thread has inspired me to make an effort to do it more and enjoy it more !

[Glamourcide]

Hahaha I was so busy replying to this thread that he fell asleep waiting for me to come to bed! Oh well, there's always tonight

[MissM]

Why restrict yourself to a bed? Df and i were house sitting once and got STARKERS outside and one thing led to another under the entertainment area

You can use the kitchen, bathroom laundry, living room! Be adventurous! LOL!

On that note df might get a nice surprise tonight!

From SE Xperia x10a

[Fleur]

I just think a lot of other mums that are in the same boat as me, but deny their partner sex purely because it's too much of a chore for them and they don't think they should have to do it unless they're raring to go, should try giving it a shot and they might grow to like it - or at least their OH might be a little more willing to help out with bathing the kids of a night or picking his dirty towel up off the floor if he's getting 'rewarded' for it!

Hmm... I will share...

When I realise it's been a week since I felt up for it, and I realise that I still don't feel up for it, I know I need to do something. Take myself away for 10 minutes, refocus, and get in the mood, in order to reunite with my husband, reconnect, and do something for him that I know he loves.

I don't lay back and think of england either and I don't be passive... but I do often need to make a conscious decision to get in the mood, for him.

No, I wouldn't have sex without being in the mood first.

KWIM?

^^ Agree ... that's me.

I would take it even a step away from 'sex after baby' and into the 'sex in a long term relationship'... There is a 7 year age gap between my two youngest children, and in that 7 years there were so many nights whenI was still too tired, or not in the mood. And a lot of nights where I had to make an effort, to rouse myself into bed.
But there is a big difference (for me anyway) between really not wanting to, and just feeling like I couldn't be bothered. And I kind of feel like it's part of the give & take of a relationship, that if I'm not in the mood for a week or so, I make an effort to get there.

Somebody mentioned men 'needing' sex ... or not 'needing' it.... but it's not all about sex. I know for my DH, it's how he feels closest & most connected to me...it's love & affection as much as the physical. And I think that regardless of your individual sex drive, for most people it's a really important part of the physical closeness of a relationship. I don't have to enjoy the sex for sex's sake, but I always enjoy the 'cuddle'.

[Roryrory]

Following on from this thread, I think those of you who were offended or put off by some of the concepts it explored might like to read this article which explains what I think many of us were getting at....

[*LittleMissSummer*]

I only found that thread just now.... i have no idea where i was when it was going on! LOL

I'm not the one who says no in our relationship, i am the one with a high sex drive (well its non existent now because of my ADs) and he always says no. He is the one who says its a chore, hes too tired and never seems to make an effort. So it goes both ways its not always the women who say no and need to make more of an effort and my DP proves that all men don't need sex and don't think about it 24/7.

[briggsy's girl]

i think that part of the point though LMS - I have read many posts from many people on here feeling rejected by their partners because their sex drive is higher and their partner doesn't "need it" - for you, as the person with the higher sex drive, i'm sure you would appreciate it if DP made an effort sometimes - not that he particularly needs it right then, but to at least try, for the sake of your relationship kwim?

i know i have the higher sex drive in our relationship and sometimes i feel like it's him rejecting me when he doesn't want to do anything - reality is that he is tired or busy or whatever. So we now talk about it a lot more, and talk through the impact to US, when one of us is feeling rejected for whatever reason, and how we can improve that. it's not always with sex by any means. one of us will give the other a massage while we watch TV or even just when we're laying in bed, intimate, non-sexual contact (i lay with my hand up near DH's head, and if i'm drifting off to sleep, i stroke his hair. if my back is to him, he tends to stroke my skin - but not in a sexual "i expect something so this is why i'm touching you" way. having that non-sexual intimacy, in our case, brings us closer together and we tend to build on that with sexual intimacy - but it might be a week later kwim?

And i do tend to agree that intimacy "breeds" further intimacy. For instance, we had a week where we were sexually intimate every night - no particular reason apart from the fact that we had an arvo without DD, made the most of it, and it led to a lot more ongoing "well, we have the opportunity, she is asleep, lets go for it" kinda stuff - we then had a bad night with her, and nothing happened, the tiredness from that night carried on for a couple of days, and nothing has happned now for a week! it will happen again, but at the moment i'm too sore from a back injury to bother initiating something that is going to hurt. if he initiates, it may be different - depends on HOW he initiates lol

[*LittleMissSummer*]

Oh i totally get it. I wanted to add more to my post but had DD trying to bash the keyboard. Being on the other side of the fence along with many DH/DPs i know what its like to be left feeling unwanted and often hurt and wondering "what is wrong with me?" or "why can't they make more of an effort?" I know that in our relationship it starts to go sour and we fight a lot more if we aren't intimate, and i'm not even necessarily talking about sex but cuddling and kissing. I just like to feel loved, just like our men do too.

Now i think im just babbling and i've got a headache so not thinking properly but i do agree very much with you BG and a lot of other posters in the other thread.